#12 - Future Shock in Obtuse Valley / Pittsville 2

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Future Shock in Obtuse Valley

or

The Pittsville Knights Disband

By TheKillerDynamo, SOCOMSoldier017, hippie stoner chick, countfrylock, VintageResurrection, PallWall, Invida, DoJack, NobodysFool, monkeylady, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

The Knights of Pittsvile, on behest of their lord, Lord Caracto, had been charged with a most important quest. They were to travel to the lands around Farfaniggle to find Tim the Enchanter. But Marcus, Simon, Prince and McDiddle, along with their guide Herbert Gobbleton and their bodyguard, the Bearskin Brawler, had gone on a sidetrip adventure through space.



Upon their return to the RaspaForest, they found danger afoot, in the form of giant grandma thunder pants! oh nose! were attacking throughout the land of Farfaniggle! They were shooting deadly green stripped ducks through their eyeballs. Tim the enchanter, in his rainbow hat and his Beatles t-shirt and joint dangling from his lips, ran up to knights. he said "whooooa, man, there’s been like, a kidnapping, dudes....."

"But we came here to learn from you!" Simon said.

"We need to know of your weiner skills, mm hmm." Prince added.

"I will most definately teach you all that I know, okay, but you must, like, free them!" Tim demanded.

"Who?" Marcus asked.

"Lady Staepli and her daughter, Mieka!"

"Are they fair maidens?" Herbert asked.

"They are most fair indeed, dirty old man!" Tim answered. "But they are both like totally spoken for!"

"Who has taken them?" Simon asked.

McDiddle did his best to stay calm as chaos surrounded him, the village burning, people screaming.

"Yes, who has taken them?" Marcus asked.

"They were carried out of here by a rather large black man woman and a frivilous looking fellow who had a cantankerous walk and a sense of coolness about him. Boy he could talk some sh1t.”



"Grace Jones and That Walken dude!" Jay yelled from outside whilst finishing **bleep** the blood from a boy simply named SteelMagnoliaFan123.

Jay and Silent Bob were somewhere in Shermer, Illionois, where Jay, now a vampire due to a surprise attack by Dracula, was hunting down some of the people who he felt deserved some undead payback. "They went after the knights? Why?"

Bob shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, we left our phat Klingon Bird of Prey in Jersey and we ain't making it back in time to help them. You think they'll be okay?"

Bob shrugged his shoulders again.

* * * *

Back in Medieval Times, the knights had set out to once again defeat Christopher Walken and Grace Jones. After one step, a naked black guy fell from the sky,

"Holy Crap!" all of the knights said, except for Sir Lifenigginisticson who was listening to "Orca Whale Classic Vinyl" on his iPod.

the naked black guy was samuel l.jackson

"yo can i was here to destroy some knight and kick some **bleep** while waiting for another movie" jackson said.

"Goodness, are you all right, sir?" Herbert asked.

"**bleep** yeah, I'm all right, mutha **bleep**a! I'm Sam **bleep**ing Jackson!"

"Do you know Grace Jones?" Simon said.

"Do I know her? **bleep** bested me at every chance she could get save one: acting. Since forever, that crazy **bleep** has tried to **bleep**ing kill me!"

"Will you help us stop her?" Marcus asked.

"**bleep** yeah! Let's do this!"



just then kang and kudos were hovering above earth in there spaceship when they spotted jay and silent bob with one of there invisible earth cams

"those two humans would make for a excellent show,. kudos said."

"now send down the mecha monster to capture them both,' kang said."

"thats when a gigantic robot version of frankensteins monster slumped out of a chamber within the ship and put into a large capsule which was dropped down to earth"

* * * *

Meanwhile, back in Medieval Times, the Knights, now joined by Samuel L Jackson, had made it to the town of Gressing where they hoped to uncover the whereabouts of Christopher Walken and Grace Jones.

"...so Lord Caracto told us to find this Tim so he, too, could improve his weiner skills and serve juicy hot weiners to his lady." McDiddle explained to Sam Jackson.

"Boy, you're really **bleep**ing naive, ya know that?"

Just then -The Zombies Attacked!!!!!

Thats When Samuel L. Jackson Drank Some Poop Cola and, fortunately the attack was on a small secluded island, the whereabouts not officially known, though believed to be nearby, if not on the island of the famous "JurassicPark" incidents...

That's when a Tyrannosaurus came by and drank some Samuel Jackson Beer making it drunk and wanting to find plump dinosaurs to chase.

As the dinosaur threat subsided for now, the group consulted each other. "I think that whatever device Walken used to travel back to our time, he also used to go back farther and aquire these monstrosities." Marcus guessed.

"Which means Walken could have armed himself with a virtual army of unknown evildoers." Simon said.

"Just get me close enough to Walken's machine and I'll **bleep**ing beat the **bleep** out of the god **bleep** thing!"

"Guys, guys!" Prince came walking up the hill with a raven-haired maiden in his arms. "This wench saw where they went!"

The gang of knights and the irrate black man jackson hauled **bleep** through the woods and to the wench's house. Sam Jackson hopped atop the wench and gave her a banging the likes of which the knights had never seen.

Prince took notes. "Maybe we should forget Tim and take this guy back to lord Caracto.”

A Table few from the sky and it had a pitcher of ice tea on it

Sam drank the ice tea after he was done pumping the wench for imformation. "They went into ObtuseValley. I bet it's a **bleep**ing trap."

"Indeed. Bearskin, you and Sam will stay here and protect the village." Simon said.

"But we'll need them in the valley, won't we?" McDiddle asked.

"We'll be fine. We have fate on our side." Marcus said.

* * * *

Meanwhile, back in 2006...

Vampire Jay and Silent Bob walked down to a park with an open clearing.

Two guys were hanging out watching them pass. "There he goes. Homeboy **bleep**ed a martian once."

"No way!" his friend exclaimed.

"Yes, way. He and the quiet one have a space ship."

"Bull **bleep**."

Then, out of thin air, a door appeared and Jay and Bob climbed up into it and vanished. Then a forceful gust of wind knocked the two down.

Once through the door, after the wind had blown Jay's head sideways, they found themself in tiny puple bicycle shorts at LakeCatchafishee.

"I say" one of the knights said "Is this the famous lakeCatchafishee". Mc Diddle Answered "And why are we in this tight yet, Fashionable Bicycle pants?". They all shrugged and took a break at the lake but then.....Tim The Enchanter saw his old Enemy.....THE WHITE RABBIT! Tim shouted to the rest of the knights "GET THAT RABBIT! ITS GOT A KILLING STREAK A MILE WIDE!". A Few Unnamed Knights who will never appear again in the story charged the Rabbit but they all got their heads chopped off by It teeth. Tim said "**bleep**! We don't have a Holy Hand Grenade what will we do." Mc Diddle Thought of a plan and it was.....

to look up and ask Jay and Bob for some help. "jay?!"

"Next time, I'm flying this thing." Jay said as their Klingon Bird of Prey decloaked above the knights who had stumbled upon some mishap on the way to Obtuse valley. "McDiddle, is that you?"

"Yes, it is! You remember!"

"We saw youse guys yesterday, we ain't that high."

"Can you kill the rabbit with anything you have on board?" Simon asked.

"We'll check. Hell Yeahs, We gots this" Jay said after he pulled out a Bong Bomb from yheir short stint on the Bluntman and Chronic Movie Set.

"Not So Fast!" said the rabbit as it morphed into Joan Rivers. "I only feed on those who deserve death by rabbit."

"And how is that determined?"

"By seeing who can toke the most sticky icky!" Joan rivers said.

Jay stepped forward, but was immediately stopped by Silent Bob, who gave him "I got this" look.

"Man lunch boxy, you fuk this up I'll put my fist in your A$$!"

Vampire Jay and the knights stood in silence as Silent Bob and Joan Rivers had a toke off. It lasted six hours, in which time the Knights discussed the works of Plato and Jay fed on several amputated children that looked like oompa loompas. When all was said and done, Joan Rivers had not only been disgraced, but dismembered and served to the villagers as a sacred feast.

The group, now once again armed with the firepower of Jay and Bob's Klingon Bird of Prey, made it to ObtuseValley. While searching through ObtuseValley for supplies, they found Tim The Enchanter’s Long Lost Brother, whose name was Carl The Alchemist. They Gave each other a hug since they have not seen each other since they were 8. Then Carl said “Where's my money"

“I don't got it" he said

"But I do!" said Steven Colbert, who just happened to be passing by on his vacation to the middle-ages. Colbert Struck A Heroic Pose. "Here… Here’s The 15 Dollars...But Remember Give me back my 400 dollars for that 15."

Tim was Confused. He then said "But that doesnt even the..." He was Interuppted by Steven.

"Don't Worry The Truthiness will lead the way." Steven Ran Away.

Tim Then Said..." I...." Then Suddenly a flash of light came and a Delorean covered in frost ran him over.

A Short Fellow Came Out Of The Car "Hey Guys? Have ya seen Doc?"

The Grabbed A Tomato And Threw It At A Pig Angering It and Making It Attack Across All Of The Villages Tim Yelled "FOOL! YOU HAVE PUT THE CURSE OF THE EVIL PIG THROUGHOUT THE LAND!!!" The short fellow then chuckled "That was just a pig dude." Then...The other door opened up and Derek Zoolander came out.

"Hey," said DZ, "Have you Thrown a tomato at a Pig? Because in the future That Pig is the Dictator of the world and it has enslaved everyone. I am supposed to kill the person who did it."

Carl and Tim Pointed at the short fellow. Then DerekUnleashed his plasma cannon and was about to blast them. But he was stopped by a blinding white light.

Then, J.esus emerged and said with a look of vengence in his eyes, "Are we too late for the party".

"We"? DZ asked.

Then, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appeared behind the J man and proclaimed....

"Of Course! It's Hooper Day. The Day We Remember The Death Of Mr. Hooper" A Tear went down Gee Whizs eye. "Anyone Want any Mr. Hooper & Big Bird Shaped Cake?" **bleep** Asked with his famous smile? The Group Then Said....



The knights awoke from their dream, they were still where they had started the day they met to go out on their quest.

"Did that all really happen?" asked Marcus.

"I don't even know yo...." said a voice....

"That was heavy," said one of the knights, who secretly was Marty McFly but in armor,

"That was just retarded," said Michelangelo. "Almost as retarted as the Andy Milonokis Show".

Suddenly, the knights, Derek, Colbert, Gee Whiz, the TMNT, and everyone else in this **bleep** story hurd a thunderous roar.

Then, out sprang the most ugly, vile, horrifying creature ever spawned from the depths of New Jersey....it was Rosie O'Donnel. "It's Hideous!!!" said Michealangelo

"We have to fight it !!!"

"Wait," said Rosie O' Donnel as she tore at her face to reveal it was a disguise. It was really Lil' John. "Let's get crunk!"

As the Ninja Turtles, Zoolander, and Marty McFly poised themselves for battle, Simon caught a glimpse of Grace Jones at the mouth of a cave. "There they are, guys!"

The knights, the bearskin brawler, and Sam Jackson ran into the cave while the turtles and co. fought their new enemy and Jay and Bob, back on board their Klingon Bird of Prey, were circling over heard, making potshots as what seemed to be a multiplying Lil John.

Marcus led them down into the cavern. "Walken is a man of many talents. Be prepared for anything."

"Welcome to your death, said the spider to the fly." Walken's voice echoed throughout the cavern.

Suddenly the cave shook and several large figures fell to the ground. They were seven of them all sporting what appeared to be bike helmets that resembled different animals and they each had different colored uniforms. There were red, yellow, pink, blue, black, white, and green.

"It's morphin' time!!!" the red one yelled!....

"Walken's got the mutha **bleep**'n Power Rangers! **bleep**, we're toast now." Sam Jackson admitted.

The knights drew their swords in anticipation of battle.

"Yes - yes, you are." Began the red ranger as he did some back flips.

"For although we were abandoned on Endor-" added the yellow ranger.

"Walken found us and rescued us from the Ewoks" *!* the blue ranger explained.

The knights looked to each other, anxious to fight.

"And now, while our toys' sales sink" the black ranger began as he kicked the air.

"We can still dish out some ninja action." said the pink ranger as she did a handstand.

"We're better than the those Turtles!" the white ranger claimed., swinging his sword.

Marcus and Simon glanced at each other, then ran at the red and blue rangers and hacked them to pieces before they could finish their impressive pre-battle moves.

The bearskin Brawler and Prince also attacked the white and yellow rangers, brawler pulling the white ranger's arms out of their sockets like frigg'n Chewbacca.

McDiddle slapped the hell out of the pink ranger, abnd Sam Jackson beat the black ranger to death with his own shoe.

Everyone turned to the green ranger who in turn said "I'm not with them."

"Oh you isn't huh motha fuka! What set you in homie!!!" Sam Jackson spat as he put his bloodstained shoe back on.

"Those rangers were fake. Dopplegangers, carbon copies of evil created by Walken." The green ranger said. "Us real rangers were picked up on Endor by Walken, but he made copies and threw us in a dungeon. I was the only one left to escape, I killed the copy of myself and pretended to be evil."

"Thats quite a tale, I take it you will need our help!" McDiddle said.

"AND OURS!!!" yelled another voice.

Suddenly, a burst of blue light appeared in the room. Out walked an asian fellow with a bandana, another asian fellow, similar looking followed, sporting a hat with a razor edge blade on the rim. A dozen others dressed in robe like garb appeared through the portal after them. Another fellow came throug wearing a straw hat, electricity adoning his body.

"I am Liu Kang"

"I am Kung Lao"

"I am Raiden."

"You mean the gay guy from Metal Gear Solid 2?" the green ranger asked

"I don't think so..." Raiden said, electricity filling his eye sockets.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!!!!!!" they yelled simultaneously

" Mylanta!" said Tattoo, the little midget in the corner no one had paid any attention to. "Mr Walken will hear you."

"Good!" Marcus shouted. "I'm tired of this man's troublemaking. He hath captured the Lady Staepli and her daughter, and we will see them returned. Let's go!"

As they were about to exit the cavern into the chamber it emptied out into, Sam stopped. "Wait. This smells funny."

McDiddle fiddled with his pants.

Sam grabbed Tattoo and tossed the dwarf into the chamber. And then it exploded.

"Great insight, Sir Jackson!" Simon then led them into the chamber, only to find awaiting them was Lando Calarissian and Guido, both chained to the wall alongside Lady Staepli and her daughter. Walken was on a man made balcony overlooking the chamber. "Greetings, ...young warriors. I hope...you enjoy the festivities." He clapped his hands and Grace Jones led a marching band of accordian-toting accountants, all of them rabid at the mouth and armed with battle axes. They polka-ed their way towards the Knights and co.

"To die in battle is the only way for a knight to die." Simon said.

"Huzzah!" They all exclaimed as the battle commenced.

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! Blared from the speakers as the anthem to one of the coolest campy movies filled the air as the battle raged. Christopher Walken flash danced on his balcony.

The scattered fights littered the chamber like ants at a picnic. Marcus and Simon were fairing okay against the polka warriors, Prince and Kung Lao seemed to have an advantage. And of course, McDiddle and Herbert Gobbleton seemed to find running the best strategy.

Simon looked over at Sam Jackson and the Bearskin Brawler. "Wait - didn't I tell you two to stay behind and protect the village?"

Sam took one accountant and beat his head in with his own accordian. "What the **bleep** about it?"

"Who's guarding the village?"







The village was burnt to the ground and children played in its ash.







The green ranger was hacking away at his advesaries along with Liu Kang. Marcus made a dash for the imprisoned Lando, Guido, Lady Staepli, and her daughter Mieka, but was blocked by Grace Jones.

Suddenly in a flash of smoke and light!

"Hey, Man, Don't Fight!" said Tommy Chong, who was with the knights in spirit.

"Find the money, man..."

As Prince did what he could to protect the spirit of Tommy Chong, the green ranger saw Marcus had faced off with Grace Jones. A chance at redemption. He thought. He jumped in front of Marcus and attacked her. "This is mine." Their swords clashed and their duel carried across the chamber.



Simon saw that Walken was retreating from the balcony into the mountain. "We must stop that devil!" Simon said as he, Marcus, McDiddle, and Prince hurried after him.



Sam Jackson and the Bearskin Brawler, dropping polka accountant warriors like flys, were competeing with each other. "34 - 35 - 36 "

"58 - 59 - 70."



Herbert Gobbleton punched Tim the enchanter in his ribcage. "If you're gonna follow us around, the least you can do is enchant something or other, be of use, will ya?"

"I like, uh, I'm not - I'm a fraud, okay?"



The green ranger kicked off the chamber wall and introduced his foot to Grace Jones' face - several times. She was not wearing down any.

* * * *

The Knights found Walken at a control panel. "Stop right there, fiend!"

"Fiend? Hardly. I'd say...more like genius!" Walken activated the controls and- Out from the ground sprang three armed men in suits with glasses. Each looking identical.

Tim the enchanter came in after them and looked at the suited men. "Like...woah!!!" he said.

"It's you." One of the suited men said. "Mr. Anderson welcome back...we missed you." Tim reached for his own face and peeled back a mask revealing none other than Keannu Reeves.

"I AM AN FBI AGENT!!!!" Keannu yelled.

"For some reason...that seemed, out of context." Marcus thought.

"WRONG FUKING MOVIE!!!" A voice from above yelled. A big black dude with a pony tail. Bishop, mutant tracker.

"None of this makes any sense." Simon said.

The mountain shook as an explosion tore open a hole in the wall. Outside hovered Jay and Bob's Klingon Bird of Prey. "We called in the cavalry!"

As Keanu and Bishop took on the agents, Walken dashed down a hallway, laughing maniaclly. The knights followed.

* * * *

The green ranger was growing weak, and Grace Jones didn't seemed phased at all. He was running out of moves. Then, he spotted someone behind her and got an idea. He began moonwalking - confusing the amazonian long enough for Sam Jackson to steal her sword and slice her up the middle. "**bleep**'n Sleep on that, **bleep**!"

* * * *

The knights entered what seemed to be a industrialized abyss of machines of alien design. "What manner of madness is this?"

"The only kind!" Walken exclaimed as he dropped from the ceiling like a bat, knocking all fours knights out with a fighting prowess unheard of in an actor his age. "I have to admit - for a bunch of medieval heroes, you're a bunch of fairies."

"Shut your mouth!" Marcus said getting up and swinging at Walken, missing.

"Hey! Your talking in the wrong tone, talk like that again, and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron!"

marcus glared at walken, with a cheshire grin ear to ear............and as his lips curled and eyebrows lifted walken could see the maniac behind those eyes...................walken realizing what he had just provoked stepped back wishing for some sort of out to the predicament. walken raised his hands in defense as he said, "you know i uh......i didn't really mean that, i'm just in a bad mood that's all i didn't have enough money to pay the hook.....erm.........well i'm a bit on edge today do you think perhaps we can call a truce?" just then marcus's smile faded as he inched closer to walken.............and his urges he could control no longer, he took walken into his arms and gave him deep kiss, holding him close. they stopped and looked at each other and fell into a blissful tangle of sin and nothingness all at the same time another blast from the Klingon Bird of Prey rocked the mountain, sending Walken over a railing into the mechanical, alien abyss below.

Simon stared at Marcus, not sure what to say. Prince smiled. McDiddle just sat down. "Can we go home now?"

* * * *

Everyone had gathered outside the mountain, in ObtuseValley, to say their good-byes. The Polka playing accountant warriors seemed to lose their will to live as Grace Jones and Christopher Walken met theirs demises, and so now it was more of a case of clean up.

Lady Staepli was shocked at the identity of Tim the enchanter - and she slapped him.

The Knights sat patiently as Jay tried explaining the extensive backstory as to who, how, why, when and where Keanu, Bishop, the Power Rangers, Liu Kang and Kung Lao, and themselves factored into the whole mess, then boarded their space vessel. "Future or bust, biatches!"

The Knights remained. "Your ways frighten us. We will return to Lord Caracto and see about new adventures." Simon said.

"Have it your way, amigo. Later." Jay said. Silent Bob waived. Before he could close the hatch, Jay flew down to grab one of the polka accoutant's dead bodies. "Being a vampire is cool as hell." He floated back on board. "All right, sling shot us back around that sun, tubby!"

With that, the Knight's friends returned to their time.

However, the knights did not return to Pittsville and their lord. Marcus made for the town of Freicoop. Prince gathered himself a hairum (sp) and rocked the nights away. McDiddle got lost in RaspaForest and was never heard from again. Simon made for Japan, to become a samurai. The Bearskin Brawler retired and became a gentle farmer. And Herbert Gobbleton left for a land mass that Jay said was 'America.'





Deep within the mountains of ObtuseValley, in a pool of magenta liquid, Christopher Walken emerged. "I'll be back."

Someone threw him a towel. He looked over to see Skeletor. "Join the club."



THE END