#13 - A Night With Simon the Samurai/ Enter Skitza

[whatbombsatmidnite]

A Night With Simon the Samurai

or

Enter: Skitza



By PallWall, nice popsticle st1k, Vash3001, sixstrings, Komichi, The Jolly Roger. Kratos-san2, The-Jack, TheAltsAlternateAlt, DaemonSeedlet, TheKillerDynamo, SOCOMSoldier017, and WhatBombsAtMidnight

Robert's delivery truck barely made it to the gas station since he crossed the border with all the illegal immigrants and drugs he could jam in the back behind the crates of invisibility.

he peed his pants...

When Robert pulled up at the pump and cut the engine, the greasy attendant shuffled over to the pump and laconically scraped some of the bug juice off the windshield as he asked ... "i guess you needa key to the restroom, huh?"

...the poor retarded fellow was pushing it even though it had a full tank.

"and a beer by the looks of it."

"Yes, that would help. Can you tell me, where am I? Am I anywhere near PlummitFalls?"

"Plummit Falls eh? We don't get many customers anymore, since they built the interstate... I'd say we're 200 miles east of it. Here's the bathroom key." The attendent handed the man the key to the bathroom, which had a fairly large hub cap chained to it.

"Oh thanks, do you have a map I could look at or something?" He asked, taking the key.

"This is all I got."

He handed Robert a pamphlet for visiting SunnyPlummitFalls, and a napkin with grass colored on it with green crayon.

Then realizing that there are females around he quickly takes off his pants and runs around screaming he's huge.

* * * *

Herbert Gobbleton stared in confusion at the man running around with his naked sword piercing his pantaloons....

Suddenly, a bullet went right by him, hitting the oil cans near.

"These Cans are defective!" said Robert

"Yor a Jerk." said a Swedish passerby, which explains why there’s no u in your.

The attendant looked at Robert. "You're half naked and got someone shooting at ya, son."

"Happens to me every Thursday."

"Well, do what you came here to do and take a hike. We got enough problems around here with voodoo curses, maniac killers, and retired game show hosts. We don't need naked men targets."

Robert walked up to a man dressed in knights garb.

"Got any clothes?" Robert asked.

"I most certainly do." Herbert Gobbleton said, pulling out some Air force ones and FUBU from his travel pack.

"Not my "flava", but what the hell." Robert said. "Thanks"

"I wonder how Simon and the others are doing..." Herbert thought

* * * * *

Right at the same time Herbert was wondering how Simon and the others were faring, Simon was wondering exactly WHAT he would have to do to rid himself of this giant headache he'd recently begun suffering, all courtesy of Ichiro Suzuki. Simon's journey to Japan to become a samurai had been rough. Crossing the great Pacific Ocean was trouble. Making that wrong turn leading to Anarctica was bad. Meeting those blasted penguins...and that man.....what was his name? Morgan Freeman....yes that was it. And then finally arriving to Japan to have the stew kicked out of him in training. Everyday he went to his local fight club and got his homework assignment.

But today was special. Today, he was going to learn how to match his own socks. In the dark. Alone.

Contemplating this, he looked across The village he lived in and admired the lush fields of wheat and wonder bread. Suddenly, his admiration turned to avarice. "No...this can't be possible. I thought she was dead!!"

Simon saw Grace Jones walking towards the village..

* * * *

Back in present day America...

Robert came out front to find that his truck was gone. "What the hell?!? Where's my truck?"

Kurt Russell, sporting long hair and wearing a Chinese tank top walked by. "I know what you mean."

Robert went inside the gas station. "Did you see who stole my truck?!"

The gas station attendant did not answer. He had a machette lodged through his skull. Robert heard a rustling behind him. He turned about to see a certain hockey mask wearing maniac. "Jason Voorhees!"

That's when Jason pulled out a briefcase full of cosmetics samples and offered Robert free samples of rouge and eyeliner. Robert declined at first, but then he spotted a fragrance named 'El Dorito - The Woo-er.' "How much for that one?" he asked Jason.

The maniac just laughed his maniacal laugh, opened the bottle, and proceeded to pour its contents all over the mismatched pair. That's when things got out of control, and Kurt Russel pulled out his boot knife and used it to get all the dirt out of everyone's nails. Suddenly, the El Dorrito Fragarance materialized itself in the air and out of the mist appeared none other than El Dorrito Jackson. "Robert, it is a pleasure to see you again, here with the damp pants. Are we to woo the women tonight, finally?"

Jason grabbed El Dorito and threw him out the window, then blocked Robert's path.

Suddenly, a pen knife hit Jason square in the eye(socket) and Jason hit the ground. Robert turned to see Kurt Russell.

"It's all in the reflexes. The names Pliskin...Snake Pliskin" Kurt said.

"SNAAAKEE...NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled a voice.

The voice was none other thean Bender Rodrigues's.

"Not so moderately fast paced!" said Bender.

"GIGGIIGGGIGIGZIGGI YAh" he yelled as he was knocked over by Jason as he rose to his feet, knife stuck in eye socket.

"We all need to vamoose before some other assinine thing happens!"

As they ran outside, before them sat Pai Mei, the Kung Fu master with his white hair and beard/brows and his pi$$ed off disposition. He was holding a Mountain Dew.

As Robert helped El Dorito up off the ground, Dorito asked "Isn't that the crazy old guy that made Marceles Wallace's wife into a butt kicking bride?"

"Yes, the same."

"Ah. I wonder what he can turn El Dorito into? I could be a samurai pimp, perhaps?"

“Well, let's go ask.” Robert said.

As they walked up to Pai Mei, El Dorrito said.

"Hey niugah! Turn me to a samurai pimp!"

Pai Mei opened his eyes from meditation hopped down from his seat and put El Dorrito into an arm bar all before Robert could blink.

"Mother fuk." Robert said.

"So you want to be trained by me hmmm!!!" Pai Mei said.

"yES!!!" El Dorrito cried.

"Have you ever been in a unit son?" Pai Mei asked.

"...what?" El Dorrito stammered.

"Have you ever put a man's life in your hands, and asked him to do the same?" Pai Mei asked...with a rather non asian flamboyant pompous @ss American accent.

"who...who are you?"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREs JOHNNY!" Pai Mei said as he snapped El Dorrito's arm and lept back. He took off his disguise to reveal that he was not an asian, but an American. An American by the name of Jack Nicholson.

"Wake me up when this makes sense."

Then, from behind them, Jason Voorhees crashed out through the station's front door.

"Holy Jack, it's Sh!t!"

Suddenly, a black man with medieval armor and bicycle shorts swung in and attacked Jack and Jason with a katana sword.

"Who the timeline are you?"

"Simon the Samurai. It is a long tale I will tell you, but first, we must flee!"

Then it happened, Jason Voorhees made his way to the local arcade to put his history changing plan in action, he was going to Beat Pac Man...once and for all

**********************************************************

Simon and Robert fled the town and headed for the Mexican border, as per El Dorito's suggestion that 'everything can be fixed by fleeing to meh-E-co.’ They had carjacked an elderly woman and took her Chevy Cavalier out on the highway.

Along the way, Simon relayed his tale, beginning with his origins in the medieval land of Pittsville, his adventures in the RaspaForest, ObtuseValley, and Outer Space, before heading to Japan for his training, and where his real adventures began.

"I had stowed away a large sea vessel, bound for the shores of Japan, when the first mate came prowling through the hold and discovered my hiding place behind a crate of blue jeans and pirated Pee-Wee's Playhouse DVDs. It was a decent hiding place, with a hammock and a pillow made from salvaged belly-button lint. I was in the process of wooing a small group of ship's rats with crumbs from my dinner of ship's biscuits, when the ship hit an iceburg in the middle of the Pacific. We were forced to abandon ship or die. Many who did abandon ship did in fact die, but, I did not."

"Obviously." Robert said.

"Not long after," Simon continued, "I was rescued by a Japanese fishing boat off the coast of Okinawa. I was taken in by Hirohomi HondaSuzukihyundai, a fisherman. He said he saw something in me that screamed samurai...I think he might have been g4y and wanted to court me, so in the middle of the night I left for an adjacent island inhabited by samurai. I was caught in the middle of a battle and knocked unconscious by a round house kick. I awoke the next morning to find myself in a village. The townspeople were really disciplined, from sunrise to sunset they devoted themselves to training and finally accepted me to follow suit. For months on end non-stop all I did was train. Grace Jones however one day appeared at the village. She killed two of the samurai but I and the rest of the village subdued her and took her down. We then sealed her at the base of the volcano. I finished my training and am now, an uber elite samurai warrior. And the rest...well is history. I bid my fellow samurai farewell and headed to a landmass called america. I ran into Jay and Bob while in space and they gave me directions. Silent Bob also taught me the way of the Jedi.”

"Interesting story." El Dorrito said..."But what is the way of the Jedi?"

Simon replied "This...is kinda confusing, but it turns out the way of the Jedi is..."

Suddenly, they were interrupted by a bloodchilling scream from the general direction of behind them someplace.

El Dorrito said, "Uh...what the hell was that?"

Responded Simon with some urgency, pulling on the emergency brake, spinning the wheel 180 degrees and releasing the brake before giving it gas again. They were now driving in reverse and watching as Robert's truck pursued them .

"My truck!"

"That is no longer your truck. It is cursed!"

"What?"

"Look, you fool! No driver!"

Then the truck crashed into a large body of water,

Then a rumbling was heard.

Suddenly, out of the water came The Loch Ness Monster!!!!

"What do you want from us!!!" said both Simon and Robert.

"I want all your bases!!!!" Cried the Loch Ness Monster.

"Is that all?!" Robert shouted.

"Oh...and I need about three fiddy." The god dam loch ness monster replied

"Three-fiddy?! I AIN'T GIVIN' YOU NO **bleep** THREE-FIDDY!!!!!" Cried Robert.

"**bleep**hole." Nessy grumbled as it descended back into the water.

Simon pulled over and Robert got out of the car to watch his truck finish sinking. "That's my fifth truck this year."

"Do not fret, Robert. We shall stroll into the next town, adjourn to the La Taco, and we woo, Robert," El Dorito whispered. "We woo."

Simon and Kurt 'Jack Burton' / 'Snake Plisken' Russell joined them. "There's a whole lot of hong kong fooey going on here."

"It's as if something evil is inhabiting this town." Robert said.

"I felt that same thing when I arrived here three days ago, and I must say, it has grown more potent."

* * * * * *

Deep within the recesses of space and time an old evil was being reborn again....

It was a Spinach Farm and it was where all the Spinach in America grows. It was contaminated with E. Coli. Robert was hungry and didn't know any of the side effects, then suddenly...he got MUDD BUTT! And as he searched desperately for a working toilet, Robert reflected on his training. He practiced the ancient samurai butt-clenching technique known as squeezie-pie (lit. trans. "hold it" and waddled from stall to stall in a folrlorn way. but finding each one either locked, or blocked or woefully under stocked, Robert finally rushed outside, around the building iand into a nearby grove of trees, where he found A giant edited message, because this poster can't read all that well.

"How in blue blazes is this going to help ME?!" screamed Robert defeatedly as he surrendered to defecating into the stolen old lady's car.

Simon spoke to El Dorito. "Robert is not aware of his past, is he?"

"No, he is not. He does not know of his involvment. I have tried several times to return him home, but alas, unsuccessful."

"When I traveled through the ages, I frequently encountered a being whose evil allowed him to time travel as well. "

"Emeril?" El Dorio asked.

"David Lopan?" Jack Burton asked.

"Who?"

"Nevermind."

"This evil creature was named Skitza, a demon from the under world. I believe it has followed me here."

"You catch on fast," said a voice from behind

"Skitza!!" El Dorito said in shock.

"I hear you play a mean fiddle, El Diharriato." Skitza said slyly.

"You heard right!" he said as he whipped out his fiddle.

"How bout I get me another chance at that Gold?" said Skitza.

El Dorito and Skitza began playing 'the Devil went down to Georgia'. each trying to outdo the other. Both were quite good, and they made Robert's backseat defecating more relaxing. But neither was any better than the other.

"Draw!" Jack Burton declared.

Simon raised his sword and approached Skitza. "Your time has not come, demon. You were to wait another 100 years."

"I grow impatient. It didn't help that I got banished to Utah."

"You test the others' patience your being here."

"Good." Skitza, who had taken the form of a mime, clapped his hands and the clouds parted, the sky opening up only to darken, rain heralding the entrance of his loyal followers: the Harlem Globetrotters!

Along with the globe trotters came to other rather fat looking fellows. Each grasping an enchanted axe.

"I don't believe it." El Dorrito said. "It's....

"TENAAAAAAAAACIOUS DeeeeeeEEEEEE! Come fly with me FLY!!!" Jack black said. As he and his brother Kyle strode up to the demon.

"Play the best song in the world....or I'll eat your souls!!!" the demon said.

So they played and they played a really great song, just so happened to be. It was the best song in the world.

The globe trotters looked on in awe as did the rest of the group as the demon was having his a$$ artistically handed to him by the universes two greatest rockers. Little did everyone know that they were on their own quest as well. The quest, for the enchanted pick.

... and then Bubblegum Tate said something that they would all remember for the rest of their lives.

"... was that a goat, you jive turkey?"

"nope, that was rock," said Jack Black as he stuffed a couple of tacos down his pants. ("i'll save those for later"

... "and you better remember where you heard it, and go buy my album, cause i REFUSE to do another movie for nickelodeon I REFUUUUSEE!! ... oh, and by the way, have you seen my lucky metallica pick? it was personally thrown at my girlfriend by james hetfield himself, and it has a lot sentimental value to Kyle here. we're on a quest"

"I think I saw it back in town, three miles that way." Snake Plisken said.

"Thank you dear fellow! We're off!"

And once again, Tenacious D were gone.

And the Harlem Globetrotters were doing amazing basketball tricks as they surrounded Simon and Robert's group.

"I'm scared, hombre. Muy scared." El Dorito cried.

"There's only one thing for us to do -" Simon said. "We have to cross these fools up with some mad AND1 skills yo"! Robert said as he went for a double fake and kicked Curly in the nut sack.

"The D sure meets up with Demons and kicks their @ss's alot don't you think?" Said jack

the group nodded in agreement when suddenly, a Giant Ghost wearing a hockey mask came at them!

Simon dueled Jason Voorhees, katana to machette, until finally he lobded the creature's head off. "That should keep him down for a moment."

Then the four tried their own approaches to defeating the Globetrotters:

Simon tried to gracefully steal the ball.

Robert hit them where it hurt.

El Dorito tried confusing them with an odd dance.

Snake Plisken just shot them. This was the most effective.

With all the Globetrotters dead, Skitza was alone again.

"You have no power yet, demon," Simon said. "Leave now."

"So be it. But the time is soon, samurai, and I will not be denied!"

With that, Skitza receeded into the ground.

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Robert asked. "Why was my truck driving by itself?! Where'd Jason come from? Who is Skitza?"

"These answers and more next time on-" El Doritp began until Simon interupted.

"Robert, This Earth is one of four. Each has its designated guardian. Many of the guardians are ambitious and want more. Skitza was originally supposed to be one of those guardians. He was passed over. An opening, however, has presented itself, and he claims to take it."

"What the hell does that have to do with our trucks?" Jack Burton asked.

"Skitza likes to possess things."

"Oh."

"Robert," Simon said "You are the son of the family designated to succeed the departed guardian. Skitza needs you dead."

"This all sounds like horse $hit."

"I will explain. For now, we must go to Mexico and train."

"And woo. "

As the four walked into the rising sun, Jason stood up, carrying his head.

THE END - FOR NOW.