#5 - A Night With El Dorito Jackson / What Smells?

[whatbombsatmidnite]

A Night With El Dorito
or
"What's That Smell?"

by

BananaWaffle2100, NarakuServant 4life, TeDDyBeaRoFReVeNge, kidneyeater101, radninjatothemax, MisguidedGeneral, miramarjuice, whiskuz06, La Femme Mexique, bobfong1313, inuyashafan213, and duzitickle and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

There was a distinct odor coming from the back of Robert's delievery truck. Not the usual odor. Robert thought. His last pick up was in Reno and something seemed odd. That's when El chupa nibre Called the pizza guy whose name was el dorado jackson, who loved to touch the pizza berofe delivering it...Sexually...

El Dorado Jackson was quite the ladies' man. He could find his way into any woman's bedroom. But there was one exception a Filipino drag queen , who at the time he thought...The latino chick that lived off 43rd street, Frito Lay. She was a saucy dish, you know the kind with extra peppers. Every Thursday night she would order pizza and request that el Dorito be the only person to deliver it. Frito Lay had a crush on el Dorito, but she never said anything about it to him.but she didnt know that el Dorito was secretely in love with Funions, Robert's twin sister, the one who always nagged Robert about never being responsible. Even his his delievery job, he still seemed to slip up. That's why he called el Dorado, known to the ladies as El Dorito. He needed his help with what lied in the back of his truck, a disgusting......pile of rotting yak carcasses. Robert asked "What do we need these for?"

El Dorado replied in his thick Mexican accent "We use them to woo the womens."

"How exactly do we do that with yak carcasses?" Robert asked.

"I will tell you." said El Dorado, as he picked up a yak carcass.

"We smother ourselves with their holy juices and do the Macarana, After this we finish our respective delieveries, head on down to the Taco Bell and woo, my friend. We woo."

"But I'm worried that this smell'll ruin the baked goods back there."

"If people purchase them outta the gas station, they will never notice!"

Robert looked at the yaks. "You're gonna get me in trouble again, aren't you?"

"Well, if trouble you mean deep-knee in ladies, then yes."

"Deep-knee?"

Then, someone started banging on the truck door.

"What was that?" both men thought.

Then el Dorito/Derado opened his door and stepped out. As he was walking aroung the van there was another knock, so Robert got out as well. The two delivery men looked at each other currously, then the van started to shake.

"The gosh durn Yaks" said Robert.

But as they approached closer they realized it wasn't the yaks - It was a group of midget ninjas riding tricycles.

"Eiii nooo" said El Dorado as the midget proceeded to headbutt him in the balls.

Luckily, Robert always carried around midget repellent and let loose on all of them.

"why did you attack us" El Dorado asked

The midget ninja responded..." We smelled the stench of yak. It is repulsive and signature of our sworn enemies, the Tasubs. 6ft tall fish people from Hackensack, NJ."

*crickets chirp*

Robert and El Dorado looked at each other, then the midgets. "Right."

"If you are not with the Tasubs, then for this, we apologize."

El Dorado stepped forward. "Lemme ask you a question...how many licks does it take to get to the center of tootsie roll pop?"

They replied, "We don't know, Go ask Mr. Owl."

So, the kids went to ask Mr. Owl, who had invested his royalties into beachfront property and was residing 16 blocks away from the mega giant Starbucks company. It looked neighborhood friendly. However, inside, the bulding was an evil team of giant rabbits who hated everything...till the pudding came to life, along with underware gnomes. When giant angry rabbits and underwear gnomes get together they feast on newborn babies which happens to be a sign of disrespect to El Dorados people,

so El Dorado, armed to the teeth, preparred to cleanse those who would insult his heritage.

"Shouldn't we stick to the yaks and the wooing?" Robert asked.

"This is personal."

El Dorado and the ninjas stormed into the Starbucks to discover That Survivor was there singing about Glen.

"Where are the rabbits?!"

"No rabbits. No gnomes. All lies. Marketing."

The ninjas were entertained, but El Dorado felt cheated. His bloodlust went unfullfilled...for now.

"So, do we still go see Mr. Owl?" Robert asked. They both looked over at the ninjas, who were absorbed by the talents of Survivor. "I take that as a no, as well as the Tasubs."

"We finish our deliveries, my friend. Night is upon us."

"It has been night."

"But not quite so...darkly." El Dorado said.

"What the hell does that mean?"

* * * *

When they finally returned to the truck, they found it......missing...as well as El Dorado's car...and the yaks...which could only mean......one thing! There was some one or something out to get Robert and El Dorado!

Robert yelled "What the hell happened to my van!? What the **bleep**! God **bleep** it. Son of a **bleep**."

"Silencio, por favor. I know who did this." replied El Dorado.

"Who the **bleep** did this? I'm gonna kill 'em! I didn't even own that van!" said Robert.

"My old archnemesis, EL CHUPACABRA!" said El Dorado

"You gotta be kidding me. So you're saying some mythical beast-thing stole my truck nad your car in a matter of minutes?" said Robert.

"Well, he is mythical." replied El Dorado.

"Great. Just **bleep**ing great... Where are we supposed to find this Chupa-whatever?" said Robert.

"He resides in Tijuana. We shall head there." said El Dorado.

"HOW THE **bleep** ARE WE GONNA GET TO TIJUANA!? WE'RE IN **bleep**ING OHIO!" yelled Robert.

"Calm down, my boy. I know a way...."

* * * *

The Greyhound bus Robert and El Dorado had taken from Ohio to Tijuana was stuck in traffic at the border, behind a stalling Honda Civic and a fruit truck. The guys themselves were seaten between three pre-pubescent girls giggling about Johnny Depp, and a snoring whale of a woman who reeked of sour milk.

"This is your way? Your secret way into Mexico?!"

"I did not say it was a secret, hombre."

"Apparently not, since everyone and their uncle is trying to cross over!"

That's when one of the other passengers screamed "Oh MAH GAH! It's a gigantic flaming homosexual dragon wearing Gucci!"

El Dorado stood up. "Who said that!? Who offends the Dorado?!"

"Dude, you're not wearing Gucci." Robert whispered.

"They do not know that!"

"Who cares? All I wanted to do was finish my delieveries and get that rotting smell out of my truck. Now we're at the US/Mexico border, stuck in traffic, dying slowly, and you care someone called you a flaming homosexual?"

"Yes."

"OK, you're justified."

El Dorado's bloodlust returned, and he just realized that it was his Aunt Mildred's birthday and he forgot to buy her a present.

"Ay de mi!" said El Dorado.

"What now!?" said Robert.

"I forgot my Auntie's birthday present!" he replied.

Robert looked at him with a dumbfounded look on his face. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You have such an absurd sense of prioritizing. I thought crossing the border was our biggest concern, but now, you're worried about defending your sexuality and buying birthday presents?!"

El Dorado nodded sadly.

Looking about, Robert looked for a solution to this. "You beat up that dude who called you gay and get some anger off your head whilst I find you a present."

"Wait!"

"What now?!"

"I can only buy Aunt Mildred a certain present every year! This year I have to buy her liquid nitrogen!" said El Dorado sadly.

"What...? How...?" Robert smacked his face. "I'm not going to ask. Well, where are we going to find liquid nitrogen?"

"I don't know!" cried El Dorado. "But we must find it, or else my Uncle Rico will beat me!"

"That doesn't surprise me. "

As El Dorado set upon beating the insulting passenger senseless, Robert climbed out the back of the bus and scoured the road for a liquid nitrogen truck. That's when three elephants began stampeeding and knocking over parked vehicles.

"Uh..." Robert froze as the chaos around him continued..then he ignored it and contineud his search...

As he scanned the road ahead for a liquid nitrogen truck, he stopped in his tracks when he saw something ahead even better. He saw-

"My truck!" Robert and Jack Burton said in unison. They looked at each other, and then ran to their respective trucks. But when Robert got to his, he found in the cab was Frito Lay, the fillipino drag queen off 43rd whom El Dorado had thought was just a spicy latino chick.

"What are you doing with my truck?"

"Delivering Hostess Twinkies and King Dongs to some friends in meh-hee-co. What you doin?"

"That's my truck!"

"Not anymore, sugar, but you can have that pile of rotting yak corpses in the back."

Robert opened the driver's side door and pulled Frito out of the cab and threw it on the road. "No trick's gonna deliver my cupcakes!"

Before Frito could react, the he/she was hit by a bus full of emo kids shouting "The End is near! The End is near!"

Robert started his truck and started plowing through the cars around him, towards the raging El Dorado.

"Dude, get in before I get arrested!"

"You take great risks, my friend. I love you very much so!"

As El Dorado ceased his rioting and climbed into Robert's truck, the truck backfired loudly as Robert put the pedal to the metal and their heads were thrown backwards as they began a hyper-warped supersonic speed down the dusty mehico roads... they held on to anything at hand, but still... their appearance was one of a rider hanging on to a bucking bronco.. up and down they flailed around.. hearing the sloshing of the rotted yak as it slammed in the back.. the truck was growling, grumbling, whining as it slammed the cars and donkey-drawn carts to the side.. they caught up to the emo bus, tossing chicklets at the children in full gratitude for the "fritto-lay" incident...

"Oh Robert-O.. I - I.. ive never been so full of LIFE!!!", El Dorado exclaimed as twinkies were unwrapped and eaten in a frenzy.. "...being with you is almost a divine experience..."

A horn honked as a Mini Cooper was knocked out of the truck's path.

"...I have never told anyone this before, but, I'm not really ethnic."

"Really?"

A lady screamed as she was caught under the truck's tires.

"And I'm not really suave."

"I know that."

A cat meowed as it bounced off the truck's windshield.

"And I'm not really..."

"Don't say it!"

"...from Earth."

"Huh?"

And that's when three black CIA helicopters landed on the road in front of them, agents with automatic weapons leaping out to surround the truck.

"El Chupa Nibre, we know it's you. Out of the truck!"

"Is he talking to you or me?"

"I do not know, but I do know that what I don't know is not very good."

Both got out and put their hands behind their heads.

"You're under arrest for trespassing on United States soil with no intention for political or economic gain!"

"Only a miracle could save us now."

Suddenly, a knife struck the lead agent in the throat, sending the man falling backwards to his death. The impact of the knife sent a jolt through his body, his tense finger pulling back on the gun's trigger. The bullet released hit the agent to his side, having the same effect. As that agent's weapon fired, the next man was hit and so on it continued in a domino effect, ending with every agent lying dead on the road.

Robert and El Dorado turned around to see Jack Burton. "It's all in the reflexes."

* * * *

As Robert climbed back into his truck, El Dorado smiled and shook his friend's hand. "It has been quite a night, and although we did not get to woo the womens, it was a night I will never forget."

"Are you really from outer space?"

"Yes, I am. And, yes, my uncle will hurt me, so I must leave you now."

"Where will you go? Who will you annoy?"

"Whomever I meet, boyo, whomever I meet."

Robert started up the truck and headed for home. He looked in his rearview mirror to see El Dorado boarding one of the CIA's helicopters. The copter took off and started shooting parked vehicles with missles. Robert smiled as the flames grew smaller and smaller in the distance...





THE END?