#7 - Lawsuit Wars! Part 1

[whatbombsatmidnite]

L A W S U I T W A R S !

Prologue - by SOCOMSoldier017

"Well what in the fuk!" Bishop yelled as he watched the conversation beteween Tim and bludgeon. "Well, I think in the near future we're going to need the help of everyone we can" a voice said. "But who god, who are we going to need?" "Them" a light appeared and in the light stood an enourmous amount of people. Keannu Reeves, cowboy Curtis, Chuck Norris, Bubba and the yin yang twins, Skeletor, Heyzeus, Tenacious D, Chaz, Gary Busey, Alan Thicke, Gandalf the White, Mr. Rogers, Billy Crystal, Jeezy the Genie, Jerry Garcia, Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, Ryu, Ken, E honda, batman, Jackie Chan, Indianna Jones, Evander Holyfield and Je.sus himself and many others. "We will need the help of all these brave souls." God said. "As for the lawsuits." Bishop asked. "All voided by yours truly." God said. The very very very final epic story battle is at hand.

*credits roll playing the Ultimate Showdown Song*

LAWSUIT WARS!

PT 1: (subtitle determined later)
By SOCOMSoldier017, RealFigments, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

A woman in a long, red trench coat sprinted down the esculator.
"Stop her!" yelled the very large man pursuing her. He had to push and old lady and a toddler out of the way to keep up.
"Hold it! What are you doing chasing her?!" yelled Jake rent-a-cop.
"I'm a cop, you idiot!" the man replied. "I'm Detective John Kimble!"
But it was too late, she was gone. "I'll get you Carmen Sandiego!"

* * * *

Michael Penn awoke to find himself washed up on the beaches of...
freddy was taking a stroll across the beach minding his own buisness, when he saw a man in a very nice suit washed up on the beach. freddy scratched his chin with his claws. after a minute or two he decide to go and see if the man was ok.
Freddy bent over and tapped the man on the chest.
"you ok bud?" he said in his harsh voice.
the man woke up blinking for a minute. after doing so he screamed and backed away into the ocean.
"What?" freddy asked looking around. the man, speechless for the moment, could only point to freddys claw. freddy looked down and noticed a hand stuck on his left claw. it was then the freddy screamed too.
ahhhhhhh!
Micheal penn awoke in his small bed, in his safe apartment in south everytown. Micheal shot up in his bed sweating.
"That is the last time I eat 20 spring rolls before I go to sleep."
Michael got out his bed and crossed the hallway into the bathroom - then backed up to see Tim Boy sitting on his couch. "Tim - you're alive?"
"No thanks to you. I thought you were a hero, Mike. I was wrong. Luckily, Bludgeon rescued me."
"But-"
Before their reunion could continue, a rip in space time opened in Mike's hallway. "For the love of sweet monkeys, NOT AGAIN!"
Out of the rip jumped a gorgeous long-haired brunette in a red trench coat. "I need to leave something with you." The mystery woman threw a briefcase at Mike, kissed him on the cheek, and jumped back through the closing time rip.
Tim looked at Mike. "That briefcase is mine!"
Just then, Mike's walls came crashing down and...
awoke again staring around hastily, finding he was in his apartment, again. Shooting up he felt his body and pintched himself in variuos places to ensure he was still awake. shrugging mike got out of his bed and into the bath room to go about morning activities: taking a shower, brushing his teeth, getting breakfast.
after getting dressed mike went to the mirror to check that his atire looked apropriat. Mike almost hit his head on the ceiling of his apartment. in his left hand was the suit case he had gotten in the dream. screaming, mike ran head long into the wall.
several hours latter he awoke. His head felt like it was about to split and the suit case was still in his hand. just then the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Is this Michael Penn?"
"Yes, it is. Is this Chaz?"
"No, I'm a cop, you idiot. I'm Detective John Kimble. I need to speak with you...soon. Meet me at the beach at eleven o' clock tonight. There's alot you need to know." With that, Detective Kimble hung up the phone. Mike, seeing his clock said 10:30 p.m decided to head down to the beach. As he arrived he saw a rather large, Austrian looking man wearing a sport coat and slacks. "Are you Detective Kimble?" Mike asked. "Negative, that name is merely a moniker, I was sent here to protect you. I was also sent here to aid you in the future war that follows." "You mean the lawsuit wars?" Mike asked. "Not only those wars, but the future war that decides the fate of mankind in the near future." With that, Detective Kimble took off his sport coat revealing a short sleeve shirt. "Hey man, I don't know you that well and I don't swing that way, by the way , you never told me who you wer-" Mike froze in horror as the man pulled out a switchblade from his trouser pockets. Mike grimaced in even more horror as he saw the man cut into his own arm all the way around, the man not grimacing, he didn't even appear to be breathing. "J.e.sus **bleep**!" Mike said as the man pulled the flesh, or whatever it was, away from his arm revealing a metallic arm. Tiny gears turned as the man flexed the arms fingers up and down. "I am not Detective Kimbel, I am a T-101 sent from the future to help you and your group stop or aid you in the war." "Wh....who sent you?" Mike stammered. "Who sent you from the future." The terminator looked at Mike stoikly. "You did."
* * * *
"God dammit!" Bludgeon yelled as he stormed down the hallway of his massive corporate complex building. The top of the building reaching into the stratosphere of Normal Earth. "They have the **bleep** Terminator!" "As if Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Tenacious D, and Je.s.us Ch.rist himself were'nt enough! He has the fuking Terminator!" "But sir, there is still one person they don't have." Tim replied. "Who did you have in mind?" asked Bludgeon. Tim lead Bludgeon down a corridor and into a room. Something in the middle of the room was covered in a tarp. Tim pulled back the Tarp as Bludgeon's food dribling jaw dropped. "FREEEDOOOM!" yelled the figure. "My god, you've got the one man who can single handedly turn the tides of this war." Jesse Jackson stepped down from the platform and shook Bludgeon's hand.

* * * *

"OK, I've seen the Terminator movies, k? That future had nothing to do with thieves and skeleton-transforming robots."
"I do not comprehend."
"See, I had a package delivered to me by my mailman Frank, in the nude no less, which exploded into a rip in space-time. Out of it jumped a small vomit-covered boy named Tim and a skeleton warrior named Bludgeon. Soon after, every frigg'n fictional character I know appeared and said it was up to me to save the four dimensions from an evil baker. We did, after a whole lot of craziness. Then I realized that Tim and Bludgeon were in fact working together, but as to what goal and how this relates to you I don't know."
[* (These events take place in Tales From [adultswim.com] #6 - Sworn to Go Along or The Last Stand of Emeril)]
"That I can explain. It started after I was programmed to save the four dimensions at any cost, secondary mission is to keep you alive."
"Gee thanks" Mike said.
"It all started of course when skynet went online in 1997. It became sentient and began to kill all the humans. It built us, the first infiltrator models. Living tissue over an exoskeleton. We were designed to look like a certain character named Skeletor. The man that built skynet was a person named Mile's Dyson. After skynet became sentient in 1997, he dissapeared. He apparently had been working on time and space travel. Creating wormholes working off of Stephen Hawking's theory. It wasn't until later that all his interdimensional travel transformed his physical being into a creature capapble of transforming into a robot samurai. He had conqoured many worlds and dimensions leaving his mark to have future events in those universes shape out in his favor. Many feared him as he bludgeoned his enemies to death. This earned him the name Bludgeon. He is single handedly responsible for destroying different universes and violating many inter dimensional travel laws. The last person to do this was Yu Law, killing his alternate selves making him stronger."
"you mean Jet li, from the movie the one." Mike said.
"Affirmative. Bludgeon has done the same thing. Except he killed all his alternate selves. He is the only one left. He has grown stronger since you last met him. No one, not even Chuck Norris and the group can manage to beat him. There is only one man. THE one."
"You mean Neo/KEanu?" Mike asked.

"Hell no." the machine said. "This man is Yu Law, the one. Jet Li. However aid will still need to be provided by your group."
The terminator had laid it all down.
"My god." Mike said. "So if we stop Bludgeon, then what?"
"Then all is returned to normal, events, people, everything." the machine responded.
"If we lose?" Mike asked.
"If we lose, it will be the end of existence. Space and time will collapse in on itself and explode outward, re-creating the universe."
"Je.su.s" Mike said.
"I am here to help, too, my son." a voice said from above.
A man sporting a beard and a robe descended from the clouds. Mike looked in utter amazement but somehow didn't look surprised.
"Heaven is gonna help out on this one." Je.bus said. "We must find a certain woman by the name of Carmen Sandiego for help traveling the dimensional rips. She has immunity to DNA altering that occasionally happens and can protect us and your group.
"My group?" Mike asked.
"Chuck Norris, Tenacious D, Cowboy Curtis, Angel Chaz, Angel Keanu, St. Bishop, Angel Gary Busey, Bubba Sparx and the twins, Zombie Heyzeus, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Jet Li, and Martin Luther King as well as many others are all being led by you to help stop bludgeon and his massive corporate army."
"Oh here we go again. So getting sued again!" Mike yelled as him and the Terminator ascended into the clouds to meet the group of heros for one last epic fight for existence.

When they got to heaven however they were met by much more than the afformentioned celebrities. "Welcome to the Holiday Inn, Heaven. Reservation?"
"Uh, we're here for a convention?" Mike said.
"Mike!"
Mike and the Terminator turned to see Glenn Greet. "Glenn? What are you doing here?"
"I was roped into all this goofy stuff everytime I go to Philly. Plus, Skeletor and I have some bad blood, but nothing serious."
"He broke up with you, didn't he?"
"F you. (laughs) **bleep**hole. The guys you seek are down this way."
As they walked down the hallway, they saw Johnny Carson macking some ladies, JFK macking some ladies, and Wilt Chamberlain playing Scrabble with James Doohan.
"Look, there's..."
"The old guy from the Karate Kid movies"
Mr. Miyagi was busy along with Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris teaching martial arts to a group of arch angel soldiers. Chuck Norris round house kicked one of them through the roof.
"And that is how to take a kick!" Norris commanded to the class.
He immideately walked over toward Mike and the terminator and J.ebus.
"Hey Jebus, Hey Mike nice to see you again. Whos this?"
"I am the t-101 Terminator model. I am here to aid you and the group for our plan to save existence."
"Sounds good, keep going through the hall and you'll meet the rest of the guys as well as some new faces." Norris said as he walked back over to teach class.
Mike, Jebus and the machine continued walking down the hallway, all the while passing celebrities and normal everyday folks. Mike saw his landlord from last year who died. He also saw The Great Sachamo singing what a wonderful world. He also saw Kurt Kobain strumming his guitar.
As they finally walked through the door Mike saw the gang again. Tenacious D, Cowboy Curtis, St. Bishop, Keanu, Gary Busey, Chaz, Bubba and the yin yang twins, Zombie Heyzeus. He also saw some new faces which surprised him. He saw Tupac and Bigige smalls who were jamming out w/ the twins and bubba, Tenacious D provided background music. He was also surprised to see the power rangers, Martin Luther King, and some asian man whom he couldn't make out who it was.
"Is that him?" Mike asked. "Is that Jet Li?"
"Affirmative." the machine answered.
Mike walked over and introduced himself.
"Hey Mr. Li, it's an honor to meet you."
"like wise...call me Jet though."
"Ok cool. I heard you're here to save the lot of us celebrities and losers, you are the one."
"Ah yes...it is true that I am the one, but I am not the one who will save us. It is you."
"What-" Before Mike could finish someone else walked into the room.....
"Master Fisto?!"
No one seemed phased by the appearence of the green skinned Jedi warrior. Kit Fisto's squid-like appearence and scaley dreadlocks ight have made him look meek, but as Bubba would say, he was a bad mutha.
"Hello, Mike. We have much work ahead of us."

* * * *

Back on Earth, trouble was brewing planet-wide. Small occurances, seemingly unrelated, were witnessed from Omaha to Bangladesh. Some people were even... Watching small isolated incidents of time going backward and then dissapearing. Space and time portals openeing and closing, some taking people to far away lands, others into outerspace to die of suffocation due to lack of oxygen and TV.

"It has begun." Bludgeon said. He looked over the city in his skyscraper. The building protected by a force field from any space or time tears.
Bludgeon turned to Tim-Boy. "The process goes well. Soon, all four dimensions will be one, and the merging itself will lay waste to any resistence we would have encountered. Cowboy Curtis, Chuck Norris, John McClane, Captain America, or even Shamu the whale couldn't stop us now!"
"I fear, though, that the time needed to complete this process leaves a window of opportunity for Shamu the whale to interfere."
Tim and Bludgeon looked at each other and let loose uproarious laughter.

* * * *

Children ran in fright as Shamu the whale fell out of the sky and destroyed Toys R Us. Shamu got up, and like a true pimp, brushed his shoulders off as he was joined by Jay Z. J.ebus immediately materialized down and briefed them on their mission.
"So this boy mike is da leader." Jay Z asked.
"yes my son."
"Aight J. C." Jaz Z said back.
"I'll help too." Shamu said as Jebus beamed them up into heaven and met with the rest of the group. Today was a day of planning and tactics as Mike's group of perilous heroes, pimps, icons, celebrities, and whales, planned on into the night.

On a hot summer morning, the first blow had been landed. Out of a space-time rip, a rabid Clifford, the big red dog, began terrorizing a small mid-west town. His bite fatal, his tail wagging destructive, his urine pugnant, the death toll esculated.
But Clifford was no match for Shamu. True, for the whale to fight he needed to be kept moist for several hours, aimed at his target, and then dropped from at least 500 feet in the air, but the dog could not defeat a plummeting killer whale.
Mike and the T-101 watched as thier commrades began aiding in relief efforts. "That wasn't too, bad, huh?"
"It it will become worse before it becomes better. I advise now that our training is complete and we have returned to Earth, that we choose a location for our base of operations and conjurn there - so I can tell UPS where to deliever my-"
A police car pulled up to the scene. "What's going on here, who are you guys?"
The T-101 spun around. "I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble!"
"I don't think so pal!" said the cop as he lifted his gun.
All of a sudden the cop convulsed and started to change!
"Agents!" Angel Neo yelled as he flew toward the figure, but stopped.
It wasn't an agent, but Bill Cosby!
"Well you see here today, I am here to help with the fightin' and the saviorin' and the bannana puddin'! Awww you know what I'm talkin' bout!!! DOOOOOHHH!"
"See, it's getting worse." St. Bishop said as the group made camp at an abandoned 7-11 ran by two rather peculiar fellows by the name of Dante Hicks and Randal.
Dante just sighed and complained and bit ched about the heroes drinking yoo-hoo. Randal got into many heated debates with Keanu and St Bishop about sentinels. But the two clerks seemed to embrace their new customers...er..guests...roommates.
"This group is getting too big. We attract attention and Bludgeon and Tim could easily take us all out at once."
"Yeah, with a giant...elephant bomb."
Mike looked to Kit Fisto. "Master Fisto, what do you think?"
"I think I had potential, more than just a cool action figure, and George Lucas let me get cut down by an old feeb."
"What about our team?"
"Oh, Sorry. I'd say you should take the T-101, Tenacious D, St Bishop, and Keanu and meet up with Skeletor's forces. I'll remain here with Zombie Heyzeus and coordinate while Chuck Norris, the yin yang twins, and Cowboy Curtis take the others to infiltrate one of Tim and Bludgeon's secret fortresses here - at the abandoned Surge plant."
"But what about Jet Li?" asked Mike."What is he gonna do, he is after all THE ONE"
"Taught him everything he knows." Keannu said while faking wailing on an air guitar.
"No Mike, you still do not understand, I am not the one to save us all, you a-" Jet was interrupted by Chuck.
"Alright let's move out Texas Rangers!"
"Wrong show bud." St Bishop said. "Been a while since I said that."
So the group headed off leaving Kit Fisto, Zombie Heyzeus, and the Clerks (as well as two potheads by the names of Jay and Silent Bob outside the store..always there.) remaining behind.
"The whole freakin' universe is against them dude, I swear to god." Jay said to Bob.
Keanu's team of St BIshop, Tenacious D, and the T-101 met up with Skeletor's forces. They were surprised to see skeletor had teamed up with Mr. Rogers, the Power Rangers, Je.bus, and Martin Luther King.
"We must meet with Mike and and Chuck's group at the Bludgeon's secret fortress." Skeletor said.
"We will have power! Let it ring. Ring over the rooftops and the mountains!" Dr. King stated.
All of a sudden a time portal ripped open as seven ginger kids hopped up on pop rocks and soda lunged at skeletor's group. Skeletor immediately hit the nearest kid with his havoc staff. The power rangers used their morphing skills and racial inuendo to keep the ginger kids off their feet. Keanu was going freaking berserk, flying through the air and kicking and punching kids in every direction. The T101 found the nearest kid and ripped his heart clean out. Tenacious D's shockwaves from their lyrical stylings and guitars shook the brains of the kids. Dr. King gave his passionate I have a dream speach, moving the ginger kids spiritualy, while they were distracted by that Skeletor blasted them all with his staff. The battle ended and the group headed out towards the abandoned surge factory.
* * * * * * *
"BLAST!! DAM HEROS!!" yelled Bludgeon as he paced about his office. "Ginger kids never were good for anything." "We always have...him." Tim replied as he pointed towards Johney thingyrin. "Ah yes...our ultimate weapon." Bludgeon cackled like a school girl as Tim watched him puzzled. "This guy is **bleep**." Tim thought. "Glad I'm on his side."
* * * * * * *
Skeletor's group finally met up with Mike and Chucks forces. They were all standing at the base of the surge factory. It loomed high into the stratosphere. "We have to go all the way up there!? Dam that is a long way!" Tenacious D complained. "We'll make it up." Jet replied as the group slowly but surely, headed towards the fortress. Suddenly, they were met by a group of velociraptors decked out in surge apparel. "Let's get em!" Chuck Norris exlaimed. Before anyone could move, Chuck Norris killed all eleven of the raptors by cutting off the tail of each one and strangling the others to death with it. "Wow, that was fast, but I don't think it is gonna get any easier." Mike said as they headed to the lobby of the surge building. "Bludgeons secret base is at the very top." The terminator said. The lobby doors closed behind them and another rift in time opened. Out of it came a very large bald headed one eyed version of gary coleman on crack. "Leave them to me!" Chuck said. But before he could react Jet Li extended his arm. "No, he is mine." With that, Jet proceeded to run towards the beast kicking its knee cap out having it falling toward the ground. Jet leaped onto the shoulder of the giant gary coleman and with one swift motion hooked kicked it across the face so fast and hard it snapped the beasts neck. Jet li jumped down from the beast as it was dead before it hit the ground. "It shouldn't be this easy...something is wrong." Mike said as they headed toward the second level of the factory. When the got to the foot of the stairs a rift opened and a blue flaming humanoid figure sporting a huge sword stepped forward blocking the groups way. "I am vergil of the demon dimension...I work for Bludgeon now, you shall not pass." "Not if we have anything to say about it!" Tenacious D members Jack and Kyle Black stepped forward, ready to rock. Before they could move or even blink, Vergil pulled out two swords and impaled the two members with them. The whole group recoiled in shock. "Noooooo!" Mike screamed as tears filled his eyes. He immediately charged toward Vergil so fast that no one else in the group noticed him move. Vergil watched in shock as Mike punched a hole through his chest. Mike proceeded to beat the crap out of Vergil until all that remained were ashes. Vergil couldn't even fight back. All of this happened before Jack and Kyle hit the floor. Mike immediately rushed to their side, everyone fixed on the two figures on the floor.
"You guys can't die!" Mike said.
"Sorry, Mike, this is the end for the D." the brothers said, bleeding all over the floor.
"You've got the gift kid. Just gotta...gotta....." And with that Tenacious D was no more.
"Come on Mike let's go." said Heyzeus. Mike didn't move. Chuck Norris walked over to Mike. "THEY'RE DEAD DO YOU UNDERSTAND! AND IF YOU DON'T WANT THEIR DEATHS TO BE MEANINGLESS I SUGGEST YOU COWBOY THE FUK UP! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!"
"Yes..sir." Mike stammered as he got up and joined the rest of the group.
"What happened to that ver-oh my god." The group looked to where vergil stood and saw the remains of an ever so awesome **bleep** whooping.
"That boy." Jet Li thought. "The prophecy is true. He is the one who will bring stability." Jet Li said.
"What's that, Li?" Cowboy Curtis asked.
"Nothing. Let's go." Jet Li said.
* * * * * * *
"So they're coming here?"
"Yes, Bludgeon, so I suggest you get ready, I know their plans."
"Ah I see, so THAT's who killed Emiril, he is the only one who can stop me no?"
"Yes sir."
"Well, we'll just have to dispose of his friends now won't we?"
Bludgeon and Angel Gary Busey exchanged smiles and shook hands. The group of perilous super heros and celebrities, had a traitor....

TO BE CONTINUED...

(END OF PART ONE)