#9 - Lawsuit Wars! Part 3

[whatbombsatmidnite]

LAWSUIT WARS!
PT 3 (Subtitle to be determined later)
By SOCOMSoldier017, Thiede, digitallove3, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

* * * *
Angel Gary Busey walked into the Quick Stop. "Master Fisto, Zombie Heyzeus! I know where everyone's gone!"
"Where?"
"To a Coldplay concert?" Randal asked.
Dante punched him in the shoulder.
"They were sent days into the future where..." Batman, Homer Simpson, Shaft and Bob marley magically appear. "ok listen **bleep** you all dead!" so the three of them beat the reamaing characters and use their heads as toliets. Of course Bob marley did not participate in the beatings but played "Iron Lion Zion" while they did it. After the four of them takes some bong hits oof Marley's super bud, Batman has a great idea. "Lets get some pizza and **bleep**! and beer and some acid.
It was all a dream. Batman looked around and dreamed the whole thing about him and his crew beat those guys up. He looks around and asks curtis, "what the hell is going on!?!"Carmen: "I have an urgent message, 200 years in the future almost the entire population will be wiped out by a bacterium that stops the process of birth 3 months into pregnancy".
Batman: "This...this can't be, I have to stop this, where did the bacterium first rear it's ugly head."
Carmen: "Where else could such a terrifying and deplorable pathogen grab its foothold but the single most wretched State in the Union: New Jersey."
Batman: "Of course, it all makes sense now. ALFRED! Ready the Batmobile, there is work to be done."
Skeletor, Mike, and Norris all looked at each other in awe.
Angel Keanu just smiled. "Dude, wasteland or not, we got Batman! Excellent!"
"Yes, but do you realize we are going to New jersy!? GOD d**nit that place is run by the mafia and has a terrible odor of dead bodies and toxic waste. Id rather chop off my balls and eat them then go there" exclaimed skeletor. "Fear not everone" Batman has a plan. Batman does a line of coke and starts dancing to some Rob Zombie music. The rest look at him. Waiting, waiting for a plan
"I've got it"! He exclaimed after 40 minutes of dancing. "We should all get more coke".
Mike whispered to Norris. "I think Batman's not gonna be a real contributor."
"But his car could come in handy."
DMX, Sparx, and the Yin Yang twins were busting moves with Batman, also determined to find more coke.
Jet Li, Liu Kang, and Kung Lao had entered meditation states, hoping an answer would come to them.
Carmen Sandiego was trying to avoid all of Keanu's lewd remarks.
St Bishop joined Mike and Norris. "When I was alive, I was quite the time traveller."
"We know."
"I've averted things like this before. The Sentinel army. The mutant plauge."
"Then how do we stop this?"
Bishop pondered this for a moment, then joined Batman and the others.
After 28 consecutive hours of "thinking of an idea" batman collapse and dies of coke over dose and exhuastion. Dmx grabs the rest of the coke and says "aigh listen up niggaas we gona crusie in the batmans whip cuz it got a sweet stereo and we can cruis all the way to jersy in it. First we gotta pimp it." They install rediculously sized rims on it and add several hi-def tvs. " ok party time" screams some random coke head scavanger who happend on to the rest of the group. They pile into the batmobile and drive away. not in the direction of new jersey.
"Ok well batman is dead...now what?" Randal asked.
The monks and Jet Li prayed with incense. They then later helped themselves to gatorade at the quick stop.
"Freaking moochers" Randal said.
"How are we going to undo all of this?" asked Norris.
"We simply have to travel through a special dimensional rift, once we get there we will meet the Time and space Adjunctor. He is a powerful being who controls space and time. We must fight him and win. Once we do we will then head back to where we left off last time and meet our past selves. We will then team up and destroy bludgeon." replied Bubba Sparxxx
"How the hell did you know that!?" asked the twins.
"I'm high as a mug right now man."
"We must find the special portal using this device." said Fisto. He pulled an etch a sketch from his robe.
"you gotta be fukin kidding me!" someone said from outside. It was Jay and Silent Bob. "We found this robot guy outside, silent bob reprogrammed him and it went haywire and disappeared through a random portal."
"That must have been how ole' lug nutz found us and warned us!" Mike said. "Thanks Bob!"
"No problem." Silent Bob replied, quickly being punched in the arm by Jay.
"Alright, let's set out and look for this portal and set everything back to normal right now!" Norris said.
"HUZZAH!" resounded the monks as they headed toward the wasteland a foot, looking. The etch a sketch showed a reading a couple of miles out. It led them to a Walmart, which looked to be in perfect condition.

* * * * * ** * * * * *
Mr and Mrs Brewster sat in their Escalade, trying to agree on the best way to overtake the Wal Mart. "I say we go with the Julia Roberts routine."
"That's old news. We need edge."
Then, the snobish couple saw the Batmobile speed through the front doors and crash in the Wal Mart.
"Let's try again tomorrow, shall we?"
* * * *
As customers scurried out of the monopolistic super store, all our heroes, including the 50 monks, got out of the Batmobile. "Very roomy." Keanu said.
"Ms Sandiego, can you locate the portal?"
"This way."
As the fight'n celebs ran up and down the aisle, the yin tang twins, sparx, and DMX accompanied the sprint with some beats.
Keanu grabbed some new shades.
Curtis grabbed some rope.
Skeletor grabbed an issue of GQ.
Carmen Sandiego led them to the entertainment section, then stopped cold. "It's here somewhere."
Minutes crept by, and yet, the portal remained undiscovered.
St Bishop was loading up on hunting rifles when he heard a hum...coming from the price checker. Then..it hit him...because someone swung it at him.
Finally, Carmen sat down. "I give up."
Just then, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 came on all the TVs. "oH, HE LL NO! I'm not watching this!" yelled Sparx as he threw a copy of Garbage Pail Kids the Movie at the screen. The TV exploded and a portal appeared.
"This must be it."
"Are we sure? These things haven't been very reliable lately."
"Only one way to be sure..." Mike said as he stepped through. Everyone followed suit, except a missing Bishop...
* * *
Bishop awoke to find himself tied up in Bludgeon's corporate office.
"What the fuk is this!" Bishop yelled
"This is you, trapped, what do you think it is?" Bludgeon replied.
A huge TV monitor was hanging from the ceiling. Bishop saw his friends enter through the portal. They then appeared in what looked like a fighting ring. Rectangular shaped with seats. The Monks sat in the stands while the other's lined up on the side.
"What's going on?" Bishop asked while squirming trying to get away.
"You're going to watch your friend Jet Li die." Bludgeon replied.

* * * * * *
"This must be where the space and time Adjunctor is located, Li said as the monks grabbed seats resting as the other celebs sat on the sidelines of the ring.
"This is the thunder dome!!" A voice said.
"Wrong, mo- hey where's bishop?" asked the Mike.
Everyone looked around.
"Bishop is in the hands of bludgeon, if you want to get to him one of you has to fight three of my chosen apprentices, then me." the voice said again. At the same moment a humanoid figure appeared from the cieling and landed in the center of the ring. Lighting cast a shadow over his features as he walked toward the group. Everyone gasped as to who they saw. "Welcome to the neighboorhood, I am the adjunctor." said Mr. Rogers. "Now, which one of you will it be."
"Me" Jet Li said as he stepped forward.
"So be it" Mr. Rogers said as he materialized into a booth above the arena. "The first contestant you will fight will be none other than, the Russian from the fourth Rocky Movie: Ivan Drago.
The russian appeared in the ring as Jet Li walked up to him. A bell sounded and the fight began. The boxer made some powerful swings as Jet Li bobbed and weaved. He then blocked the russian's hits and countered with a few well placed back fist to the face and neck of the towering boxer. This made the boxer angry and he lunged at Li, Li spun elbowed the boxer in the ribs, then the throat, and finally a well placed jump spin chop to the back of the neck brought the russian crashing down to his face.
"That was quick." Norris said. "He hasn't even broken a sweat."
"You're next challenger wil be Moglemorp, the spear master from the planet buckfutter."
"hahaah, buckfutter!" Said the twins as the next challenger appeared before Li. Moglemorp looked like a regular man, except he had a tail. He held a long iron spear. Jet Li picked up his traditional spear as the two then faced off. Moglemorp proved to be quite fast but not as effective as Jet Li was with his weapon. Jet li blocked and popped his opponent with a couple of hits from the non spear part of his weapon. Moglemorp got angry and broke his spear in half for more thrusting speed. He jabbed at Li and they both thrust for each other's throats. Li had the advantage seeing his spear was longer. Le then knocked the opponent off it's feet and held the spear at it's throat. The opponent dissappeared.
"He makes it look so easy! Way to go Jet, keep it up!" yelled Carmen.
"The last challenger is Bruce Lee, he will be wielding a sword, Li, a three sectional staff."
"BRUCE LEE!" Norris said. "He was my old coach!" Bruce Lee appeared with his katana, a three section staff appeared in Li's hands. The two bowed. And both took a fighting stance. Bruce lept forward with such speed it made Jet's eyes widen. Bruce swung for Li repeatedly while Li blocked with the staff and countered back, Bruce ducking and doging as well. Jet Li jumped back and straightened the staff nearly hitting bruce in the eye before he could knock it down. Jet li swung again as the staff wrapped around Bruce as bruce used his free hand to keep the other part from hitting him. The two swithced weapons and fought with those, then switched back. The fight ended in a stale mate as both opponents ended up with weapons at each other's throats. Both Jet and Bruce smiled and bowed at each other.
"A one minute break will follow then proceed to a bare hand fight to decide the winner, and the fate of the celebs."
Before Jet Li could get a drink, a shadowy figure switched cups. Jet sat down and drank from the switched cup, unaware. "Nice match li! Keep it up and we'll be out of here to stop Bludgeon in no time!"
Li smiled as the one minute break ended and Bruce and Jet walked toward the stage. The two bowed and then fought. Both countered and struck at each other with incredible swiftness. Bruce throwing Jet over his shoulder, Jet twisting in midair and popping a kick out into the face of Bruce. Jet landed and coughed. Something was wrong. As Bruce threw a flurry of punches Jet's vision became blurry, he managed to block all of them, as he blocked the last punch, Jet li threw up blood. Bruce lee backed away. "stop" he said, eyes wide, paniced. Bubba ran to Li and hauled him back to their corner. "What's wrong Li?" he asked. "He's been poisoned." Norris replied. "Who did it, I'll kill him!" Mike said as he tried to walk away, Li grabbing him. "No...it's my time."
"But we have to get you help." Mike said franticly
"Too late...poison is spreading. No chance." Li sputtered. "My only choice is to fight to my last breath, that's how I want to go, to take my last step." Jet Li got up and walked toward the stage, as did Bruce.
"STRIVE TO BE STRONGER!" Norris yelled raising his fist. The monks and everyone else chanted the same.
"Stop the fight now. Living on is more important than anything." Bruce said.
"Listen, my life is more than my own affair." Li replied.
"I'm not going to hold back." Bruce said.
"It would be an honor." Li replied back.
The two squared off. Li threw a kick as bruce blocked and threw one back, connecting hardly with Li. Li snuck around and put Bruce in a choke, coughing blood in the process. Bruce flung Li off of him as Li landed and struggled to get up. Everyone else watched helplessly. Li got back up and threw some punches, only one connected. Bruce threw kick after kick landing one sending Li backing up. Bruce then threw a hard punch into the chest of Li, li coughing up blood and backing up. Li, with all the strength he could muster, threw one back into the chest of Bruce. The same punch that killed the green giant. Li however pulled back, sparing his opponent. Bruce realized this as his eyes widened while Li stopped on his chest. Li looked up at bruce, blood covering his mouth, he smiled calmly, and fell backward onto the ground. The monks and Mike looked on,choking back tears.
"The winner is-" Mr rogers' was cut off by bruce.
"WAIT A SECOND!!!" Bruce said as he picked up the barely alive Jet Li.
"This man...is the victor!" Bruce said as Mike and the others came to keep Li from falling. Bruce bowing back. and materializing to another dimension.
"Mike, come here, I have something to give you." Li said.
"What...is it." Mike said.
"It's a medallion, it'll give you the same strenght as me if you want to defeat bludgeon."
"But what about you?" Mike asked.
"I'll keep my martial arts ability, you need this medallion to defeat bludgeon."
"I dont' think I can" Mike said.
"yes...you can. You've just...believe." And with those last words, Li was dead.
* * * *
"I got it!" Zombie Heyzeus exclaimed. He snapped his turtle beak and a portal opened. "Master Fisto, it's up to you. The tool to help them is a vehicle on the other side of that portal. Find it and you WILL save them."
Without hesitation, Kit Fisto leapt through the portal.
Using the distraction, Jay stuffed down some Hostess Ding Dongs.
* * * *
Mike faced Mr Fred Rogers. "We must go back in time and undo what Bludgeon has done. Will you hep us?"
"As adjunctor, it is my sworn duty to prevent the interference with the space time continum."
Curtis laughed. "Nice job so far. If you did your job, none of this would have happened."
"Don't make me angry, Morpheus. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
Norris stepped up. "Be careful, this doesn't seem right. I could've sworn I've dealt with him before...?"
*[see the legendary Tales From [adultswim.com] - Collaborative Story #1 and #4!]
Before things got messy, a portal opened and through it speed a DeLorean with Kit Fisto behind the wheel. "I think I may have found something of use!"
"I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS!" Shouted Mr Rogers as his skin turned green. "Exterminators, to me!"
A swarm of flying monkeys and rabid tribbles joined the morphing Mr Rogers.
They surrounded Mr. Fred Rodgers turning him into a giant green Mr. Rodgers monster.
"God dam!" Get em Li...oh wait said the twins as Mike punched them in the arm.
"We'll have to take this thing down before we leave! Teen titans go!" Norris yelled.
"WRONG FUKING SHOW!!" yelled a voice from above.
"Bishop!" Curtis yelled as bishop, Angels Tenacious D, and Angel Chaz descended into the room.
"Let's rock this giant stupid!" Tenacious D said as they unsheathed their enchanted Axes and wailed into oblivion. The guitar's waves knocked Mr. Rodgers aback while the Bubba and the Twins unloaded on the thing with their gats. Curtis/Morpheus pulled out one of the katana's from a weapons rack and cut the giants leg off.
"Oh..bloody hell." Kit fisto said as he force chocked the giant to death.
"You guys take too long!" Let's go.
With that, everyone, including the monks, hopped into the DeLorean as they sped through the portal.
"Hey! You'll never guess who we met up in heaven!" Tenacious Angel D said.
"Jet li?" asked Mike.
"How'd you know man!?"
"Just a hunch."
"Bishop, how'd you escape?"
"Because I said so, that's why. Now, to get where we're going, just enter June 6, 6 a.d. and we're on our way."
* * * *
Bishop, tied and gaggled, tried screaming as he watched his friends go through a portal with an imposter among them...
Bludgeon, Serpentor, and MummRa laughed. "That was too easy!"
Tim sat in a corner of the office, not joining in on the victory. "Fools. It will be harder than that to defeat those twits. And now that I've gotten Bludgeon to merge the four Earths, now I can set my plans in motion..."
..."As soon as the group of goons get's here, I'll just kill the impostor secretly, and once the group is done killing bludgeon, me and Gary Busey will assassinate the group one by one and make our own city. Tim city, I've already got the currency that I used to pay Busey to double cross his group. I've got to make sure they get here though, they'll only be stuck in June 6 6AD for about a minute."
Tim pulled from his jacket a device which controlled all the portals. He set the portal time in 6ad for one minute and set another portal to open at the surge factory.
*****
"Where...are we?" asked Mike. They were in a desert at night time, it was snowing. A huge light shined in the night sky. The group made their way through the desert and eventually came to a mainger.
"This isn't where I think it is...is it?" Skeletor asked.
In the mainger stood three king looking men, each holding gold, a woman, a baby, and a couple of sheep and another man.
The doppleganger Bishop revealed his true form which was a shadow warrior from Japan, sworn enemy of the monks.
"Time to kill." it thought as it rushed for Keannu.
"What shall we name this child...asked the man to the woman."
Keannu saw the warrior coming.
"Je.sus C.hrist! Look out!" he yelled.
"Who said that?" said the woman. She looked around, not seeing a thing for it was pitch black. "That's a perfect name." replied the man.
The shadow warrior was overcome by the monks. Them along with Liu Kang and Kung Lao, beat the warrior sensless and burried it in the snow.
"My god I think we've just made history." Curtis said as a portal opened to his left.
"Alright, everyone to the portal..now!" yelled Chuck.
The group ran through the portal and into the corporate office of the surge factory. Mike could feel something strange overcoming him, a sense of calm awareness, like he felt when Jet Li was around. He shrugged it off and entered through the portal.

* * * * * * * *
As they drove the DeLorean through the offices, walls no match for their aluminum frame, Mike spotted MummRa, Johnny Cochran and Jesse Jackson heading for an office door.
"They must've just split us all up!"
MummRa turned about. "How is this possible?!" As the raggidy creature began to reshape, Skeletor yelled: "I'll handle this!" And with that, Skeletor aimed his Havoc Staff with one hand...and threw Keanu at MummRa with the other. The surfing air guitarist knocked all three out cold. "Righteous!"
Everyone got out of the DeLorean. Kit Fisto ignited his green lightsaber. "This is it. No going back now."
Mike reached for the handle and opened the door...



TO BE CONCLUDED...

(END PART THREE)