#15 - The Wizard's Alliance Gathers Again / S & W

[whatbombsatmidnite]

"Eons ago, the four dimensions were justly ruled in peace by The Wizard's Alliance..."

Mike leaned down and whispered to Timmy. "Pay attention, Tim. This is called a monologue, and most likely, will allow us to not just understand, but take advantage of name dropping to start selling memorabilia, like figures and lunch boxes!"

Curtis continued. "These four dimensions, Slow Earth, Lucky Earth, Doomed Earth, and Quebec, were assigned different camps or legions of enforcers. Doomed Earth was ruled by a sorcerer named Keldor. Lucky Earth ruled by a chef named Emeril, Slow Earth by Chuck Norris and his warriors, and Quebec was ruled by the man-eating turtle Zombie Heyzeus."

Tim tugged on Mike's pants leg. "This is confusing."



The Wizard's Alliance Gathers Again

or

Skitza and Walken Make Their Move

By naraku361, Punk Godess, das deutsch, Sparksundersquirrel, Munkie Junkie, android34658, PallWall, and 'staffers' Invida, DaemonSeedlet, TheKillerDynamo, SOCOMSoldier017 and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

In one of the nameless Mexican deserts, a weathered samurai named Simon was resting upon a cactus, reading a paper:

"Simon, your presence is requested at the gathering of The Wizard's Alliance

to ensure the assigning of new guardians to Lucky Earth and Slow Earth."

Simon folded the paper and went looking for Robert.

* * * *

In a dark alley in New Jersey, Jay the Vampire and Silent Bob were making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, when Jay didn't cut the sandwich directly in half.

That's when a man-eating turtle appeared from behind the garbage can.

"I think that stuff just kicked in, Silent Bob."

"It is I, Zombie Heyzeus." the turtle said

Jay turned to Bob again. "Dude, we need more of this stuff."

"I require your help. To be my bodyguards."

* * * *

In the depths of SnakeMountain, Skeletor was preparing for his journey when the cave door exploded -A giant figure walked its way through the gaping hole. The smell of cannon fodder and machinery filling the air. The figure was nothing like Skeletor had ever seen before. It stood about two stories tall. The top of it looked like a futuristic tank. The bottom however didn't seem machine at all. It seemed organic as two long leg-like structures held up the machine and propelled it forward in a walk.

"What in Emeril's name..." Skeletor mumbled.

The top hatch of the machine opened and out from it jumped an old man. He landed in front of Skeletor.

"Who the hell are you!?"

"Ahhh yes...Skeletor, I have a business proposition for you. My name is Liquid"

* * * * * *

Meh - Hee - Co

"Take cover!"

Robert, clad in a chicken suit, rolled under a broken down tractor as El Dorito threw limes at him.

"You can't hide all day!"

Robert got up and ran full force towards the maze of garbage cans. He zigged and zagged through them.

"Faster!"

Robert turned the corner to see a dummy with a sombrero and hedge clippers. Robert threw a Chihuahua at him and moved on. Then, he encountered a dummy with oranges strapped to its chest and a mop on its head.

"Now, woo her, Robert!" El Dorito ordered. "Woo!"



* * * *

...At the edge of a dark, gloomy wood that smelled faintly of sulphur and the sweat on an

old sock, three figures stood. Another lay rather lifelessly on a pile of toad turds,

which was the subject of great debate between the three characters.

"Why have you called me here?" the fairy of the whispering fields whined impatiently.

She waved her wand accusingly in Romeo's face, who grumbled, "Well, I'll tell you why!", "This buffoon here is on his first day of the job and has clearly made an error!"

He pointed a finger at Death, who stood away from the fairy and Romeo,

whistling and kicking the dirt, and pausing every few moments to thoughtfully dig into his nasal cavity with a skeletal finger.

"He's no Death like I've ever seen, he didn't even come riding on a pale horse!"

"What?" the fairy asked, looking bored and twirling her hair.

"He came on a tricycle", Romeo said, "Not a pale horse... what kind of Death has the nerve?!" "AND! He's killed Marge, my true love, who at this very moment lies at our feet!, he added.

The fairy tossed her hair and giggled, "What would you like me to do about it, sugar?"

"I've called you here to ask for your help", Romeo said rather snottily and waved his arms. "I'd like you to help me convince His Boniness here that he has made a mistake, and that he must return my Marge to me."

The fairy placed her hands on her hips and pouted, glancing at Death, who had taken to sitting cross-legged on the ground, idly licking a snail.

"And what do you have to say about this, Death?" the fairy asked.

He seemed to think for a moment.

"Do you have any bubble gum?"

Suddenly, three flying monkeys and Christopher Walken appeared, all brandishing tasers and Walken with a lead pipe, which he used to knock death out cold. The flying monkeys threw him and his tricycle in a sack and flew off with him.

"Where are you going?!" The fairy asked.

"We have unfinished business with him!" Romeo insisted.

"Sorry for that. It seems...I...have more important business...with death. Good day."

* * * *

Robert was whispering into the dummy's ear and grabbing its left orange when Simon interupted.

"I'm sorry, but your training will have to wait. We have been summoned away and must leave."

Then the flying Monkeys took our heroes to the Wicked Witch of the West's Castle, where they met with the Wicked Witch of the West.

***********************

Snake had just gotten done following Liquid in his Metal Gear. He had led snake to a cave which the metal gear had busted into.

Snake looked through his binoculaurs and saw liquid talking to a skeletal looking figure.

"Gotta call Otacon" Snake thought as he got on his com-link.

"Yeah snake, what is it?"

"Otacon, I've found liquid, he seems to be talking to someone."

"Know who it is?" Otacon asked.

"Negative."

"Let me see if I can zoom in on their conversation." Otacon said as he activated snake's directional mike and pointed it in the direction Liquid was.

*****************************************************************


"La-le-liu-le-lo?" Skeletor asked. "Who the hell are they and how are they going to help on on our plan for universal domination?"

"This elite group is comprised of elite soldiers, politicians, and even the president of the United States. They will aid us in our goal by helping dispatch our would be dispatchers."

"like who?" Skeletor inquired.

"Robert, El Dorrito Jackson, and Simon." Liquid said. "We will also have aid from Chritopher Walken."

*****************************************************************


"My god... " Otacon said.

"I thought the La-le-liu-le-lo were dead." Snake said.

"Well apparently they are back and plan to use every weapon at their disposal to get rid of us and the people he mentioned. Quick snake, I've got coordinates on Robert, Simon, and El Dorrito Jackson. Find them and tell them the news."

"Affirmative Otacon, out."

Snake snuck under his cardboard box and set out across the desert toward the others.

*****************************************************************


"Well, I still need to gather a few things."

"I will wait outside. You must be quick. I may have been followed."

As Liquid went outside, Skeletor waved his hand and an image of Zombie Heyzeus appeared.

"Keldor! Are you on your way to the Alliance?"

"Not yet. I've been approached by a party working in tandem with Walken."

"Skitza?"

"No, a new player. Used a blasphemous machine to enter SnakeMountain."

"Stay with him. I'll advise the others."

* * * *

Robert tried freeing himself from the flying monkey's clutches, but failed. "How is it we're being captured by flying monkeys?!?!"

"Hell has grown very cold." El Dorito said.

"Just relax," Simon said. "All will work out."

Just as they neared the Wicked Witch's castle, a Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaked above the castle. The flying monkeys ceased their flight and hovered in place, their captives dangling.

Then a voice echoed over a megaphone from the spaceship. "Unhand those guys or suffer the consequences. Snootchie Bootchies, hahahaha!"

Jay then slipped, breaking open his skull on the hard floor, his brains pouring onto the ground.

"Pwned," said Christopher Walken.

Jay stood up, cupping his brains in his hands. "Being a vampire is cool as hell, Silent Bob!"

The Klingons hopped out and dispatched the attackers of Simon as Jay beat the bejesus out of one particular flying monkey for a couple of minutes.

"Hey, any of you guys notice this cardboard box laying here?" Simon asked

Simon stepped toward the box and lifted it up. In a flash a figure from under the box put Simon in a choke hold and held a SOCOM pistol to his temple.

"Who are you! Let him go!" El Dorrito said as he hid behind Jay the vampire

"Oh snap, it's Snake, yo!" Jay said as he ran towards Snake

Snake put a bullet into Jay’s head sending him to the ground...but he got back up.

"Vampire huh..." Snake thought.

"Are any of you named Simon, Robert, and El Dorrito?" snake said

"Yeah, you’re holding me, Simon." Simon said

Snake let go and apologized and explained to the group the peril that faced them and why they were there.

* * * * * * * *

"Liquid has recruited Skeletor."

"I doubt that." Simon said.

"Skeletor is evil!" Snake said.

"The sorcerer formerly known as Keldor may be selfish, but not evil. Brilliant, lazy, eccentric, but not evil. He has helped me before. I believe he will do so again."

"Well, where now, amigos? La Taco?" El Dorito asked.

"No. The Wizard's Alliance Gathering. I fear Skitza may be making his move."

"Yo, me and Silent Bob here have spent a lot of dough pimping out our Bird of Prey, Millennium Falcon-style. We're ready."

* * * *

Somewhere, at an undisclosed location in the vicinity of Las Vegas, about 3 miles from the airport and across from that closed McDonald's...



Death struggled for life, clawing effortlessly to escape the sack the flying monkeys entrapped him in. Then, there was light.

"Welcome, honored guest." Said Christopher Walken. "It's such a pleasure to meet you."

In a raspy voice like Harvey Firestein, Death said "What the heaven am I doing here?"

"My partner and I feel you could be an...issue...if we let you wander about on your own. We felt it was safer here, with us."

"An issue to what?"

"My ascension to my rightful place as Guardian of Slow Earth!" a demonic voice said.

"Skitza? How'd you get out of Montana?"

"It wasn't easy, I assure you. You and your friends made sure the barriers were built well."

"Not well enough, I guess."

"You fool, have you NEVER noticed barriers, no matter how well-constructed most of the time, can't hold beings such as myself in no matter what?" Skitza replied, with impeccable disdain.

Death said under his breath, "And have you never noticed that this is the point in time that a random group of heroes comes to kick your **bleep**?"

Skitza barked, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"N - nothing, " said Death in the manner of a coward {not implying that he IS one, but because of the situation, he has to pretend to be one - oh, YOU guys get it.}

"That's what I thought," sniffed Skitza imperiously, turning away to his Frogger arcade game. Walken leaned in beside him. "He has a point. Those interlopers will discover us shortly if we don't make haste."

"You're right, as always. I'm heading for the Gathering. I trust that for the rest, I can rely on you."

"Of course." Walken said with a big grin.

* * * *

Liquid and Skeletor neared the rendezvous for the Shuttle to Nowhere, where the Gathering would be held. It was then that Spider man flew in and yelled "All your cookies belong to us!"

Than Jezus came back and wasn’t allowed into the church

Liquid stopped in his tracks, shocked, amazed, and utterly confused. Skeletor shrugged his shoulders. "This stuff happens alot."

As Liquid and Skeletor neared their destination, they spotted a rest stop with a Roy Rogers. "Can we stop now?" Skeletor whined.

"For an evil mastermind, you're annoying."

"It's not MY fault that I still retain a bladder after being a skeleton/evil mastermind ...uh...thing!" Skeletor said.

Liquid stopped and thought about that for a second. "Ew. I don't want to try and fathom the mechanics on that one, but thanks for making my brain hurt."

Skeletor nodded. "No problem," he replied as he practically did the Pee Pee dance all the way inside, searching for the restrooms.

"Gah...what a whiny sonofa...Hey! Soda!" Liquid was momentarily distracted, thereby failing to notice Skeletor turn away and stop dancing. An image of Zombie Heyzeus appeared. "Where are you?"

"We're at the Roy Rogers near the Shuttle lot. How close are you all?"

"We'll be there shortly. Delay him."

"With what? I can't conjure up a big breasted 18 year old, you know. Trust me, I've tried."

"Then think of something. The Guardianship depends on it!"

Skeletor returned up front.

"Better? Can we leave now?" Liquid asked.

"Let's get something to eat." Skeletor said as he approached the counter. "I'll take a #3 with bacon."

"Bacon doesn't come on it."

Skeletor raised his Havoc Staff and hypnotized the clerk. "Bacon does come on it. Oh, hell...just throw a whole pig on a bun", Skeletor said as he swung his staff.

He was enjoying his swine when a blood-spattered bunny rabbit gripping a chainsaw hopped toward him and tapped on his ankle, and asked for directions to Leaps N Bounds, ChildDevelopmentCenter. Skeletor pointed to the distant horizon and said: "That way. Godspeed."

As the chainsaw-wielding bunny went outside and hopped away, Skeletor waived his Havoc Staff and suddenly a machine gun toting cheetah appeared behind the rabbit.

* * * * *

Vampire Jay and Silent Bob's Klingon Bird of Prey flew across the Colorado Rockies.

Robert tapped Simon on the shoulder. "How'd he become a vampire?"

"Long story, my friend."

An alarm blared throughout the ship.

"It's the noise, Silent Bob!"

"No, there's an approaching craft." said Snake. "You're not going to believe this, but..." Snake called over his shoulder..."It looks like a giant...moose."

"?" said Silent Bob, if you consider raising one eyebrow saying something. {Which you'd better or we're screwed.}

"The...uhm...Bullwinkle kind. Or the Insurance place kind." Snake pointed out. "Not chocolate."

Robert replied, "Insurance place?"

Snake said, "Yeah, the...uh...Hartford, right?"

Robert scoffed, "That's an elk, idiot."

Snake snarled, "Who gives a flyin' crap in a windstorm? IT'S A MOOSE!"

Robert had to capitulate. "Good point...NOW what?!"

"I say we light it up! Naga-nooch!" Jay said as he fired an array of photon torpedoes at the giant moose. The moose was not injured - but it was pi$$ed.

"Nice job, Dracula!" Robert added.

"Evasive maneuvers!" Snake shouted.

Bob pulled back on the yoke and the Bird of Prey swung hard to port to evade the giant moose's bite.

"This reminds me of that movie with the worms-"

"Shut up, Jay!"

For all his piloting attempts, Silent Bob failed to clear the Moose's reach, and the monstrosity grabbed hold of them with his teeth.

"Game over, man, game over!"

"Everyone remain calm." Simon said.

"We are about to be eaten, and not in the sexual way!" El Dorito screamed.

Simon popped the escape hatch and climbed out. He leapt at the moose with his katana and sliced the moose's eyes in half. The beast let out a deafening bellow and tossed the Bird of Prey like a frisbee. Simon watched as his companions sailed towards the ground.

"Brace for impact!" warned Snake as the Klingon vessel crashed into a sand dune.

[whatbombsatmidnite]

[part 2]

* * * *

Silent Bob awoke to the chattering of gunfire.

Snake stood a yard away wielding a FAMAS and was blasting at some huge monstosity coming out of the sand.

"It's Gene Rodenbury's dune yo!!!" Jay said as he leapt onto the creature's head and started **bleep** slapping it.

The thing stood about twenty stories tall and was halfway stuck in the sand.

"I've got this." Snake said as he picked up a Javelin missile launcher nearby.

"oh sh1t!" Jay said as he leapt off the creature and hauled **bleep** away.

Snake aimed the weapon and fired.

The creature, thinking the missile was a delicious treat, happily swallowed the projectile.

"HIT THE DECK!!!" Snake yelled as he and the others dove face down behind the Klingon warship

"Shields up!!" a Klingon yelled as the ship's systems used all remaining power to put up a shield.

There was a blinding flash with no noise, then a deafening roar as the shockwave shook the ship.

When it was over the group looked at what was left and gasped as they saw a crater about a mile deep and ten miles in diameter.

"Hot **bleep**!" Jay replied.

Robert returned to the Bird of Prey's bridge. "Can we lift off?"

"All of our remaining power was diverted to shields. We're not going anywhere for a while."

Silent Bob leaned his head on Jay's shoulder and cried.

Everyone stared at the two.

"It was his first ride, yo!" Jay explained.

"We need to meet up with Simon as soon as possible. I'd say we have a two hour walk ahead of us." Snake said.

"But, I can't walk, I'm parapeledgic(sp)" Silent Bob said with a straight face.

"Holy **bleep**! You can talk!" Snake said in surprise.

"What a tweeest!" M. Night Shamalamadingdong said, popping into the screen.

"Well, back on subject, we need to buy you a wheelchair." Snake said.

"But all the wheelchair places are closed!" Jay exclaimed.

"What a tweest!" said M. Night Shamalamadingdong, popping back on screen.

Snake bats M. Night with a flyswatter and says "Will you get out of here!"

"Youse better just tough it out lunchbox," Jay said to Silent Bob

Just as this sentence was uddered a Giant Half Mothra Half Tony Danza appeared in the sky above them in a flash of light

"Your assistance is required in the Canadian Order Concerning Klingons"

"The C.O.C.K want us!" said Snake like a little school girl

"It is concerning the fate of the universe!" The Mothranza said

"Then We Shall GO!" said Silent Bob

Then The Mothranza teleported them on to the C.O.C.K. HQ"



Yum Yum Pizza, TorontoEntertainmentCenter: C.O.C.K. HQ



Snake and his group materialized at small tables topped with pink cans of soda and small squares of pizza with fries. Vampire Jay and Silent Bob ate theirs without hesitation. "Pretty good for Canadian grub, huh Silent Bob? Doesn't quite hit the spot, though."

Just then, a young man listening to Coldplay on his personal music device walked up to them. "Hi, I'm Lance."

Jay leapt at him and bit into his eyeballs.

"I was wondering when he'd do that." Snake said.

A girl screamed. "Oh, no!" She said in a subtle Canadian accent. "The head of C.O.C.K. is dead!"

Jay stood up and wiped his mouth. "I'll say. Even his blood tasted like-"

* * * *

Somewhere, a great sound of paddling erupts as Elvira admonishes WhatBombsAtMidnight for brutalizing animals and C.O.C.Ks

WhatBombsAtMidnight takes a moment and reflects on his situation. Elvira may have aged, but she remains busty and incredibly erotic as she paddles and he decides he is enjoying his admonishing.

* * * * *

Skeletor finished his roasted pig and not more than 2 seconds had passed before Liquid jumped up, saying "Can we please leave now?"

"I was gonna have desert."

Liquid hit his head off the table.

* * * * *

"whoa...what the hell just happened?" Snake asked.

Snake felt like his life was all of a sudden being played out, like a story written by a bunch of talented writers/misfits/prodigies on some cartoon show message board.

"Ah you just got gas!!!" Jay said.

"Why are we in Canada?! We're even FARTHER than we were before. If Liquid discovers Skeletor's delaying him, or if Skitza gets to the gathering - "

"I think the Tony Danza Moth brought us here for a reason." Snake said, pointing outside. Everyone turned to see the Skyhook.

"Dude, it's like $20 bucks American to get in." Jay said.

"But the glass floor helps with the wooing." El Dorito added.

"No, that hook's not what you think." Snake said as he loaded another clip. "It's what we need to get outta here."

* * * *

Canadian girls screamed as Snake and his group invaded the Planet Hollywood at the bottom of the Skyhook and made their way up the tower. While Snake and Robert focused on their advance, Jay, Bob, and El Dorito were swiping what gear and snacks they could.

* * * *

Meanwhile, The Spice Girls were reforming to start their plan to rule the world,



But they first had to kill the one who stopped their last plan at world domination...

Simon the Samurai, who, upon reaching the Roy Rogers near the Shuttle to Nowhere stop, had been meditating on past events, hoping to better plan for the future. He was also keeping an eye on Skeletor and Liquid.

That's when a squad of flying gorillas came swooping down upon the Roy Rogers. Simon sprang to his feet.

"What in the name of Tom Clancy?!" Skeletor said as he was surrounded by flying gorilla warriors.

"You're on their side, aren't you, Keldor?" Liquid said, now pointing a gun at the sorcerer.

"I'm on my side, as always."

Then Simon crashed in through the window...and everyone started kung-fu fighting.

Hiding in the back of shuttle shop to nowhere was Jackie Chan. He had traveled a long way to get here to wait for these crazy people.

He jumped in the air and did a somersault and beat the crap out of everyone in the restaurant.

"Listen, I'm looking for my uncle, he is the one causing all the celebrities and villains to appear everywhere, he can also explain why you are all here, but we have to stop him first."

"NO ONE UNDASTANDS THE WORDS COMIN OUTTA Yo MOUF!!!" said a voice from the back.

It was Chris Tucker.

"I'm here to help Chan! YAY YAY!!!"

Skeletor aimed his Havoc staff at Jackie Chan and turned him into a bucket of ribs.

"Thank you." Chan said.

Simon pointed outside. "Liquid's getting away!"

As the three of them ran outside, they saw Liquid stop to stare out into the distance. They did the same to see the Toronto Skyhook flying towards them.

"Well, spank my a$$ and call me Charlie."

"Oh snap dragon!!!" Chris Tucker said carrying Bucket o' Ribs Jackie Chan.

The skyhook let out a tremendous roar.

"It's Metal Gear Canada" Liquid said.

Then Death came and said "For you have gone too far!!! One of you must sacrifice yourself or the whole world will be destroyed!"

Chris Tucker slapped Death across his head. "Not now, bxtch!"

The skyhook crashed into the Roy Rogers and out of the wreckage came Snake and his crew. "Liquid!"

Before the two could clash, the shuttle to nowhere appeared and Liquid got on.

"He's going to the Gathering!" Robert yelled.

"No sh1t!" Skeletor added. "unnnngh" Skeletor moaned as he excreted a small child.

It was a harlequin fetus! It hissed an inhuman noise as it clung to Robert's face.

As Robert fights to get the baby off his face, Skeletor moans again as tons of babies come out his bung-hole. Robert finally gets the baby off his face and is swarmed with little babies. They eat Robert alive as Skeletor passes out.

Skeletor awakens, only to find himself strapped to a table with a giant, baby-manned, hydrolic phallus pointed at his boney **bleep**.

"NOOOO!" he screamed as the machine began to rumble towards his posterior.

Skeletor opened his eyes yet again to find himself among the others, Robert still very much alive. They were on a bus driving through - a rip in the space-time continuum. "I'm never eating Roy Rogers again."

El Dorito was sharing his womanizing secrets with Jay and Bob while Snake drove the bus and Simon meditated. "Where's Chris Tucker?"

* * * *

Back in the desert, Chris Tucker sat alone, eating the bucket of ribs formally known as Jackie Chan.

* * * *

The rip in space-time ended and the bus pulled up to a lone Bed, Bath, and Beyond - BeyondCity, Middle of Nowhere.

When they arrive, Adam Sandler comes running out kissing a universal remote.

"What's that?" Snake asked.

"It's a remote that controls my universe!" Adam said in excitement.

"Would you mind helping us out, we could really use a remote like that." Snake asked.

"Screw you!" Adam said in disgust.

Snake takes out am AK47 and shoots Adam before he could stop time. He picks up the remote and says, "I'll save this for later."

Vampire Jay and Silent Bob seen this and made a mental note to swipe it from Solid Snake.

"So, this is where the Wizard's Alliance meets? A Bed, Bath, and Beyond?" Robert asked.

"That is correct." said Zombie Heyzeus, sitting on a mattress.

"Ay Curamba!" El Dorito screamed. "A talking turtle!"

Skeletor joined Heyzeus. "Can we get this over with? I just wanna go back home."

[part 3]

* * * * *

The group walked through the back doors of Bed, Bath, and Beyond to enter an dark and empty coliseum.

"Where is everyone?" Robert asked.

"They've taken a bathroom break - I suppose." said Christopher Walken as he appeared on a balcony overlooking the arena. "Where Skitza will ... persuade them to allocate Slow Earth to him."

"I'm not letting some demon rule my world. Unless it's Lindsay Lohan." Robert said.

"You don't have a choice!" Walken said, unleashing a maniacal laugh and motioning for a wave of flying chimps and gorilla carrying soldering guns to attack. Then, a horde of Rock Soldiers surrounded our heroes.

"d**nit, Silent Bob, I'm missing our pimped out Klingon warship right about now."

Simon, Robert, and Snake poised themselves for battle.

Simon dashed toward the nearest rock soldier and did a series of fast slashes with his samurai sword. The soldier fell to pieces.

"Like my grandpappy used to say...women are stupid. heh, I love that quote from Dr. Phil!" Simon said.

Suddenly, he was frozen in place and couldn't move.

"Oh I forgot a technicality, you can only attack once, after that a hole in space traps your movement make escape impossible." Walken said as he laughed.

"Glad I'm sitting down then." Simon said. "Go get ‘em guys"

Snake didn't have any weapons other than his knife.

"Guess I'll have to rely on CQC." he thought

"Counter balance, knife, quick slash, retract." He repeated to himself.

The lumbering rock soldier lunged toward him arms outstretched. Snake duck under the arms executing two slashes to the inside of both arms then to the abdomen then tripping the thing sending it crashing to the ground.

"Nice moves! You totally went Gary Busey on that mother fuker!" Jay said.

The rock monster got back up.

"d**nit!" snake said as he was frozen into place.

"It's up to you Robert!" Snake yelled from across the arena.

Everyone froze in awe to see Robert....in one don't-blink-or-you'll-miss-it whirlwind of fury, sweep-kicked a rock soldier to the ground, grabbed his arm, and hurled him into flying chimps and gorillas who crashed into the remaining soldiers, knocking them all out.

Then, Robert froze in place, just as stunned as everyone else.

"That was awesome yo! Boy eats his weedees!"

"How?" Robert asked.

"Because of your heritage, Robert." Simon said. "You are a bast ard child of Chuck Norris."

"How is that possible?"

"Your mother was a Norris groupie." Simon said.

"He wooed her, Roberto." El Dorito added.

"It matters not, who the boy's father is." Walken interupted. "You will all die. Now." As Walken exited the arena, a boy with a huge head and a tossle cap came out, swinging his double-length arm and destroying things. "Chewy chewy chomp!"

Snake tried shooting it, but it was impervious to bullets.

"Me Stan. Ba champ, ba chewy chomp, ba chewy chomp!"

"How is that possible?"

"Your mother was a Norris groupie." Simon said.

"He wooed her, Roberto." El Dorito added.

"It matters not, who the boy's father is." Walken interupted. "You will all die. Now." As Walken exited the arena, a boy with a huge head and a tossle cap came out, swinging his double-length arm and destroying things. "Chewy chewy chomp!"

Snake tried shooting it, but it was impervious to bullets.

"Me Stan. Ba champ, ba chewy chomp, ba chewy chomp!"

"Looks like you guys need help!" said a voice from above.

"UNCLE!" Jackie Chan yelled from the stands

"Yes, I figured it'd be my turn to go through my own portal!" he said

Stan lumbered toward Jackie's Uncle.

Jackie's Uncle kicked it in the chest exploding the thing's heart, or whatever was there, killing it instantly.

"YAY UNCLE!" Jackie yelled.

"Holy Macaroni!!!" said another voice

It was Fred Durst

"Why the hell are you here!?" Walken asked.

"I DID IT ALL FOR THE NO0kie!!!" Durst yelled.

Durst crashed into a control panel, breaking his neck and dying like a rag doll. That control panel, however, was what was keeping our heroes frozen in place, and thanks to his sacrifice, they were free. They ran out of the arena to encounter even more rock soldiers. Snake shot as many as he could, but he soon ran out of ammo.

Just as one rock soldier was about to shoot Snake, a bullet cut through his head and sent him to the ground. Snake turned about to see Kurt Russell holding a gun and wearing an eye patch.

"Thanks Jack Burton!"

"Call me Snake."

"But I'm snake!"

Then, they heard groaning and screaming in the distance.

"Oh Crap Sons a **bleep** it's some **bleep** zombies!"

then some zombies came, but they where those fast dawn of the dead remake zombies.

"Run !" yelled the gang as they ran, all except Turtle Zombie Heyzeus who had his mouth firmly grasped on to snakes leg

"This Skitza's got every kind of monster on his side, doesn't he?" Robert said.

"Keep going!" yelled Simon as he stopped in his tracks. "I'll hold them off."

Robert gave him a simple nod as the group ran towards the Gathering and Simon stood his ground against the zombies with a mere katana sword. Each zombie ran at Simon with primal fury and hunger, and each one met Simon's blade at the neck.

* * * *

"Welcome, esteemed wizards, sorcerers, spellcasters, and day time talk show hosts." began Supreme Wizard Malculy Culkin, known as The Pagemaster. "We are gathered here today to select two new guardians. As we all know, Chuck Norris died in his attempt to protect the Four Earths from Emeril's mutiny, and all though he has returned to the plane of existence several times to aid those in need, his position, as well as the defeated Emeril, remains vacant."

"Where are the other Guardians, Keldor of Doomed Earth and Zombie Heyzeus of Quebec?"

Skitza was among the crowd, content with a wicked smile.

* * * *

The group neared the gathering hall, laid out in the middle of Nowhere, a dark land sporadically populated with McDonald's, cheap hotels, adult bookstores, pawn shops and Waffle Houses.

"We're almost there. I can 'feel' it." Robert said.

That's when something burst up from the ground in front of them. It was a tiny explosion.

"Sniper fire! Go for cover!" Snake yelled.

"I can' t stop bullets, I'm only half Norris!" Robert said.

"I've got this, you guys go ahead, I'll catch up. This guy is an expert sniper...the grandfather of sniping." Snake said.

The others ran while ducking for cover.

"alright...time for a sniper battle!" Snake said as he activated his stealth camo and unsheathed his knife and pistol.

* * * *

"I nominate Doctor Bruce Banner for Guardian of Lucky Earth!" yelled one old wizard. There were a few agreeing shouts.

"I nominate Grand Moff Tarkin for Lucky Earth!" yelled a younger sorcerer.

Skitza leaned in close to him. "You'll nominate Skitza for Slow Earth."

"Why would I do that?" Then, the sorcerer felt his neck swelling up and his heart beat racing.

"That's Death's touch, and he works for me. Remember that."

The feeling went away as Skitza moved on to another wizard.

* * * *

The group reached the gates to the Gathering Hall only to confront the guards: The Insecticons: Bombshell, Kickback, and Shrapnel.

"No one enters, enters."

"How the hell do we fight three 30 foot tall robot warriors?!"

Then, a Klingon Bird of Prey flew overhead, shooting at the Insecticons.

"Our ride's all fixed, Silent Bob!" Vampire Jay yelled.

"But how did it get repaired?" Robert asked.

That's when the Klingon Bird of Prey transformed into a 100 foot tall robot.

"Oh sh1t!"

It began to kick the Insecticons around as the group entered the gathering hall.

"I nominate Tony Stark for-" the wizard speaking paused and everyone diverted their attention to the group that had just arrived.

"Keldor, Heyzeus, you're late."

"And with good reason. One among you wishes to rig the selections and place himself ruler of Slow Earth!" Heyzeus said.

"And it's someone who'll make my life more complicated, so yeah, he's bad!" Skeletor said.

Skitza rose to the ceiling of the hall. "You cannot kill me, Keldor, because Death will not take me as long as I control him!"

Before Skitza could turn and run a light shone in front of him. blinding.

"If death isn't working then I'm gonna take his place." said a voice.

"My god...no. " Skitza said as he backed away but into someone else.

"Trying to cheat death? That....was a mistake." said another voice.

Skitza sat on the floor as he was sandwiched in between two of the greatest warriors the four earth's had ever seen. Chuck Norris and Jet Li.

"well....I can take you! I can take you both!" Skitza said.

This was followed by laughter from the council members.

"Well, if you feel that way, Jet Li is going to beat the ever loving life out of you and when your soul leaves your body I'm going to drag you down to hell to be beaten even more." Norris said.

Li stepped into a fighting stance. "Let's go."

Skitza converted and contorted his body into a ninja warrior almost twice as tall as either Norris or Li. The fight began.

"What the Mooby is going on?!" Vampire Jay screamed. "That crazy a$$ little demon's now a friggn warrior fighting 2 guys we all saw dead!"

"I have a feeling Walken helped Skitza capture Death so he couldn't interfere." said Robert. "And that's how my father and Li were able to return."

"How do you know this, Roberto?" El Dorito asked.

Robert pointed to his head. "My Norris-sense. Come on!"

As the behemoth demon fought Norris and Li, Robert led the others out of the hall and up a staircase. At the top was a sealed room. Robert turned to Silent Bob. Silent Bob pulled out a crowbar from his inner jacket and propped open the door.

Inside sat Death, bound and gagged, and Walken pointing a gun at his head.

"That insane mutha **bleep** 's gonna cap Death, dude!"

"Skitza and I had a deal. I kidnap Death, he takes care of you, he becomes a guardian and rules with an iron fist, I get ownership of AOL Time Warner. Now, you interlopers have foiled it up!"

"You can't kill Death, Walken." Robert said.

"We'll see about that." Walken pulled the trigger. The black robe fell to the floor - empty.

Vampire Jay took the opportunity and leapt at Walken, biting his neck. Mouthful of blood, Jay yelled "It's like Highlander, yo! I'm absorbing his acting skills!"

JAy quickly drained all signs of life from Walkens body

"Snooch.... to the Nooch!" He said Walkenesquely.

Then as the clock struck Midnight a bomb burst right in the middle of all the action.

"What bombs at midnight?" said Snake

"Yeah, baby! I'm making gravy without the lumps!" shouted a short, creepy looking man with a knapsack labeled bombs hanging off his shoulder. "Because I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber - What Bombs At Midnight!"

As he ran off, Robert turned to Snake. "Did you get the sniper?"

"I thought I did."

Another bomb went off. "We need to evacuate the area, get the Wizard's Alliance to safety."

"They’re wizards, amigo." El Dorito said. "They can escape easier than we."

The Bird of Prey Transformer arrived and transformed back into the space ship.

"How convenient." Robert added.

"What about Norris and Li?" Snake asked.

"I have a feeling they'll make sure Skitza does not escape."

The council members didn't watch a fight, it was more like a beating. Li kicked out the kneecaps of the thirty foot Skitza jumped up and hunched a hole through his chest killing it instantly. Skitza's soul tried to escape but Norris captured it. Just as Norris was about to beat Skitza’s face in, Death came.

"Let me help you...guys in heaven and hell are never gonna believe I helped kick a.ss with Norris!" Death said

"Alright." replied chuck as he and death proceeded to dish out a piping hot **bleep** whooping as death took the dead soul to be blown out of existence in hell.

"you guys rock! Thanks!" The council said.

"All in a days work." Norris said

"You are welcome." Li said as they both bowed and were beamed back up into heaven.

* *********************************

As Jay and the others were in the bird of prey they felt a rumbling behind them.

"we've been hit!" Snake shouted.

They looked on the radar as they all were amazed.

Outside the viewing window was the starship enterprise, piloted by none other than vampire Christopher Walken and the Sniper.

"I told you when you feed to make sure you drink all their blood!" Silent Bob yelled at Jay.

"What now?" El Dorito asked.

"Engage the cloaking device!" Robert ordered.

Silent Bob flipped the switch. Nothing.

A volley of proton torpedoes struck the Bird of Prey.

"Doesn't this tub have ANY weapons left?!" Snake shouted.

Jay snapped his fingers and whispered something to Silent Bob, who then entered a command sequence.

Suddenly, instead of an aft torpedo, the ship fired a Carrot. A large, 30-foot long carrot that smashed into the Enterprise. The Constitution class vessel plummeted towards the ground.

"Told you we pimped our ride out!" Jay shouted.

The Bird of Prey flew away as the rest of the area exploded in the last of the bomb blasts.

* * * *

The Wizard's Alliance had reconvened in a closed nightclub in Pittsburgh's strip district.

Maculy Culkin, The Pagemaster, addressed the council. "The votes are in. Guardianship of Lucky Earth is given to industrialist Tony Stark, CEO of Stark Enterprises and known to the world as the superhero IronMan." The audience applauded. Stark stood up. "I will safeguard my realm from the Masters of Evil and all those who conspire to destroy free will, including the French and the Vatican."

With that, The Pagemaster spoke again. "As for Slow Earth, it has been decided that Robert, son of Norris, will inherit the guardianship his father died for." The audience applauded again. Robert was not present.

* * * *

Robert was visiting the monument left to remember Norris and the Fight'n Celebs. Solid Snake patted his shoulder. "They were great warriors. You will not disappoint them."

An old man on a scooter drove up. "I have a mission for Snake."

"I'm Snake."

"No, Snake Plisken. Do you know where I can find him?"

Solid Snake just grumbled.

* * * *

Simon the Samurai walked through the fields of Nowhere, his guard up, prepared for another onslaught of zombies. Many had fallen, but many more remained. He felt that the others were successful, plus he saw them fly away as the gathering hall exploded and then shoot a carrot at the Enterprise, but his journey had many more miles to go. The Saga of Simon was far from over...

* * * *

"Skeletor returned home, no worse for where than when he left SnakeMountain. The sorcerer looked at the large hole in his wall and sighed. "I'll have Beast Man and Two Bad patch it up tomorrow." He sat in his message chair and

"Who keeps narrating?! Is that James Earl Jones?! Cut it out, Vader! This isn't CNN!"

Jay and Silent Bob giggled from behind a rock. Jay aimed the Universal Remote Control and pressed



THE END