#11 - In Space w/ Jay & Silent Bob/ Pittsville 1

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Saturday in Space with Jay and Silent Bob

or

The Pittsville Knights Make New Friends

By SOCOMSoldier017, Daemon Seedlet, xTraumax, SwingLife Away, ShroomMastaP, indyzephyr, Dealy Llama, ADD, SpringheelJack, countfrylock, VintageResurrection, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

Countless ages ago, a band of heroic men travelled the lands in search of Tim the Enchanter. Tim was known for cooking up a mad good foot-long wiener, and thus these men were looking for Tim to feast upon his spicy dog of hotness. Tim loved the attention his weiner gained, especially from the local ladies. One particular lady, Lady Staepli, enjoyed his weiner between two buns of her own.

Tim's life wasn't always so charming, not filled with as many weiners and buns. In fact, ten years previously, he wasn't yet an enchanter, but merely a towel boy for the jousters. It was on the festival grounds he learned the mythical powers of ‘ding-d0ng doodily doofikus’, from the patron enchanter from the land of Farfaniggle. Through his teachings of both enchantment and morals, the reader of his works would be granted untold powers never witnessed by human eyes...until that day…

Tim's new found abilities allowed him to stretch his weiner up to fifteen feet in length. This allowed him the ability to poke many a bun on a woman from behind the bushes unbeknownst to the women gettin' spanked. Though he began doing this in secrecy, and from afar, Tim one day poked a woman in the bun with his wiener out in the open in front of everyone. Afraid he would be jalied and stoned to death later on, Tim was surprised to find the woman thought it was amusing, and quite delightful. And at that, he began his legacy of bun poking in broad daylight, hence our heroes in search of his secret wiener of power and pleasure.

Enter Lord Caracto, lord of the lands of Pittsville. His wife had long ceased to show interest in her husband. Lord Caracto wanted to reclaim his wife's heart, and possibly the handmaiden's, and sought the powers Tim was said to possess. He assembled a team of knights to trek the distance between lands and learn these skills as to bring them back to Pittsville.

The knights were... All black. Dressed in psychadelic apparel toting shiny shoes and eye makeup. The most elite of these knights was Prince. The Artist formerly known as, an inside joke even his colleages seldom understood. There others were Simon, Marcus, and McDiddle.

A small man named Herbert Gobbleton, the kingdom's famed shoemaker, led the knights through the hazards of Raspa Forest, where our tale begins...with words...

"Well friends. It's time we depart on our journey to do something heroic and yada yada yada." McDiddle said.

Marcus smacked McDiddle. "Respect for the trek, son. If Lord Caracto insist we learn about roasting giant weiners, than so be it!"

Herbert pointed to the clearing. "Into the forest we must go. We need to clear it by nightfall."

"Why is that, old man?" Simon asked.

"There are foul, evil, dasterdly creatures afoot in those woods. Once, I heard they tried to make someone watch Jeopardy and get all of the questions correct, and when that man failed they killed him using sticks and hobos. It was not a pretty sight."

Said Simon, "Jeopardy, you say? Well, I find Alex Trebek to be very undignified for a Canadian of his generation."

McDiddle blinked. "I'm so confused. Who is Alex Trebek?"

Marcus grabbed him by the armor and pushed him into the forest. "You take point. Let's go. Like the old man says, let's get in and out."

* * * *

The RaspaForest looked like any other forest, complete with trees, leaves, squirrels, and rotting corpses. Everytime they encountered another fallen knight, McDiddle let out a high pitched scream.

"Stop that!" Simon yelled.

"Yeah, do as Simon says, okay?" Marcus added.

Then, the bushes up ahead rustled and out of them came a large unshaven man clad in nothing but what appeared to be a whole bear.

"Who the hell are you, buddy?!" McDiddle asked, his voice high and quavering.

The large man smiled. "Oh, I think I got lost someplace...unless you're the party of random pillagers I was supposed to join??"

Simon looked the tall form up and down and replied "What took you so long? We have to be in Gressing by morning!"

"Sorry. I got distracted by a wild boar." The man held up a hoof. "Hungry?"

McDiddle almost diddled in his armor.

Marcus tapped Simon on the shoulder and whispered "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Trust me, we need this guy."

They marched on, following Herbert through the woods. The bear man offered some boar hoof to Prince, who shook his head no. Bear man leaned down to McDiddle. "He doesn't talk much, does he?"

"No, not since that day in Nam'...landmine 69 is the story he tells. War Buddy killed by...A man who liked to eat meat....Yeah.. Meat.... But not the type with msg...no. It was just a regular meat eating man. With a cloven foot and a tu tu. He was called "wussy pony". He killed his friend and humiliated him. And then decided that maybe killing wasn't his bag, baby, so he became a pacifist.

Now how much good this will do everyone else...

Prince was just regarded as a friend to Marcus, a mentor to Simon, and a bigger idiot than McDiddle.

Herbert stopped whent hey encountered a fallen tree. He knelt down and inspected where it broke off from its stump. "We cannot linger here long."

"I hafta take a leak." McDiddle said.

"Maybe we should just camp here for the night?"

"No! We'll not survive the night!" Herbert decreed.

"Whatdya know, white boy?" Marcus said. "He got the big guy with us now. What could possibly go wrong?"

* * * * * *

That night, as they took turns standing guard, something in the woods was watching them, patiently watching them...

On McDiddle's watch, he shook Simon awake. "I think someone's watching us."

"Probably those blacksmiths we passed leaving Pittsville. They like knights, ya know."

"No, I don't. Huh?"

"Good night, McDiddle."

McDiddle was even more nervous. He thought he heard a rustling comings towards him, And then a fart.

"Nice one lunch box. Way to get us caught." said a loud mouthed rapscalian with long hair and a hat.

The other one just shrugged his shoulders. Behind them was a giant object wich appeared to be a ship. But not just any ship...it was...a warship.

"What in Samuel Jackson's name is that!! And who are you two!??" yelled Marcus.

"I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob. And behind us is a bad**bleep** klingon warship!"

"Demons!" McDiddle shouted as the group awoke and sprung to their feet, swords in hand.

"Where do you hail from?!"

"Jersey, where else?"

"Where is Jersey? Is it Scandanavian?"

Jay looked at Silent Bob. "I told you slingshott'n 'round the sun was a bad idea, tubby."

"Do you seek the great weiner man as well?"

"This one does, I sure as hell don't." Jay quickly replied.

"What kind of buggy is that green structure?"

"It's a spaceship, dude."

"'Space' ship?"

Jay and Silent Bob look at each other with big smiles. "Never been to outer space before, huh? Well, boys, do we got places to show you!"

"But we have been charged to seek out - "

"We'll have ya back playing with your weiners in no time, son. Hop aboard biatches."

The group entered up the walkway and into the ship. They were astonished to see many people in the ship. Most of them about a dozen, had furrows on their foreheads. There were others though that were similar to Jay and Bob. McDiddle walked over to two precarious fellows who toted what appeared to be instruments. Each one of them had regal looks on their faces.

"ROCK OOONN!!" the fat one with brown hair said. "We are..Tenacious D! I am Jack and this is my bro Kyle. Let's have a tour and info shall we!"

"Not you guys again! You're NOT supposed to be here!""

"What?" JB asked.

"You two always lead to trouble. If you show up, then that means some messed up crap'll go down and nothing'll make sense."

"Not true." KB said.

"You guys gotta go home."

Silent Bob looked at Jay. Jay caved.

"Fine. You guys can stay, but if we see one more of your buddies, this whole thing is over!"

As Simon walked up the boarding ramp, he asked "What kind of horse does this require?"

The Klingon Bird of Prey lifted off the ground and shot up through the atmosphere.

While Silent Bob piloted the space vessel, Jay gave a brief tour to the medieval knights who had joined them.

"This button activates the a$$ whoop'n. This one here makes some bomb booze."

"What's this one do?" McDiddle asked as he reaced for a blue one.

Silent Bob tried warning them but it was too late. As McDiddle pushed the button, Lights began flashing in the room of the ship. Strobe lights and thumping music filled the air as well as fog.

"That's the rave button you bunootch!" Jay said.

All the klingons pulled out glowsticks and extasy and started to wild it out.

In the midst of the party, a great ball of energy suddenly appeared in the middle of the dance floor. In a blink, the ball was gone, leaving a crouching, naked man in it's place. Everyone stared at the new party member, the ladies in particular, and as he rose to his feet, a stone-cold look on his face, they all new it was the Terminator.

suddenly, the terminator pulled a lamp, shade and all, out of his **bleep**, triumphantly holding the lamp over his head, "We've got to divert the river!" He screamed as he urged everyone toward the banks of a raging rapid.

JB grabbed KB by the shoulder and screamed to Jay. "Something's wrong with your ship, man! We're outta here!" Tenacious D climbed into an escape pod and jettisoned.

Jay looked at Bob. "I thought they were righteous and $hit, not little wussies."

Suddenly the pod turned around and crashed into the ship sending it away from the raging river and sending Tenacious D crashing throught the hole in the ship, which was instantly sealed by silly putty fashioned out of Klingon turds.

"I want to know exactly is going on, from a credible source." Prince yelled.

The Terminator walked over, stark naked, and began to tell a tale....a tale of wars, and lawsuits....And also of cabbages. Mostly no one was listening because they were either horrified by or fascinated with his shiny metal stapler sticking out of his ribcage.

"What is going on here?" Marcus demanded. "How is it that there was a rapid of water crashing about inside a space vessel in Earth's upper atmosphere? What's any of that got to do with Surge and a tank being and this man Norris?"

As the Terminator tried to compute the question and form a reasonable, rational answer - he malfunctioned and fell to the ground lifeless.

As the Knights worked together to drag the Terminator to the impacted escape pod and throw him inside with the unconscious Tenacious D, Jay and Silent Bob were at the controls.

"Come on, lunchbox, fix it!"

Bob made a fist and twirled it in the air.

"Don't get made at me you can't fly."

"That's it." Bob walked away and the vessel began to descend even steeper.

Jay tried to take control, but all he managed to do was start the Klingon rave again. The Klingon Bird of Prey crash landed on an alien planet...

* * * *

When Jay awoke, he found himself alone, far from the crash. He was laying in a bed of feathers atop a blue tree over looking a pink river. "Man, that was some good $hit."

"Looks like I have found a new slave..."

Jay turned about to see - Grace Jones!

* * * *

When Silent Bob awoke, he found himself upside down, hanging from a balcony of some sort.

"Woah, man, I'll get you down from there!"

Bob couldn't see his rescuer, but he sure could hear him. "Yeah, yeah, man, I'll get you down. man oh man, it's sure good to have someone else to talk to!"

Bob hit the ground. When he regained his balanced and composed himself, he was staring at - John Legazumo!

Bob gave John a look of utter disbelief, as if to say, "Why the hell were you in Spawn?"

John said, "Hey, there, man, don't you talk?! Because yeah, I've been wandering around just looking for someone to talk to, I have this HUGE bit of information I need to let someone know, it's about how I got here. You see, I was on the set of my new movie, The Pest 2, which, by the way, is off the hook, you know what I'm saying? It's gonna be great. So, like, I was rapping off camera with my man G-Stain when-"

* * * *

When McDiddle awoke he found himself in a strange room with foreign noises and clicks and whistles. Someone was screaming at him. "Can I take your order, sir?!?!"

* * * *

When Herbert awoke, he found himself naked in a tub, being sponged by three young maidens. 'An old man's dream.' he thought.


* * * *

Marcus, Simon, and Prince awoke to find themselves still on board the wrecked Bird of Prey. "What happened?"

Marcus saw that the ship itself seemed to still be in one piece, but given how alien the entire situation was, he knew not where to start. "I regret we may not be fullfilling our Lord's request after all."

"We need to find the others." Simon added.

Marcus opened the hatch and took a look outside. What he saw was ghastly. He saw what appeared to be giant erect equine thingys that had sprouted legs and were walking down the street greeting each other. "This is hideous!!!" Marcus said as he shut the hatch and and fell on his a$$.

Simon came out of the corridor holding three curved blades, Klingon baht lifs. "These Klingon fellows have excellent taste in weaponry, i must say." He handed one to Prince and one to Marcus. "I believe we may be on a far more important mission than the one we set out on, commrades. I say we embrace it!"

The other two just shrugged in agreement.

"Now...let's find the others!"

* * * *

"Hey lady, I'm nobodies slave!!!" Jay said as he got up.

"Oh young boy I have ways of making you do what I want" Grace Jones said as she pulled from her prada bag a sandwhich baggie full of joints.

"Doobie snacks!" Jay yelled as he punched Grace Jones in the face and took the bag. He jumped down from his loft of blue feathers, but instantly was aware that he was falling from atop a high tree. A mile up.

"Oh **bleep** this!" Jay said as he plummeted at incredible speed.

"I got it!" Jay pulled from his pocket the doobie snack joints and blazed one up. After smoking only two puffs he began floating as ambient reggae music mixed in with Morse Day and the Time filled the air along with the bud. After about a minute Jay landed on soft ground.

"Man that sh1t was the bomb yo...booooooooooooong!"

Jay looked around him and saw a house with a balcony. He immediately saw (but felt him before) Silent Bob and some other dude running his mouth.

"Hey lunch box!!!" Jay yelled "Where the hell are we!"

Before he could get an answer, Grace Jones gripped Jay in a head lock. "Do ya find me sexy, Jay Jay?"

"No!"

"Too bad. What's mine is mine." The amazon dragged Jay back to her cave, but not before Bob and John saw from a distance.

* * * *

"Sir? If you're not going to order anything, please let the people behind you go ahead."

"Yeah, my kids are starving, butthead!"

McDiddle backed away as a mother and her three children approached the counter.

"Welcome to McDonald's. What can I get ya?"

McDiddle let out a bloodcurling scream at the uttering of the store's name. He then turned about and ran into the door - then feel to the ground and passed out.

He dreamt of a hairy woman named Gertrude playing a lute with her toes.

She reminded him of the fat housewife that he saw at McDonalds before he passed out. He woke up and proceeded to the exit . . . . slipping in a big mac . . . . . .

As if one cue, the big bearskin wearing brawler came charging into the McDonald's and slung McDiddle over his shoulder. "Time to go, son."

* * * *

Silent Bob and John Leguzamo were hiking towards the hill where they witnessed Grace Jones tackle Jay...

Silent Bob looked at John in a look that said "We gotta do something!!"

"Aigh Carumba!" John yelled. "Time to get down n' dirty."

Sporting a mafia suit and a handgun from his movie Carlito's Way, and Bob...well...sporting a trench coat and a$$ kickery, set off to go and get Grace Jones.

* * * * *

"Let go of me you d**e!!!" Jay yelled as Grace Jones flung him to the feet of an unkown man.

"Hey! You better watch your tone. Don't like the way your talking. Talk like that again and I'll stab you in the face with a saldering iron." said the man.

"Oh sh1t it's the guy from the weapon of choice video by Fatboy Slim...that was the bomb yo!" Jay said as he came face to face with none other than Christopher Walken.

Christopher Walken touches jay's hand and see's nothing but man porn so, he asks Silent Bob for The access codes.

Silent Bob shrugs his shoulders in a wtf kind of fashion.

"Don't play games with me...we all know you and your gang of super heros, celebrities, and that awesome band Tenacious D stopped all that bad stuff from happening using space time portals. Give me the access codes to them...or I'll have Grace Jones here squeeze you in between her thighs."

"Chick may be ugly, but gotta do what you gotta do." Jay said as he made his way to Grace.

"What the hellz is going on here you guys!" John Leguizamo asked.

* * * *

Herbert had wandered back to the ship when he realized that his sponge bath was actually a hallucination, and he was actually sitting in a puddle being licked by three deer. When he entered the Klingon Bird of Prey, he noticed the ship was empty. Now, Herbert was a simple man from a simple time, but he knew the flashing button on the console could not be good. On a tiny screen next to it were displayed the words HOMING SIGNAL. Herbert had a feeling that their arrival had been noticed by others.

Three Klingons walked up behind him. He didn't know if the understood him or not but he didn't care. "We need to get off this place."

* * * * *

The bearskin brawler returned McDiddle to Marcus, Simon, and Prince, who had gathered at the bottom of a small hill. "Our new friends are being held captive above. "

"By what? Angry villagers? Dragon?"

"Grace Jones and Christopher Walken."

Everyone stood silent and unphased.

"I know not of them, either. But this Walken may be a sorceror, so we must be prepared. Knights, charge!"

Walken moved to the ledge. "You hear something?"

Grace Jones sniffed the air. "No."

Walken looked down the hill to see five men trying to climb up the rocky side. "Hello there!"

The knights froze.

"Can I help you gentlemen?"

"No, we're fine, thank you!"

"Very well then." Walken turned around and made a nod with his head to Grace Jones.

Grace Jones picked up a morbidly obese Michael Moore (which Walken had magically spawned), and hurled it down the cliff at the knights.

"Balderdash!" yelled McDiddle

"IT"S ALL YOUR FAULT GEORGE BUSH!!!" Michael Moore yelled as he plummetted toward his much awaited death.

Using this as a distraction, Silent Bob seized the day and grabbed Jay and headed down the other side of the mountain.

Before Grace Jones could intercept, John Legizamo blocked her path. "Come on, sweetness, talk to John, not Jay. I got the flavor you need."

Grace lifted him up above her head and ripped him in half.

Walken smiled wickidly. "Nicely done, if I say so myself - now, let's get them , shall we?"

"Ah sh1t they killed the Pest. I liked that guy!" Jay yelled.

Silent Bob gave Jay a "What are you....gay?" kind of look.

"Shut the **bleep** up! No more than I love your fat a$$!"

"Hey big....black...dude...Count the shells su<k a duck!"

Jay pulled an uzi out from his trench coat and unloaded at Grace Jones and Walken....not hitting a **bleep** thing.

"Nice shot cracker jack!" Walken said

Jay and Silent Bob had hit a dead end, and Walken and Grace were right behind them.

"Your mine, now, Jay Jay." Grace said in sing song.

"And Bob, I guess, you could say, you'll be singing soprano, if you catch my drift." Walken said, holding a pen knife.

"Forget something?!"

Walken and Grace turned around to see the knights and the bear skin man holding Michael Moore above his head.

"That dude's gotta be on ‘roids." Jay whispered to bob.

Bearskin rolled Moore towards them and watched as he collided with Walken and Grace.

"Jenga!" McDiddle yelled.

The knights and Jay and Bob looked down at their pinned aggressors. "Not how I'd like to go out, Max Shrek."

(weezing) "Oh, this isn't over yet, my little friend." Walken tries to roll Moore off of him. He doesn't budge.

A loud thunderclap-like sound signaled the landing of the Klingon bird of prey behind them. Herbery lowered the boarding ramp. "Let's go home boys..."

Just then Dracula and the Wolfman burst though the wall and attacked jay and silent bob.

Quite possibly the most ingenious literary twist since a chapter's worth of writing describing Ulysses shaving, Dracula grabbed Jay and bit into his neck.

The knights ran toward the universal monsters sporting silver crucifixs, garlic, butter and shrimp. The monsters ran back into the hills, but the damage was done.

Jay stood up and wiped off his neck. He touched the tip of his teeth with his tounge and smiled. "Dude, sweet! i'm a f uc king vampire, yo!"

Silent Bob rolled his eyes.

"We must leave before something else goes awry!" Herbert yelled.

"The curse-ed one must not board!" Marcus decreed.

"It's my boat, rumplestillskin!"

"But you will slaughter us!" Simon yelled.

"No way man, I got a list of people who deserve it, trust me. Just get us back to Earth."

Reluctently, they all boarded and took off while Walken shook his free fist in the air. "I'll get you Jay and Silent Bob!"

* * * *

"So what about our journey!!? Our Quest?" asked McDiddle.

"Well, since we're headed back to our homeland, we can continue." Marcus said

"I'm totally gonna get the people on this list!" Jay said as he pulled out a huge scroll unraveling the entire length of the ship.

"This will take some time." Bearskin said.

Bob looked at Jay in a "Ok...who's first" kind of look.....

Jay and Bob waved goodbye to their new friends as the knights journeyed back into the woods of a time long ago.

The knights watched as the Klingon Bird of Prey took off into the sky. "They were exceptional fellows." Marcus said.

"Now can we go get the weiner magic?" Prince asked.

* * * *

Ted Danson heard a knock at his door. he grabbed his cane and hobbled to it. When he swung open the door, he saw a dirty blond kid smiling. "Yes?"

"It's payback time, byatch!" Jay screamed as he bit into Ted Danson.

Silent Bob, sitting out on curb out front, scratched the name off the list. "This is gonna take awhile..."



THE END