#6 - Sworn To Go Along / The Last Stand of Emeril

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Sworn to Go Along
or
The Last Stand of Emeril

by

duzitickle, PhonkthePhilosopher, Dojack, LessontheLesson, SOCOMSoldier017, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

[part 1]

Adrift at sea, waiting to die, Michael Penn thought about the previous weeks of his life, wondering why it had come to this...





THREE WEEKS EARLIER



Michael's door rang and he was to surprised to find Frank, his mailman, in the nude and trying to hand deliver a small package. When Michael got past the idea that Frank was naked (and seemingly oblivious to his lack of clothing) he signed for the parcel and shook it. he became alarmed when he noticed the whirring noise coming from his matchbox-sized, yet inconcievably heavy mail. As he looked at it with wide eyes he realized nude Frank had left in quite a hurry. Unsure how much time he had, Michael heaved the parcel up onto the roof next door and took cover. Moments passed in silence. As he crunched down, hands over ears and a$$ in the air, his other neighbor asked "What the flip are you doing, Mike?"

Relaxing, Mike stood up, embarassed, and said "Columbia House. Tired of their $hit."

"Hey, no worries. I throw stuff up onto Rick's roof all the time. That's what he gets for leaving that piece of $hit Civic out in the open!"

As his neighbor went inside, so to did Mike, since the ticking box warrented no more worry.



* * * *



Just as Michael sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune, a loud explosion atop Rick's roof shattered the window pane behind him. Michael got up from his chair and ran outside. That's when.....he heard a sound he thought a hoover the size a small skyscraper would make. he held onto the mirror of Rick's crappy civic, his legs flying up in the air and watched as the neighbors (and his tv) flew past him into a hole where Rick's roof used to be. just when he thought he could hold on no more..

the Civic lifted into the air, su cking both itself and Rick into a void of black, sticky stuff. 'like warm licorice' his mind thought stupidly.



* * * * *



Michael awoke to find himself staring at a large vomit-covered meatball lodged in the side of a school building. As he shifted his gaze, the landscape ahead was much like Montana, with the exception of a river of Surge and a mountain shaped like a snake. "Oh, now what?"

Michael turned about to see the void he had come thorugh was still open. He sprinted for it, stumbling, almost falling, his mouth open as he clawed his way towards the void, which looked eerily like his Aunt Marge's carport. he shook this insane thought from his mind as he took a flying leap into the black swirly carport. he merely bounced backwards and sat there on arse, his head titled in a quizzical way and looking at the swirly beyond. he glanced over his shoulder and saw a sea of school kids, covered in meatball remnants and wearing BK crowns pouring out of the balled buildin. they were coming, no running at him. Mike turned again to the carport/vortex...

I'm not going to die here, he thought. I still need to see how Sopranos ends!

Ahead, the vortex doorway was closing. Typical. As Mike leapt for the void, he felt a hand grip his ankle.



* * * *



Mike was back on his street, neighbors gathered to spectate in his and Rick's misfortunes. Mike looked down to see a small, vomit-covered boy had followed him back. "My name's Timmy. Thank you for rescuing me."

"Uh, sure..."

"What the **bleep** happened to my roof?! Where's my car?!?!" Rick shouted.

"Hey, Timmy, can you still run?"

Rick saw Mike and grimmaced. "You!! This is your fault, isn't it?!" Just as Rick charged...a gunshot rang through the air, rick hit the floor and rolled for cover.

Mike looked around and settled on Timmy, who was brandishing a smoking PEZ dispenser in Rick's general direction.

"i put gumdrops in it", he explained nonchalantly.

"let's get out of here" Mike growled. "and put that thing on safety".

Hoping it was safe, Rick stood up and saw Michael and the like freak kid running away. "Get back here, you two!"

"Rick...why don't we have a roof?"

(sing-song) "Coming dear."



* * * *



Sitting inside a Sheetz, Mike watched as Timmy ducked behind a car and followed it into the car wash. Meanwhile, as he waited for the kid to get the turtle wax, he pulled out his cell phone and made a call. "Brenda, is Lou there? OK, tell him he needs to call me when he gets back. Huh? Yes, I had fun the other night. I don't know, Brenda, maybe. Now's not a good time. OK. Same to you with a titty twist."

Timmy walked into Sheetz soaking wet and steaming. "Can I get a Twinkie, now?"



* * * *



Just as the dump truck backed into Rick's driveway, a hole in the air opened and out of it came a skeleton, wielding a samurai sword and helmet, and clad in yellow and orange armor.

"Daddy, look! Skeletor!"

The skeleton warrior charged at the kid and kicked him into the house via the front window. "I AM NOT SKELETOR! I am Bludgeon! Where is the child?"

"You mean mine, the one you just kicked?" asked Rick, almost crying.

"No, the one covered in bile!"

"He followed my neighbor into town."

Bludgeon turned, slashed the dump truck's tire, and ran off towards town.

"Oh, dear? Why is Charlie sticking out of the fridge?"

"Coming, dear."



* * * *



Mike and Timmy sat on a park bench, waiting for...something. Mike's cell phone to go off. Another void to open. Timmy to spontaneously combust. Whatever.

"Timmy, can you tell me where you came from?"

"A stork. That's what my mommy said."

"Santa Claus, more likely." Mike said sarcastically.

"Santa Claus! Awesome!"

"Timmy, please, can you tell me everything that happened to you before you grabbed my leg?"

"Okay...."

Timmy went on to tell a tale that's been heard all too often. He's had parents, he'd had toys, he'd lived through a satanic ritual or too, and had seen more Cap'n Crunch in his life that any boy Timmy's age should.

Mike sat in amazement at this tale. What he found most astonishing was the detail with which Timmy could recall his entire life's story and the liberty that Tim took with the term "before". Mike never would be able to remember more than a few tidbits of Timmy's unbelievable story, but he would never forget the simple experience of being told.

As an awkward silence overcame the duo that something that they were waiting for decided to wait no longer. As clearly as he saw the nose on his face (which is not very clear at all), Mike saw a small worm ease its way from Tim's ear.

Mike Grabbed the worm in his ear! It was Kim-JongIll in a form of a form of a worm instead of a thingyroach. Kim was once again looking for a host to use So he found mike a better host so he jumped to his ear reaching the brainThe body of Mike, now possessed by the worm-sized warlord, jumped around in confusion. Bystanders started to gather around the carwash parking lot. Finally, Kim Jong Ill jumped out of Mike with a final "Dammit!" and fell to the ground where he was instantly smashed. But of course Kim's true leader "The Giant Baby" was not going to stand for this. He attacked the city with his giant Toy Which crushed just about the whole airforce. Sephiroth was watching the destruction But then he could not stand the giant baby for Sephiroth was the true leader So sephiroth flew towards the Baby Then "Big Baby," said Sephiroth, summoning the giant Body by its true name. "I command you to be green."

And the Body turned green. Sephiroth smiled, thinking of the newfound power he seemed to have over this creature. He pondered the infinite ways he might command it to do his bidding, for the good or ill of mankind. It stood there, twenty storeys tall, with its head in the clouds, green all over and it looked right back at Sephiroth. Sephiroth's lips curled into a smile and he shouted once again- "Big Baby! "I command you to...clean up this mess, but do so dressed as a color-blind cheetah and sing the tune of The Pina Colada song. When you are finished, and you do a good job, then maybe we'll go sack Denver. Okay?"

And with that, the mammoth adversaries were gone...

Mike looked at Tim in astonishment. "Now, please tell me your mother nags you about washing your ears."

That's when a samurai sword nearly lopped Mike's head off. The two rolled into the fountain and turned to see a skeleton warrior charging at them. "Behold! It is I: Bludgeon," said the skeleton warrior, holding out his credentials: a little black wallet with a few pictures of him posing for the camera in a bikini. "I am here to remove Timmy from this silly vomit-free world. All who try to stop me shall be hewn in twain by my mighty samurai sword!"

It was at this point that Mike realized Bludgeon's sword was made of plastic. Not only that, but Bludgeon wasn't even the skeleton he first appeared. The bones were painted on a black spandex suit. Now this was ridiculous, thought Mike.

Mike said, “Stop fooling around, buddy. What do you think you're doing?" Mike took the sword away from him. "I saw this same thing at Toys R Us."

Suddenly, the skeleton split in two to reveal that he was actually a green robot which transformed into a tank. Bludgeon-tank aimed his canon at the boy. "My Pretender shell may not have intimidated you, but I'm sure this will. "Now get inside me!" said Bludgeon-the-tank.

"Beg Pardon?" Mike was confused. He looked over at Tim, who seemed just as perplexed.

"You heard me! Jump in."

Tim approached Bludgeon-the-tank, which was no more than four feet tall and a few feet wide. Mike walked up to the other side of the little tank and scratched his head. It was at this moment that Mike realized he could read minds. Eureka! he thought. He could hear Tim's thoughts too. Mike and tim both decided they were going to pick up Bludgeon-the-tank and hurl him into the gutter.

On three, he thought at Tim. One. Two Three!

“Three!”

Mike and tim made their move toward Blugeon Tank. Mike grabbed him from around the ankles, Tim by the head. "Hold on a sec!" Mike said as he spotted Blugeon wearing some kickin' Nike Air Force ones. "I'm coppin' these kicks from you nyucka!". "Throw him already d**nit!" As Blugeon hurled toward the gutter, the last words he uttered were "hyptu corana nikto". "Oh mother **bleep**!" exlaimed Tim. "what's wrong?" asked Mike. " He just unleashed a force on us the likes of which has never been seen or heard since the eighties and early ninties!" "Well what the he-" before Mike could finish his sentence a square shape tear in space and time opened in front of them. "Hey everybody! The secret word for today is Anihalation!".

"You've got to be sh1ting me!" Tim gasped as he gazed at none other than Pee Wee Herman. "We have to get the hell out of here!" Tim exlaimed as Pee Wee walked toward them, the very ground he tread upon died as he walked on his tippy toes reciting one liners from his canceled tv show, all the while fondling himself. "My god, the very escence of his futility is making everything around him die! We have to get help, and fast!" Tim stuttered as he and Mike made a mad dash away from Pee Wee, who for the while just seemed to be enjoying walking around aimlessly in an orgasmic state of idiocy. "Who's gonna stop a guy like that!" aske Mike. "There's only one man who can" answered TIm "Chuck Norris?" asked Mike eagerly. "No, last I heard he and a bunch of super stars beat the crap out of a whole town and are on haitus. We need someone else, someone who knows Pee wee." Tim said as he gazed up to a billboard of a cowboy on a horse. "No way......." Mike said. "I thought he died." "Oh he's very much alive and we need his help more than ever." The two headed on a journey, a journey to find Cowboy Curtis.



* * * *

Meanwhile in the depths of the sewer, Blugeon's body floated on a turd a rat was feasting upon. His eyes shot open....

While Tim and Mike made a mad dash for the bus station, Bludgeon-the-tank floated lazily down the underground river called the storm sewer. He was confident that PeeWee Herman could finish his job for him, but he also felt a degree of anxiety about putting his work in someone else's hands. Finally, he found a tunnel leading upwards and climbed up onto the street. The city above was in ruins. PeeWee's outline could be seen on the horizon as a mighty pillar of shadow spouting fire into the heavens. The sun was going down.

Now Bludgeon knew what he must do. He concentrated very hard on the shape of a pink triangle. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he had transformed from his green tank form into the form of a stately man dressed in 19th century garb. Only, he had a tall piece of pink construction paper sticking out the back of his head, loike a sail.

"Good day," he said to a passing womam with mascera-stained cheeks. He said the magic words haira kazoo and viola! The woman morphed into a giant elephant. "Hello there," he said to a crippled man perched atop a broken slab of concrete. When the man didn't reply, Bludgeon turned him into a little black crow, which fluttered off to perch atop the elephant's back.

A great lizard suddenly appeared before Bludgeon. "I am Gorgakk!" he cried, "and I am the magician of this city. I challenge you to a game of checkers to see who is fit to rule the other." Just in that moment, something very strange happened to Gorgakk...Gorgakk morphed into a huge dinosaur, twenty storeys tall.

"No! No!" said Bludgeon, but it was too late.

Where Pee Wee the monster could be seen on the skyline, causing ruin wherever he went, so did Gorgakk-the-dinosaur follow to where PeeWee now stood. Now they fought each other and it was a mighty fight. Bludgeon was powerless to do anything except watch as fire exploded from one tower to the other. They stood in the far distance, perhaps four miles away, but the spectacle of the two monsters fighting each other with their head in the clouds dominated the skyline. Suddenly one of them fell, but they were too far distant for Bludgeon to see which one. Night was coming on fast and Bludgeon soon found himself standing there alone, staring into the gloom.

"Do your worst...if you dare," came a voice from behind Bludgeon's ear. Bludgeon whirled around and found himself staring at a man-sized lizard with glowing red eyes.

"And Pee Wee--"

"He is very dead. You know, you shouldn't give a monster such an obvious weakness as pornos. I merely waved a DVD of FAT AS$ED MAMAS at him and he went limp like a little worm. I merely had to push him over and he crumbled into ashes."

"But he was...he was my greatest achievement."

"Not anymore. So, I believe we were about to settle who between us is the mightier?"

Bludgeon was suddenly overcome with a new idea. He started laughing, cackling is more like it. He stared at Gorgakk, who was becoming a little uneasy. He re-doubled his cackling. Then he stopped laughing long enough to say these words: "Eknar. Buurina. Morgat!"

Suddenly a very bright light came out of Bludgeon's chest. That was the last think Gorgakk ever saw. The light quickly grew into a superhot red flame that expanded and consumed everything around it. Bludgeon was the first to burn up. Then Gorgakk. Both magicians burned and died instantly. Then the flame spread out to the edges of the city, where it sizzled out. Every living thing in that city was reduced to ash within a few minutes. Thus was the end of Bludgeon and Gorgakk.



* * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, Mike and Tim were on a bus, well out of the city. In fact, they were surrounded on all sides by corn fields and empty road. They were hoping to find that mysterious man known in some parts of the world as Cowboy Curtis. But where they would find him, only fate knew.

"Mike, who is this Cowboy Curtis?"

"A legend. A myth. An unemployed actor outside of uber-geek films? Who's to say? But I fear he may be our only hope. But What I find strange is why Bludgeon was following you? Did you do something wrong? Steal candy? Tax evasion?"

"Well, my mom said to never talk to strangers."

"But you've been following me for hours. I bought you an f'n Twinkie!"

"Okay. You see I went to High School with bludgeon when he used to be human. Me and him had a dare who could lose their virginity before graduation. I lost mine to that hot chick who now works at McDonalds, he lost his to a chick who was really a dude I had convinced to dress as a chick and jump his bones." **bleep**...just, **bleep**. Mike said as the bus finally came to a stop outside of a 7-11. "Rest stop" the driver grumbled as he got out of his seat and headed into the building. "Finally! I gotta **bleep** like a race horse!" Mike said as him and Tom left the bus. All of a sudden the 7-11 burst into flames and the explosion sent Mike and Tom careening back into the bus knocking them both unconsious.

"Hello there, and welcome...to the real world." said a figure standing over them. Mike couldn't make out who it was as his vision slowly came back into focus. "Sorry about that explosion boys, I was practicin' mah lassoin' skills and accidentally hit a gas mane. Luckily the bus driver was the only one who died, it's cool though, he was a child molester anyway". "Who are y-oh my god." Tom paused as he was starring at none other than Cowboy Curtis. Behind Curtis was another man, short hair, a goatee, glazed over look on his countenance. "That can't be who I think it is...is it?" Mike asked Curtis. "Oh yeah fellas', that's mah good friend, Keeanu Reeves." "Not only do we have Cowboy Curtis, but we have a Keannu Reeves, we're gonna totally kick pee-wee's a$$" Mike exlaimed as he and Tom got up brushing themselves off. "Whoa...." Keannu said. "Friend doesn't say much, but he sure can deliver the saviorin'!" Curtis said. "You fella's need a lift?" "S-sure." Tom and Mike stammered as the group headed off toward Curtis's ride, the batmobile.

* * * *

In an undisclosed, dank warehouse, a man at a computer terminal was accessing a program entitled: Bludgeon Core Programming. He dragged it into a folder labeled Version 2.0 and double clicked another program.

On a table near by, another green robot was receiving the programming while a pneumatic mold press lifted, revealing a newly shaped Pretender shell for Bludgeon.

"Soon, very soon, when the writers deem it necessary, I will wreak the havoc I'm entitled to and destroy the little boy Timmy!"



* * * *

* * * *

"So let me get this straight, little man," started Keanu, "You're only six years old, yet you have a nemesis that's been resurrected as a Transformer because you screwed his girl...and then him?"

"Yep."

"Woah!"

As they rode in the batmobile there came a great rumbling up the road ahead. A giant robot bursts from the ground fashioning all kinds of sadistic weaponry. Lazers, knives and stabbing weapons, double sided dildos, it was awful. "**bleep** **bleep**" exlaimed Cowboy Curtis. "Yeah what is it?" answered Keannu Reeves as everyone in the car looked at him in a befuddled look.

"I am a sentinel, sent forth to-"

"Sentinels?!" Keanu jumped up, threw on his dark sunglasses, and flew at it, knocking it over. "It ends tonight."

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" Atop the hill stood a scarred black man with a mullet and a large rifle. "That's my sentinel! That's Nimrod!"

"And you are?"

"The name's Bishop, rookie."

As Keanu and Bishop argue over who gets to attack the sentinel, the robot regains its balance and charges at the batmobile.

"Step on it, Curtis!"

The sentinel charged after the batmobile. Mike looked into Curtis's sideview mirror to see that the object was seemed larger then-

The sentinel fired a rocket and exploded a Dairy Queen ahead. "Hang on!" yelled Curtis as he reacted to the oncoming debris, driving around the soft serve machines and refridgerators.

"Don't you have any weapons in this tub?'

"Back seat!"

Tim looked down to see an assortment of costumes and props. One was a soldier's fatigues and a M-16, another was a doctor and a stethoscope, and one was a french maid with a feather duster. "So, you're not really a cowboy?"

Curtis saw Timmy about to cry. "Of course I'm a cowboy, pardner!"

Mike, improvising, grabbed a large container of vasoline he found in the backseat and spilled it out onto the road behind them. The sentinel careened over the vasaline sending it flying into the air and landing in the batmobile's path. "I can't stop it, the brakes are shot!" yelled curtis as the two boys screamed. The batmobile slammed into the sentinel, as if in slowmotion. Before the plutonium feul of the car exploded a figure in a dark coat and sunglasses came flying through the flames plucking up the two boys and curtis. The explosion of the batmobile destroyed the sentinell and everything within a two mile radius. Mike was unable to see anything as they flew at super sonic speed away from the explosion. "Holy mother fuk! Slow down Johnny Mneumonic!" yelled bishop as he hung on to Keanu's coat tails. After about two minutes they finally set foot on ground. Bishop immediately kissing the ground as they landed. "Thank god for land!" he gasped. "I think I'm gonna throw up!" Mike said as he stumbled away. "Nice flying, just like in the old days" Curtis said. "Thank you Morpheus-oops!" Keannu replied. "D.amnit Keanu! Thanks for blowing my cover!" "Morpheus, Keanu, who are you guys really!?" asked Tom as he went to help his friend Mike puking.

"It is time you all know the truth. Come with us if you want to live."

"So far, we were doing better without you."

Bishop tapped his armband and a rift in time opened. "This way."

Hesitantly, all followed through.

[whatbombsatmidnite]

[part 2]

* * * *

Curtis/Morpheus/Laurence Fishbourne stood on a rocky outcropping, over looking a vast cavern. He began screaming, addressing the four men below him.

"Eons ago, the four dimensions were justly ruled in peace by The Wizard's Alliance..."

Mike leaned down and whispered to Timmy. "Pay attention, Tim. This is called a monolouge, and most likely, will allow us to not just understand, but take advantage of name dropping to start selling memorabilia, like figures and lunch boxes!"

Curtis continued. "These four dimensions, Slow Earth, Lucky Earth, Doomed Earth, and Quebec, were assigned different camps or legions of enforcers. Doomed Earth was ruled by a sorceror named Keldor. Lucky Earth ruled by a chef named Emeril, Slow Earth by Chuck Norris and his warriors, and Quebec was ruled by the man-eating turtle Zombie Heyzeus."

Tim tugged on Mike's pants leg. "This is confusing."

"However, a great war brought each within conflict of each other until it was revealed that Emeril had grown bored of his reign and plotted to over throw the other three by pitting them against each other."

"It is up to us to stop this war. We must stop Emiril. For if we don't I fear there may be nothing left. I can see the end coming, the darkness spreading, and we are all that stands in his way. We must fight my fight my friends, fight for the future. This is Mortal Kombat." All of a sudden a voice filled the cavern screaming the words Mortal Kombat, followed by techno music. "Oops, wrong movie." blushed Morpheus. "I never thought I'd see the day." Tim stammered. "That we would be the ones sole responsible for saving the universe" "I never thought I'd see a black man blush like that." retorted Mike. "I mean, the end MUST be near now."

"Come my friends, for we have much training to do." Morpheus ordered. "What kind of training?" Tim and Bishop both asked. "Combat training." Keannu answered. "I remember going through the same thing you guys are going through. Now it's time to do it again. The final battle for humanity for existence is at hand." "The whole freakin' world is against us dude, I swear to god." Mike said as the four saviors headed toward the training room.

"This," said Morpheus holding up a small metal pen, "is a standard issue neuralizer. You will use it to clear the memories of any bystanders, should they witness the aliens--"

"Dude, wrong movie," said Keanu

"Oops, he's right again!" Morpheus threw the pen off to the side. "Would you retrieve my katana for me, Keanu? I'm feeling in the mood for either a prophesy or a sword fight, I don't know which."

Keanu picked the sword off the ground and withdrew it from its sheath. "Dude! This is so totally excellent."

"Keanu, please hand me my sword."

"Righteous sword, man. I am really digging it." Keanu handed the sword to Morpheus and then raised up his hands, mimicing shredding on a guitar, saying, "diddly-oo-diddly-oo-diddly-oo."

Morpheus drew his sword. "you have to take this sword from me with your bear hands, try, if you can"

"How the fuk are we supposed to do that!?" yelled Tim. "I'm only a little kid, and Mike, well....he's Mike"

"Hey man what the hell does that mean?" asked Mike.

Before they could talk any further a martial arts dojo materialized around them." "Where the hell are we!?" asked Tim. "This is the training construct, it will help you in you progress to become ultimate warriors." Tim grabbed some nun chucks off the wall, while Mike grabbed a Chinese Broadsword. The fight that followed was, well, an a$$ beating. Morpheus Kicked tim sending him flying upside down, head skipping the ground and crashing into the wall. "**bleep** **bleep**!!!" screamed Mike as he lunged for Morpheus. As Mike swung, Morpheus dodged out of the way and cut Mike's leg off. "OH FUK!!! MY LE-hey, it doesn't hurt!"

"Of course not, this is a training construct." Answered Morpheus. "I thought you two had martial arts ability at first, guess we have to upload it into the both of you via supository." "We've been getting screwed this whole trip haven't we, now we REALY are." Tim exlaimed as he got up. "What about Bishop?" asked Tim.

"I don't need none of your fancy a$$ training, I can make it on my own."

After a day, and many supositories later, the boys were ready. "Not only is your training at it's peak, you can also poop better and cleaner." Morpheus exlaimed as Mike, Tim, Morpheus, Bishop, and Keanu headed out to find Emiril. "We must travel to the highlands, and then to the lakes rivers and streams, we're going to go through da' hood, and see da' boys about bustin some caps yo!" "Wrong movie again!" Bishop retorted as they passed through a canyon in the desert.

They had been traveling on foot for what seemed liked days, camping out, telling stories, coming out of the closet, Keanu admitted that he was awesome, Mike admitted he was a nerd, and Tim admitted his ba11s havent dropped, bishop admitted to killing his own family and eating the bodies. To say the least, it had been quite a journey. Finally they arrived at what appeared to be a spinning vortex in between two pillars out in the middle of nowhere. "This is it, the Stargate" Morpheus said. "What is it with you and confusing movies!" Bishop exlaimed. "My bad yo, beyond this gate is the universe in which Emiril lies, we will be transported to his fortress known as hell's kitchen. It is a dastardly fortress manned by million of chinese chefs and robots and blah blah blah in we go!" Morpheus said as he and the rag tag group, entered the vortex. When they popped out on the other side, they were at the fortress. It appeared to be a giant castle surrounded by a huge wall. The eye of emiril sat on pillars, flaming in it's evilness. "What chu' motha fuka's doin hur!" exlaimed a voice. As the group turned around, they immediately almost shat themselves at who was standing there. It was none other than a bearded man in a cowboy hat, two fat musicians with guitars, a zombie turtle, a man named Keldor, and what appeared to be three black men. "yo yo yo dis is Bubba sparx" Bubba said. "The yin yang twins" whispered the twins. "I am Norris." answered Chuck, "I'm Chaz" chaz answered. "WE ARE TENACIOUS D!!! YEAAAAAH!!!!" as they wailed on their enchanted axes. "I am Zombie Heyzeus" "I am Keldor, ruler of Doomed Earth" "Together, we have assembled to help you on your battle and fulfill the prophecy." Chuck said. Keanu walked over to Tenacious D. "EXCELLENT!" he exlaimed while mimiking a wailing of a guiter. "didly didly didly wow woooow!"

Keldor raised his havoc staff and made the skies boom and brought forth lightning. Then Keldor's skin began to melt only to reveal a more familiar face.

"Skeletor!" Tim shouted.

"Yes, I must see balance returned and Emeril destroyed...again...forever...again. And then, we can appoint a new overseer for the dimension known as -" [screams of agony in the distance] - "Lucky Earth."

"The way to the belltower will be long and perilous." Zombie Heyzeus decreed. "Any who do not feel they can make it, now is the time to go back."

Mike, Tim, Bishop, Keanu, Tenacious D, and Chaz began to turn away.

"Men, hold your ground!" Norris commanded.

"Once we reach the tower's zenith, only 'The One' will be able to defeat Emeril forever."

"That would be me." Keanu said.

"Maybe it's Jet Li. He's The One, Too, you know." JB added.

"No, I'm the one. The Oracle -"

Before the bickering could commence, a legion of terminators riding T-Rexes appeared marching out of the valley.

"They are coming."

"In order to conserve our groups energy we must take turns vanquishing our foes, I'll start us off." Chuck said as he slowly walked toward the rumbling stampede of Terminators and T rexes. The scene that followed next was one of pure magnificent skill, rage, and horror at the same time. Chuck Norris proceded to toss his hat in the air very high, then he began to deliver a series of roundhouse kicks to the t rexes knee caps, busting them out fifty at a time. the T rexes fell, breaking their own necks as the terminators hopped off and charged at norris. The scene that followed next was one of inexplicable horror, Chuck norris grabbed the first terminator and ripped it's core fuel cell out, tossing it into a nearby group of machines, the explosion whipped out half of the legion as norris took the spine out of one of the others and proceeded to hack and kick and beard, yes using his beard as a weapon, his way through the rest of the group. It was all over in a matter of seconds. Before Chuck's hat hit the ground he caught it and put it back on his head. "That wasn't too bad" he said calmly. "It took longer because I didn't stretch out, sorry for the wait." The rest of the group looked on in awe, oblivious to anything else but the carnage they had just witnessed. "Yeah it was ok, but I'll do better next." Bishop said as the gang headed toward the tower.

[whatbombsatmidnite]

[part 3]

* *

"You've got to be fuking kidding me!" screamed Emiril. "We could always send out....the ginger kids" Pee wee remarked. "I suppose, I guess we'll have to progress through bad guys who are evil just as in the movies." "AND HOW HAHAHA" Pee wee said as he stupidly giggled and danced about. "Man I shouldn't have resurrected you after you died at the hands of that lizard, but you are a good tactician none the less, too bad for Gordrak, he saw a much worse fate. Being in a 24 hour sitcom named "Everyone loves Raymond." All of the ginger kids were then released to the base of the castle to meet the oncoming group.

"I handle this." Bishop said as he thingyed his futuristic shotgun and fired off twelve rounds.

All the ginger kids remained.

"**bleep** it. OK, that's pretty much all I can do - " The ginger kids shot beams from their eyes at the mutant tracker. Bishop absorbed their fire and rechanneled it at them. "OK, so I can do that."

"Don't get thingyy, kid." Norris said. "There's plenty more waiting for us."

As the group entered the Tower, they found the lower levels were infested with Oprahites.

"This feels like a video game." Tim said.

"Like motha' fukin' gta bizatch" Bubba sparx yelled as him and the yin yang twins opened fire with their tech 9's and glocks upon the coming oprahites. The oprahites bounced the bullets off of their tremendous gullets. "Well motha fuk! said sparxxx" as him and the twins hid behind Zombie Heyzeus. "Are you ready Chaz?" Heyzeus asked. "Ready." Chaz answered. Chaz began to glow with a magnificent light. "You all get out of here and go to the next level now!" Chaz yelled. "I'll handle this!!!" "Are you crazy kid!!?" Curtis yelled. "Let him do it, he can handle it, he's been waiting a long time". As the group left the lower level and headed toward the mezanine, they heard Chaz yell and then a huge explosion that caved in the wall behind them. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" said Kyle from Tenacious D, tears streaming down his face. "He was a brave warrior." Chuck said. "We won't let his death be for nothing." "True soldia' to da end." the twins quaveringly whispered.

When they arrived at the Mezanine they were greeted by a million men in dark suits. Each wearing sunglasses. "They all look the same" Mike said as they stopped at the entrance of the vast mezanine. "They're all mine....totally" Keannu said as he put on his glasses again and flew toward the nearest agent. "You can't take all of them, youll need our he-" "He'll do just fine, he may be dumb as hell, but he's the only one I've seen who can go toe to toe with The Elven King" Curtis interupted Tim. "WRONG FUKING MOVIE AGAIN!!!" yelled Bishop. They all watched in amazement as the agents and Keanu took flight fighting in mid air. Keannu kicked and punched them around with sweet martial arts moves that even made Chuck Norris grin in excitement. Whenever Keeanu killed an agent it dissapeared into a green light that shrunk in on itself. It looked like fire works were lighting the room. Then all that stood left after one minute of fighting was only one agent. Keanu and the agent both faced each other from the other side of the room. "It ends tonight." Keanu said. "I know it does I've seen it, but we all know that I'm the one that beats you!" Agent Smith said. And with that they took off at each other running. "Why are they moving so **bleep** slow." Tim asked. "It's slow motion its dramatic now shut it!" retorted Morpheus/Curtis/laruence fishburne. The fight that followed was even more extravagant than the last. Both keanu and the agent seemed to be evenly matched. "I think I've seen this in a movie somewhere." Mike said as agent smith and neo plumited toward the ground shaking the whole fortress. "Why do you persist!" asked agent smith. "Because I choose to, and I have to be a martyr in every movie fight I'm in, and ladies love me, not you." Keanu answered. They fought in the crater for a bit. Finally Smith spearhanded Keanu in the chest smothering him in a dark mattery substance. "Oh god not again!" Keldor yelled. Keanu had turned into a duplicate. "Is it over?" smith asked. The duplicate nodded, then twitched then exploded in a radiance of light. "NO, no no no no!" screamed Smith as he too exploded into light. Immediately following, from the heavens came two angels. One of which was Chaz, the other...."Gary Busey!" yelled chuck Norris. They carried Keanu's soul and turned him to an angel as well. "sweet! I'm an angel now" Keannu said, and as he went to mimic the air guitar, a real one appeared in his hands as he rocked out. "We'll join ya'!" said Tenacious D as they jammed for a whole five minutes singing the walker Texas ranger theme with a remix twist provided by the yin yang twins and bubba sparxxx. "We'll help if you need it!" Busey said, and with that, the angels dissapeared. "This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Mike said as Him, Tim, Heyzeus, Keldor, Norris, Tenacious D, Sparx and the twins, and bishop, headed toward the top of the tower, the final battle was at hand.

Outside the enormous door to the bell tower, three men with suits and briefcases awaited Mike, Tim, Heyzeus, Skeletor, Norris, Tenacious D, Sparx and the twins, and Bishop. "Fight'n Celebs?"

"Is that our name?" Mike asked Zombie Heyzeus.

"Who are you?" demanded Norris.

"We represent the United State Government. I need each of you to sign these liability and non-disclosure clauses before we can allow you to enter the chamber and continue with this clusterf#ck of trademarked properties."

Skeletor turned his Havoc staff into a pen. "Figures."

"I can't even imagine how much worse the legal battle in all of this is" said Tim. Skeletor finished signing the papers and they walked through the door. The group was surprised, not by an enourmous room, it was much more than a room. It was an infinite quadrant of space and time that stretched into eternity. "This is the portal chamber" a voice said. The group looked around to find Emiril sitting in an arm chair. A couple of feet away from him was a kitchenet with the usual cooking utensils, spices, and various kitchen supplies. "From here I can go into any world with the flick of my wrist, conjure up any number of enemies, and cook a delicous cooked meal that would make jebus himself have a wet dream in the middle of the day." "We came here to do one thing and one thing only, and that was to stop you, now are we gonna do this thing or not!?" Curtis said. "You will fight me only after you have fought yourselves" "What in keanu's name does he mean?" Chuck Norris asked. Immediately, Emiril snapped his fingers, did a step, and said "BAM". "Oh junk that niyuga fixin't to lean and rock wit it!" Bubba exuberantly stated. However the feelings of joy turned to confusion. The shadows cast by the fearless heroes seemed to dance on their own. They immediately transformed into almost duplicates of everyone in the group, except they had glowing eyes and still looked like shadows. "You must fight the negative versions of yourselves." Emiril laughed. "Let's see if you can do it!"

"Alright guys this is it" Curtis said, just fight the dark version of yourself and you won't get confused. And with that, both groups headed toward each other at a furious speed. The forces of good and evil clashed with such force that lighting filled the room. Sparxx was getting down and ghetto with his evil self, throwing bolows and indian burns, shooting all over the place, while the darker version dodged the bullets and did the same thing back. The same predicament followed for the yin yang twins, break dance fighting, rap battles, your momma jokes flying across the room as lethal as any bullet or gumball. Tenacious D had their hands full as well, hitting each other in the heads w/ guitars, luchadore wrestling, rock paper scissors ultimate was being played as well as rock ballads. The two Norris's squared off against each other two, throwing round house kicks so hard that emiril himself hid behind a chair. The sheer magnitude of the kicks knocking the other fighters around like ragdolls in a hurricane on crack. The skeletor's battled with their Havoc staffs and the Zombie Heyzeus's fought similar to the turtles in the mario games, clashing into each other. Cowboy Curtis fought evil cowboy curtis, however the evil cowboy curtis turned out to be a closet homosexual who was a pacifist. he was immediately killed by the katana slash and glock fire of good cowboy curtis. "Thank god for that being easy, I'm gettin too old for this **bleep**!" "WRONG FUKIN MOVIE!!" Bishop said as he had no clone.

Mike fought evil Mike. "Ok, gotta remember my training." the two rushed each other, good Mike, however delivered a series of flash kicks and punches as well as a couple of hand standing kicks to the collar bone of evil Mike. Evil Mike however regained his ground and came back with round house kicks, and ridgehands to the groin. "Here we go" Tim said as he and evil tim threw tantrums at each other as well as noogies and thingypunches.

After what seemed an hour of fighting, the good fightin' celebs were losing their momentum. "This isn't working!" Chuck said. "We need another plan..I GOT IT!" "If we can't beat the evil version of ourselves, we can each fight someone else!" "Someone has to fight evil Norris!" "Not it!" said Skeletor. "Not it" resounded through the room. "Wait, where's bishop? He could do it!" "Fine what the hell guess I will!" Bishop retorted. So each member of the group fought different members of the evil group. Tenacious D immediately incapacitated the yin yang twins by singing the greatest song in the world. "It was just a tribute, mother fuker!" Tenacious finishe. The yin yang twins did the vice versa on evil Tenacious D by rapping so fast and quietely their heads exploded. Bubba sparxx broke evil Skeletor's spine and ripped it out of his **bleep**. Evil Mike killed evil Tim while good tim killed evil Mike. "No no non no! this isn't happening!" screamed Emiril. Zombie Heyzeus killed evil sparxx while good skeletor killed evil heyzeus with his havoc staff. Norris killed evil bishop before he even thought of the idea of the whole plan.

Finally, the exhausted group turned to face the bishop Norris battle. Good bishop un sheathed what appeared to be a giant cross. He hit a switch and it opened into twin gattlin guns. "Thank god I gave you that gift" good norris said as Bishop opened fire. Evil Norris deflected the bullets off of his beard and flung them back at Bishop. Bishop absorbed the bullets. "Send one over to me!" good norris said. "Bishop did so as good norris tied a piece of his beard onto the bullet sending it back to bishop who sent it right between the eyes of evil Norris killing him instantly. "Dont' fuk with my beard." good norris exlaimed. Bishop, with a smile on his face turned to walk toward the group and immediately fell down. He had been wounded. "NO!" Mike exlaimed as he ran over to bishop. "It's ok if you die" Mike said, you'll become an angel and hang around us like these three annoying **bleep**gots. " Mike said pointing to angel Chaz, BUsey and Keannu. "Aint' gonna happen kid, I can't become an angel, made a deal along time ago that pretty much sealed that right up, I decided to hold all the darkness inside of me to be locked away forever, that's why I didn't fight myself earlier" Bishop said as his breathing slowed. "You were the only one in this group that made any sense, don't leave me!" Mike said, but it was too late, bishop's body dissolved into ashes, then to light. Mike slowly stood up. "Tim, keep the rest of these guys as spectators, I've got a score to settle with Emiril". Tim , understanding, walked away with the rest of the group a few yards away. "May you go with god" Tim said. "I think gods gonna sit this one out." Mike said. This time, there was no one to say it was the wrong movie.

The heavens opened up and Emeril lifted himself into the air. Mike stared up at the charismatic yet malicious master chef. "Why do you do this? The evil baking, the old wars, the messing with fictious culture? Why wasn't policing a dimension good enough for you?"

"There was no challenge, and no audience. Everything went right on Lucky Earth before I turned the tide. Women never got PMS - the work day was only five hours - Titanic never became the overblown worldwide hit it did elsewhere - pizza never burned the roof of your mouth - prostitution was legal. Don't you get it? There was nothing to police - and no one to taste my talents! So I had the other overseers battle each other. I infected Heyzeus so he could spread free thought! And don't get me started on what Surge did to me!"

"It doesn't matter. I got dragged into this unwillingly by whoever sent me that box. I sure as hell would've rather been watching Tom and Jerry all week then protecting a puke covered six year old who talks like he's 23 and fighting skull transforming robots and Pee Wee Herman!"

As the two accused each other of being inferior and compalining, the Fight'n Celebs were forced to sit it out. Then it hit Heyzeus and Skeletor. Mike wasn't anything special. Like Gleen Greet and Chaz Gobbleton before him, he was an ordinary man, and without very *friendly* personvana, he didn't have a chance against Emeril. "$45 on Emeril." Skeletor said.

Norris looked at the sorcessor, disappointed. "Why don't you give him that lame a$$ sword you carry around with you?"

"Fine." Skeletor reached around and unseathed a sword from his back and tossed it to Mike.

Emeril grimaced. "No, don't say it. Don't say it. Remember the lawyers!"

Mike just raised the sword int he air and said "I have the Power!"

Lighting came down and struck Mike. An energy field then glowed around Mike pushing Emiril back. "What in Cuck Norris's name is this!?" yelled Emiril. "Hey! shut it!" Norris yelled a few yards away. As the energy field dispersed, revealing who lay within it. "WHATT!!!" Skeletor screamed! This isn't right! What stood in front of Emiril was no He-Man, it was the same old Mike, except he had yellow hair and green eyes.

"You have got to be getting me, we are so getting sued for this!" Tim said as he saw Mike. "I-I am a super saiyan" Mike said as he lifted himself up to meet Emiril face to face. Mike, still holding the sword, took a swing at Emiril. "Sh1T!" Emiril yelled as he materialized a few yards away. The sword slash obliterated the Kitchenett into nothing more than a birdhouse. "YOU DESTROYED MY KITCHENETTE!!!" Emirl screamed. "Alright! Thats enough! No holding back now!" Emiril yelled. Suddenly the room began to shake as a single jet black wing sprouted from Emiril's back. His skin turned black and his whole body seemed to transform. His eyes glowed red as his curly hair turned to horns. He unsheathed a giant laser spatula from his side.

"THIS ENDS NOW!" Mike yelled as they both charged each other. They both clashed causing concusion explosions throughout the room. They moved at such a speed none of the other group could see the fight, well, except Chuck Norris who was somewhat impressed. "D4mn kids and they're youth." he said as Mike and Emiril fought. Mike threw a series of kicks and sword slashes as emiril counterd and parried with his laser spatula. Mike then faded back to launch an energy blast. Emiril saw this coming and launched one of his own. The two beams clashed darkening the rest of the room illuminating the blasts. With a yell and energy from his friends, and a little guitar riff from Tenacious D, Mike's energy beam became larger as it knocked Emiril off balance. Mike, seeing this Flew over to emiril with blinding speed and punched him right in the gut. Mike, in a beat down that would make even Chuck Norris grimace, beat the ever loving crap out of Emiril for a whole minute.

"Kid's got some potential" Curtis said watching the battle. Emiril was knocked clear across the room and landed on his back toward Mike, laser spatula landing next to him. "Seems like this fight is over!" Mike yelled as he stood over Emiril ready to strike. "I DONT THINK SO!" Emiril yelled as he threw spices in Mikes face, blinding him. "BAM!!" yelled Emiril as he retrieved his spatula.

"Remember your training!" Curtis said to Mike. Mike, panicing at first, relaxed and let his senses take control. Emiril rushed at him. Mike rushed forward. They both struck at the same time, ending up on opposite sides of each other. Mike slowly sheathed his sword. Nothing. "Ha!" Emiril proudly said. "You mis-" Emiril's vision becames split into four different ways, as if a flys perspective was his own, Emiril's head fell to cut pieces to the ground as did his body.

Bubba sparxx and the twins stood over Emirils corpse "YOU GOT KNOCKED, THE FUK OUT!!!" they said and then retreated to the group. Mike smiled as he fell to the ground, hair turning doo doo brown , back to normal. "MIKE!!!" Yelled Tim as he rushed over to him. Mike's side had been wounded, badly. "This isn't like kool aid!" Tim said as he held Mike in his arms. "We....we did it" Mike said as his breathing slowed. All of a sudden the room began to shake as portals opened up everywhere.

"The space time continueum!" Curtis said. "It's breaking, we have to leave now!!!"

"But what about those two!?!" Yelled Tenacious D. "WE HAVE TO GO NOW!!!" Outside, Emiril's eye exploded, the shockwave obliterating the tower. Skeletor called upon his havoc staff turning it into a flying dragon carrying the rest of the group out of the castle, leaving Mike and Tim alone on what was left of the tower.

"I miss home." Tim said. "I miss the shire" Mike said. "I miss the taste of strawberry creams." Tim said as he and Mike lay on the tower as lava poured around them from the tower's destroyed lava levy.

"Wrong fukin' movie a-holes!" a familiar voice said. "B-bishop!?" Mike said. As he and Tim gazed up at the heavens, they saw Bishop, not an angel, but something more than that. "I thought he couldn't be an angel." Tim said. "I am a saint." Bishop said. "Go figure, god felt I had done a good deed, and it helped b/c I knew his dad, Chuck Norris" "You and your jokes!" another voice said as Chaz and Keanu appeared from the clouds wailing on his enchanted axe. As he did so, an enourmous thing with wings appeared from the clouds, It was a flying hawk, flown by Gary Busey. Mike and Tim blacked out as they were both loaded onto the hawks and flown away just before the remains of the castle imploded into a black hole and then exploded again. "I thought they would die as martyrs" Bishop said. "No dude. That's my job and I alread did it twice, the whole messiah thing is my steeloh." keanu said as he and bishop followed the flying hawk into the sun rise.

Mike and Tim took a moment to breath. "I guess this foolishness is over."

"Can I go home to my mommy now?"

"Is she single?"

"Yes."

"Then by all means."

Then a laser flew by the eagle. "No, no, the script says its over!"

Mike and Tim looked behind them to see Bludgeon, now with a rocket pack, chasing after them. "Programmed to keep going, and going, and going!"

Mike realized it would never stop as long as he and Tim were together. he had only one choice. "Bye, tim!" With that, Mike pushed Tim off of the eagle. As he plummitted to certain death, Bludgeon dived down after him.

St. Bishop slapped Mike. "You **bleep**hole. How can you kill a kid?"

"What kid? He's some interdimensional being who likes to eff with us."

St. Bishop kicked Mike off the eagle. "See how you like it!"


* * * *


Mike was holding on to an intertube, adrift at sea, wondering if Tim really was a kid or not. He'd never know, and was fated to starve to death...



* * * *

Watching lava engulf the towns nearby, Tim watched in glee as Emeril's fate had unleashed his own agenda. Bludgeon stood beside him. "Good to have you back, sir. Emeril is no more. The seat for Lucky Earth is open, but these interloppers' of the other three rulers cause too much interference. They must be dealt with."

"I agree."

"There will be many opportunities to cash in on likeness rights."

"Yes. I think it is time the true ruler of time and space punishes those who fail to know their place!"

Bludgeon turns toward YOU. "You didn't think it would end that easy, did you?"






THE END...FOR NOW!