#4 - Bentleyville Infected / Emeril Sits One Out

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Bentleyville Infected

or

Emeril Sits One Out

by

TheKillerDynamo, SOCOMSoldier017, Tisha Misha, GtxJack, lesans_muse, gingerbreadmurder, Invida, barely legal, Bonhomme, BabyAngel, overcastkid, and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

The air was dense, the night quiet, and the roads of Bentleyville were...ok. A town festival was near in the coming, and the residents were excited, well, as excited one can be in a town heavily sedated. Government planes had dumped gas onto the houses and buildings some decades back and the results had been catostraphic, the town becoming...interesting...If you can call a community completely in sync with each other 'interesting.' Each citizen, from Billy in 2nd grade to Ralph in the nursing home to Styles, the hobo shouting obscenities about Arsenio Hall from the alley, everyone of them seemed to share a collective mind, which they used to Win at games of poker.

But then, the whole town changed with the coming of zombie heyzeus, the mad, man-eating turtle of worlds gone by. As he turns he sees Billy in 2nd grade on a park bench enjoying his lunch of raven pizza and barracuda milk. Billy's dad is busy propositioning the male cop disguised as a prostitute.

Soon after arriving , zombie heyzeus ruled the town with a chocolate fist. But quickly, a resistance to get him off the throne was growing, for Zombie Heyzeus' bite seemed to carry with it the antidote to the government's mind-altering / mind-combining gas. So, the mad man-eating turtle bit everyone it came into contact with, spreading the poision of individual thought throughout the town. Many were gracious, pleased to retireve their freedom and privacy - others felt it a curse, a punishment for losing the order they had achieved together.

The battle lines had been drawn - and Zombie Heyzeus was missing.

* * * *

Chaz Gobbleden knew that the changes weren't good. People were different. No one was vandelizing the dumpster out back behind his store. Nor were they selling crack or trying to wh ore themselves out. And several people were using puppets to communicate. Three ladies walked in and caught many a boy's gaze with their bare middrifts and black and white streaked hair.

"We're from the Church of Zombie Heyzeus. We're taking collections - if you know what we mean."

The girls giggled. Chaz cringed. It was well known that only members of the church could be granted free reign to conduct prostitution - and those girls were stank. Before the Zombie Cure of Individuality, every woman sought to sell their goods and his back alley was the best locale for transactions. Their customers became his customers - if you know what he means.

All of a sudden, a crazy man with hedgeclippers and wearing a cooking apron screamed "Death to all those who have squandered our God given rights to porn and cupcakes!"

Clearly upset about something, the man needed talked down. Chaz did not have the patience, though. He swiped Billy from second grade's Face off and flew to the nearest starbucks, which was right next to him.

"I would like a....."

"Sir! Sir! You're holding a little boy's face!"

"I know, I know, I didn't have any money on me. What can i get for this?"

*women screaming*

"Sir, please, get out of here!"

"But this guy with hedgeclippers was annoying me and I really need a latte."

One of the young girls behind the counter pressed a white button and......nothing happened....she pressed it again...and again....

Then, the crazy man from Chaz's store burst into the Starbucks. "Porn and cupcakes!"

...and again...and again...

Then, in a burst of cheesy light effects, came the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

"What is this?" Shake asked. "Looks some crappy a$$ foreign film without the subtitles."

"That boy's got some bog ole scissors!" Meatwad said, noticing the loon.

"Porn and cupcakes!" He shouted.

Frylock shot lightning from his eyes and blasted the loon into dust.

The women all gasped.

"Nice job. You scared all the ladies. Now we'll have to buy them dinner before we get some." Shake complained.

Chaz just blinked. "A talking happy meal?"

"Oh, but a zombie turtle named Heyzeus is believeable?" Frylock asked.

"What's a happy meal? If it comes with a scooter, I want one!" Meatwad said.

Chaz, forgetting he was holding little Billy's face, was tackled by four security guards.

"That's it, hogtie that brusier!" Shake shouted as he stood over the pile.

"No, wait! You don't understand! Something's wrong with this town!"

"I'll say. There's no satelite reception for my mobile Dish TV! Now I'll have to wait 'till I get home to see if little Jane and her family won the Family Fued."

"Shake, that was taped in 1981."

"Frylock, I know that, but did people care about life in 1981? No. So know one knows, now do they?"

As the two argued, Chaz struggled to escape his captors.

"Dirka Dirka!" screamed a dynamite-coated terrorist with a Pittsburgh Maulers hat on. "Death to coffee!"

"This town is really coming apart." Chaz thought as his face was pressed against the counter. The cops eased off a little, and together, Chaz, the cops, the Starbuck girls, and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force all decided to go to New Jersey to go to the rehab center when the car stoped and launched a missle towards the Quick Stop across the street.

"What the **bleep** is that?!?" said Jay to Silent Bob.

"A bottle of KY Jelly! Let's eat!" And they ate the missle in 2 bites.

Dumbfounded, Chaz and company checked in to the Rehab center.

"What are we doing here, again?" Meatwad asked. "This doesn't look like Six Falgs, Frylock."

"I know, Meatwad. I lied. This is a rehab center, where Shake needs to go to help him with his problem."

"What problem would that be?" Shake said, downing another bottle of Benedril. "Cause I don't have a problem."

Chaz looked to one of his police escorts. "I shouldn't be here. It's the rest of the town that needs rehab!"

As they opened the front doors, they were greeted by acolytes of Zombie Heyzeus. "Welcome, travelers! There is much to discuss!"

Behind the acolytes was a frozen fudgecicle. "Great googaly moogaly! It's a fudgecicle!" As Zombie Heyzeus picked up the frozen delight and bit down on it, he then grimly came to realize that it was not a fudgecicle. "AHH Disgusting!" Zombie Hezeus exclaimed as he spat out, not a fugecicle, but a piece of frozen poop. From the remains came a great cloud of dust that smelled like baby powder, cheap cologne and reaked of aqua velva. When the irredescent cloud of nastiness dispersed, there stood in the wake...Kevin Feterline.

"Kevin Feterline! You dare attempt to make your Turtlegod eat feces?!" One of the Acolytes yelled.

"Uh..yeah. Brittney told me to get a job."

"And who's paying you to do this?" asked Chaz.

"Huh?"

The cops ignored Chaz and tackled Feterline. Shake started shouting "No! Wait! He's our ticket! He get in good with him, we can get close to Brittney!"

"How's that?" Frylock asked.

"Back up singing. It can't be all that hard! Not with her lyrics."

"What about the Backstreet Boys?" Meatwad asked.

"It's time fort he meat grinder for you!"

As the cops beat upon Feterline and the Aqua Teens argued, Chaz ran over to Zombie Heyzeus. "Sir, Turtle, I...I want to save our town, but you've freed their minds! The town is doomed if its people are left to think for themselves!"

"My child, what you must do is go to the nether regions of a far away country out west. The Netherelands is what the Natives call...Texas. There you will go to that region's capital and find a martial arts training facility/music emporium. Ask for Tenacious D, and........"

"And who?" Chaz asked.

"A man named Norris....Chuck Norris."

"But, what of my town? Who will save it?"

"No one but you, Chaz. But you are not ready, and they are not ready to be saved. One day, perhaps. For now, you must seek out Norris, seek out Tenacious D. They have saved many before, and now they will save you. Go, before it's too late!"

Chaz ran out the back of the building, never looking back, never seeing Zombie Heyzeus disappear in a flash of pink light and the smell of watermelon...

* * * *

Chaz was hiking through the swamplands of Atlanta, his journey to the netherlands of Texas half over. He had encountered many strange and excentric people, but none quite so as the person he met in Atlanta - And a very special part of Atlanta it was. College Park is where he met a man by the name of Bubba Sparks. A very pretensious fellow as well as conspicuous. One things for sure, he really liked booty. Chaz thought that the **bleep** of a woman was only for pooping. He soon learned however that a womans "badonkadonk" as Bubba called it, is a very special thing. Bubba also brought along with him two men who were twins simply known as yin and yang. The yin yang twins. "Oh for sure shorty, we'll help you on yo' journey" exclaimed bubba. "We also gotta get some booty to help along the way." whispered the yin yang twins. They then set out from Atlanta and headed towards the halfway mark in their journey, a building 3 blocks up ahead that just so happened to be the brothel Bubba Sparks frequented often.

"The first one's on me."

"Thanks. I don't really have any money."

"I didn't say the first one's free, I said the first one will get on me, then you."

"Oh."

The Yin Yang twins also jumped ahead of Chaz. In fact, Chaz sat in the lobby, listening to the faint cries (and screams) of pleasure, while the short, old, Korean woman made googily eyes at him. So, he reached over to the end table and started flipping through an issue of Highlights for Kids.

Then a petite girl with red hair caught Chaz's eye. Like a drop of erotic acid, her gaze made Chaz happy in pants. She continued down the hall and Chaz sprung up in pursuit. That's when she skipped ahead faster. Trying to keep up, baby batter ont he brain, Chaz lost track of how many turns and stairs and doors he followed her through. Minutes later, he found himself in...

a room with rose petals and a huge king sized heart shaped bead in the middle of the room. The red head lay naked on the bed. "Do me"...she whispered. Chaz walked over while undoing his pants. He perspired as he lay on top of the woman. Then instantly his thoughts of eroticism turned to horror as he realized that the woman wasn't a woman at all. "Howdy doody there! How about some prop comedy" Chaz sprang back like a frightened cat as he came to see that this was no woman, but Carrot top. Carrot top slowly advanced with his stupid smile and ginger red hair. He appeared to be pulling out a rubber chicken from his pants....before he could advance any further, a series of rapid gunshots lit the room and blew carrot top onto the bed again in a heap of blood. "Ginger kid motha fuka!" Bubba said as he jammed another clip into his tech 9. The yin yang twins in tow with shot guns and the skanks wielding what appeared to be stakes. As they all crept up to the corpse of the idiot comic, his eyes immediately opened, but before he could move the yin yang twins blasted open a window casting a ray of light upon the creature. It instantly vaporized into a pile of bones, then ashes.

"Gotta look out for these motha **bleep**as'" said bubba. "Ginger kids are infesting these parts of the continent". Chaz then realized something that made his blood run cold. "D-d-doesn't Chuck Norris have red hair?" "Yeah...but he's what we call the day walker" said the twins. "He mainly hunts these little mark a$$ mofos for practice, he doesn't even break a sweat." Chaz then relaxed and realized he had some powerful allies on his side. "I'll have to relay that back to Zombie Heyzeus" he thought as the squad left the building and headed out towards the day walker...

* * * *

Texas was hotter than Chaz expected. It was also more violent than he expected. As they passed people by, they saw citizens looting Church's chicken, burning down Wal-Marts, and molesting armadillos.

"Where do we look for Norris?"

That's when they saw it, or more likely him. An explosion of body parts and the sound of thunder surrounded Chaz and the group as Chuck Norris delivered a roundhouse kick sending looters and ginger kids flying everywhere like confetti at Mardi Gras. "Mr. Norris!" Chaz called as he scrambled through the frightened crowd of baddies trying to escape the awsome wrath of Chuck. Chuck Norris turned around revealing not a menacing look, but a smile. Like the smile you see on a cigarette ad with the cowboys in it. "Hey there fella." Chuck calmly said as he made his way toward Chaz and his rag tag group of friends. "Oh **bleep** it's the Norris son!" Bubba exclaimed as the yin yang twins were rapping about him in the back ground". All of a sudden they heard from atop a hill the sound of a guitar being most awsomely wailed upon. "We didn't know you guys liked music too...so we decided to join in on the funaaahh!" yelled Jack Black. Him, along with his brother Kyle rode down from the hill on steeds that had wings like pegasus. When they arrived at the awe struck group they struck a pose and said "WE ARE, TENACIOUS **bleep**IN D!!!"

* * * *

Back at home, Zombie Heyzeus was doing all he could to defend the town, but it had become a moot point. Those screaming for Zombie Heyzeus' blood were soon to have it, no matter how much teleporting he did, eventually he would tire. The citizens had grown more and more independent, perverting their freedom by getting tatoos, and listening to heavy metal, and wearing neon pink headbands, and drinking Crystal Pepsi. Little boys accesorized and little girls threw mean fastballs. And a certain evil baker seemed to appear when all grew worse.

This chaos could not continue unabated. Eventually, a small tear in the space-time continum had opened And then closed again. And then might have thought about opening once more, and then might have thought about it some more, if such things could think at all, before becoming a bigger, much more suitable space-time continuum tear for Danzig to ride through on six wide horses, and one camel named Bob, who was a cross-dresser in a former life.

"Everything is mine for the taking, and the destroying. Come my minions" said Danzig as he ushered in an entire army of ginger kids and more independent people came through as well. But before Danzig could speak again, the air around him clapped from a sonic boom as his head exploded into a plethora of gore. Chuck Norris, Chaz, Bubba Sparx, the Yin Yang twins, and Tenacious D all stood as explosions engulfed the scenery behind them. "God **bleep** Walker Ranger the least you coulda' done was give us a warning". Bubba remarked while wiping blood off his Air Force Ones. "Let's get these mo fukas!" the yin yang twins whispered as everyone pulled out their weapons. Chaz wielding a glowing blade, Chuck Norris...well...he IS a weapon, the Twins and Bubba pulling out Tech Nines and the like, and Tenacious D only had their guitars. "That's all you have?" asked Chaz. "This is all we need...all we need to rock and kick **bleep**!" exlaimed Jack Black. "Not to mention get puntang" said his brother kyle. The then headed out into the city to bust some heads, but something happened - Danzig ressurrected!

...But was blown to bits once again when a passerby threw a cupcake at him.

Then something a hell of a lot more interesting happened - the theme song of sesame street started playing,something quite unexpected. The hordes of free-thinking people, about to be beaten to their own deaths, turned to one another and asked "What should we do?" Across the town, brother and sister, friend and foe, all neighbors that Mr Roger's would love intimately, agreed that victory lied in thinking as one, collectivly.

"We did it! The town's realized they need each other! Mr Norris! Mr Norris?"

It was too late...the carnage had begun. Chaz's new friends were hell bent on bringing hell to the reformed Bentleyville residents, Tenacious D, terrorizing by starting to do the electric slide, an ace move they rarely used except in extreme circumstances. Bubba, somehow armed with croquet mallets, was clearing his way through girl scouts and puppies. Norris, the living weapon, had focused on the thug types, who hated all that was Texan.

Chaz knew the only way to prevail was to find Zombie Heyzeus...but would he find him in time...?

* * * *

Then an idea just popped into his , zombie man eating turtles whatevers have ahuge weakness . He learned this from watching PBS. This weakness is Family show host. It was inconcieveable but true. "yin yang twins, I need your black magic!" exlaimed Chaz. "What choo mean black mo fuk...oh, neva mind yo, we're down." Chaz and the yin yang twins began chanting "Hu go gwi gwi phi bee zow" was chanted over and over by the three. All of a sudden from the clouds arose the most beautiful music Chaz had ever heard. It was the Who playing Baba O Reily as Mr. Rogers floated down with Angel Wings. "Chuck Norris immediately stopped beating on a 5 yr old texan hating baby eater as he looked up into the clouds and saw someone else" A tear appeared out of the corner of his eye and fell instantly curing anybody within a thousand mile radius of cancer. "Your back he choked" as he saw Claerence Gilyard Jr. , his black co-star from walker Texas Ranger appear from the clouds as well. "Time to be a good neighboor and kick some yuppie **bleep**" as Mr Rogers set off to fight the ginger kids. "Ready to do our thing old friend?" Norris asked Clarence "You bet Walker." The both departed and started maiming the crap out of some evil special ed kids. Norris using his martial arts, Clarence using hook punches, which is all he threw in the show.

Chaz just blinked. Not exactly what I expected. He ran down the nearest alley and made way to the public library, a haven rarely attacked - no evildoers thought it a functioning establishment - hoping to find Zombie Heyzeus. There were four armed guards, armed guards in this case being four cheerleaders with hot curling irons. Chaz used his Jedi Minds Trick, which seemed to work because they didn't even acknowledge his existence, and passed right in.

On top of the dying card catalog, sat Zombie Heyzeus, bleeding and coughing. "Chaz, why have you returned?"

"I found Chuck Norris and brought him here to save the town!"

"You actually found him? Wow."

"Heyzeus, are you dying?"

"Yes. I tried warning you this town was not to be saved. Persistent you are."

"I think I did it. When confronted with Norris, the town began looking to each other for direction. They'll be cohesive and sheep-like again in no time. That's if Norris doesn't kill all of them."

"Chaz, I'm sorry, but you may have to kill Chuck Norris..."

"I will do no such a thing! Norris is a role model. He saved my life a thousand times over in the few hours it took for us to return."

"He is not from your reality. You know this. That is what you feel wrong about your town. All universes differ from one another, just as mine differs from yours. His differs from yours and so forth."

"But...you're a turtle..."

"Just listen to me! I am the one who brought Norris here, along with all the other yahoos. They were saviors of many towns, but this town must be left alone. It plays a grander part in destiny's design and must be allowed to flourish. You must find a way to lure your friends through the tear in space-time..."

"But it closed."

"Then open it, you dolt. This, I command. Cobra Lalalalalalalalalalaalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa[death rattle]"



And then, Zombie Heyzeus was dead.

* * * *

The ginger blood in the streets flowed like water, but the battle was far from over. The frenzy of fisticuffs was emense. Chaz knew the only way to lure the battle out of Bentleyville and into the time riff....

"Who wants Bacon Cheddar Fries?!"

Everyone brawling, from Chuck Norris to the hobo in the alley to ginger kid #54, froze in curiosity.

Chaz had hitched a wagon of bacon and cheddar-topped fresh cut fries to a Nissan Skyline and was about to let go of the brake.

"Fries!!!!!!"

Chaz let go of the brake and hit the gas as the crowd sprinted in pursuit. As he neared the time riff, he jumped out of the car and landed on a pigeon. He looked up and watched as the car and fries disappeared into the tear, followed by everyone else - and then the rip itself vanished.

* * * *

In the days that followed, Chaz had three monuments erected: one was to the Fight'n Celebs, Norris's team of top-notch asskickers who had saved the day, sort of, of not just Bentleyville, but humanity everywhere, in every dimension. Another monument remembered Individuality, something now only Chaz retained. the rest of the sheep went back to winning games of poker against their rivals, the bakers of Suddville. The final monument was for Zombie Heyzeus, the freaky man-eating turtle who triggered the change of things in Bentleyville. Chaz would miss him.

* * * *

Atop SnakeMountain, Skeletor and his new roommate, Zombie Heyzeus, were on the couch, drinking cold ones, watching TV when:

"Tonight on Walker, Texas Ranger: Walker must save a town from Danzig and his army of ginger kids. Guest starring Tenacious D and the Yin Yang Twins."

"They're put anything on TV, won't they?" And with that, Skeletor aimed his Havoc Staff and blasted the TV.



THE END?