#16 - Night of the Living Koalas/ Simon Meets Vigo

[whatbombsatmidnite]

The Night of The Living Koalas

or

Simon Meets Vigo



By: android34658, The-Jack, IDiedOnASlipNSlide, HeeroYuv135, pimp named trickback, -Klass Klown-, and PallWall, Invida, The Killer Dynamo, SOCOMSoldier017, and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

A full moon loomed over the small town of Flat Marbles. Owls hooted, crickets chirped, victims screamed as they bled to death, and Murderous koala bears searched for heads to decapitate.

Jenna moaned as Jack's kisses took her breath away, his hand cupping her breast softly, then groping it like a caveman.

She heard a chirping outside the car. That’s when a rabid koala bear smashed through the windshield and decapitated both of them.



* * * *

Simon the Samurai, a strong black man who had once been a knight of Pittsville, had spent centuries learning the mysteries of this world, and had aided many a soul when in danger. When he strode through Flat Marbles on October 31st, little did he know he would face his greatest fear.



* * * *

The police had barricaded the park so the children passing by wouldn't see the evil, radioactive, rabies-infected monkeys hiding in the trashcans.

The police had called in the park ranger, but he seemed to be under the weather, puking and screaming 'It's people! People!'

The reason why the Ranger was sick that night was because he ate Yogi's **bleep**, thinking that it was a candy bar. Yogi and Boo-Boo laughed when the Ranger ate it!

Lt. Bo Flecks lifted the girl's head and examined it.

As the ambulance drove away with the infected ranger, Lt Bo Flecks dropped the girls head and began interviewing eyewitnesses.

"I saw what done happened to that poor white park ranga. He done ate that bear's poop and got sick and started cravin' brains and stuff." the fat, black, ugly looking witness said

"Who are you sir?" Lt. Bo Flecks asked.

"My name is Uncle Rukus..no relation and if that ranger had been a darkie, everything woulda' been alright. Say...whos that samurai lookin negro approachin us?" Rukus asked as he saw Simon carrying the head of the park ranger.

"This ranger is dead, Lt." Simon said as he tossed the head to Lt Bo Flecks.

The lieutenant saw the katana strapped to Simon's back and pulled his gun. "Freeze! Stay right where you're at, timmy."

"Timmy?"

"What you doing with that sword?"

"It was given to me by the last emperor of Japan before he died."

"And it's good for beheadings, ain't it, timmy? You're going downtown under suspicion of murder!" Lt Flecks said as he cuffed Simon and threw him in the back of his squad car.

Three people showed up. One looks like a chubby biker dude with lots of hair. Another looks like a man of politics. The third looks like a cross between a SCUBA Diver and a ninja. The introduced themslves.

"My name is Harry Mann." said the biker.

"My name is Richard Upmabutt." said the politician.

"I AM ZE SCUBA NINJA!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" said the scuba, ninja hybrid.

Uncle Ruckus walked up to the two and stared them down vigorusly.

"You three look like some nice clean white folk. My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation." said Ruckus.

"I'm Lt. Bo Flecks, what brings you three here?" said Flecks.

"I heard you're lookin' for a few good men." said Harry.

"Uh, sure. So, what we are looking at is a triple homicide." Flecks said in distain.

"JUST LIKE LAST WEEK! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" The Scuba Ninja laughed.

"Oookay. So, uh, whatdya think?"

"Hm, sounds like a toughie. I think that the wounds on the bodies are animal bites. And judging from the size, it was a smaller one. But how can a small animal cause such a big damage?" said **bleep**.

"Well, if what you say is true, then the big black man with the sharp sword is innocent."

Bo Flecks turned around to see that Simon had escaped from the squad car's back seat.

"NOW THAT'S A NINJA!!"

* * * *



A small child dressed up like Captain Jack Sparrow rang the door bell at 420 69th SE St, but instead of candy, instead got a koala bear talon to the throat.

* * * * *



"So, what do we have here?" Simon asked.

"Looks like we got ourselves anotha moida.(murder)" Uncle Ruckus answered.

"Looks like with the same culprit as well, look at those bite marks." said Richard.

"Looks like this'n is just a little tyke. Just out Trik er' Treatin'. He didn't desereve it unlike Jenna Jameson cheating with John Stamos." Lt. Bo Flecks said with a witty grin.

Then a Koala Bear came and delivered a cheese pizza,

with a side order of death.

But these fellows were not dead for long,

because it is halloween and everybody knows that if you die on halloween you come back as a zombie.



Frank Castle sat in his apartment in a drunken stupor. He had been doing his fighting of justice for over two years now and had punished many an adversary. The town he lived in had been over run by zombies which he had been blasting left and right with ease. He needed a mission, a new way, he had heard of a certain warrior by the name of Simon and he heard stories of a man named Robert Norris and his father Chuck. He had also heard of the strange occurances throughout the town.

He packed all his weapons and headed out of his apartment, a strange feeling of never seeing the apartment again washed over him as he left. The Punisher was back in business.

* * * *

Simon had sat himself down upon a roof of the local Dunkin Donuts. He meditated, and felt a strong, evil presence eminating from the center of town. "This must be where the koala bears are coming from." With that, he was off.

* * * *

Baby 'Lil Jon crawled out of his playpen to discover bloodied koala fur and the severed remains of his parents, a few Muppets dolls, and Kevin Bacon.

There was a message scrawled on the farthest wall of his play room written in koala dung, which smelled a lot like cough drops.

It said simply: HA.

"YEAH!", "OKAY!" Baby 'Lil Jon said in great distress. He grabbed ahold of his binky and crawled off in search of. some crunk.



* * * *

Simon's pace quickened. However, his thoughts fled back to the events a mere hour ago....

The pizza delivery koala bit Simon's new friends, and like it had been in Nowhere, Simon was faced with a zombie attack. He had seen many friends fall over the ages: his fellow knights, fellow samurai, fellow chronic masturbators, so he was more than prepared to kill the undead. But an explosion sent them all flying in different directions, and when Simon regained his bearings, they were gone…

Now, he sought out the source of the infection, a spawning pool of evil located in the center of town. He was heading for -

a WAL-MARTSUPERCENTER!

*********************************************

Frank Castle had spent the whole trip to the center of the town on foot blasting away Koala Bears left and right. He was running low on ammo and energy. He spotted a Wal-Mart a couple of yards out. He also saw a figure wielding what appeared to be a katana.

"I bet he knows what's going on." Frank thought to himself as he sprinted towards the Wal-Mart staying low.

*********************************************

"What in the name of white Jebus was that explosion?" Uncle Rukus thought as he got up slowly.

"Look out, RUKUS!" Huey Freeman screamed as he punched a Koala in the face with his black power fist.

"yeah n1gga yeah!!!" Riley said as he blasted koalas left an right, they were slowly being surrounded.

"Hey, is that the Punisher headed inside the Wal-Mart?" Huey asked the others. "We should follow him, I bet he can help."

"Of course he can...he's white." Rukus said as they followed after The Punisher.

* * * *

Simon entered the Wal-Mart to find it operating on its own, no employees, no customers. He wandered about, taking supplies as he saw fit.

In the middle of housewares, his path was blocked by a 15 foot tall oil painting of a Carpathian. Simon looked up and felt the painting staring at him.

"Stop! Please stop!" yelled a little man wearing an angora sweater. "Stand away from him?"

"Who is he?"

"He is VIGO! You are like the buzzing of flies to heem."

Simon reeled back as a bullet tore through the head of the man spraying pink mist everywhere.

"That was a hell of a shot" Simon thought as he ducked for cover. "Who was that!" he said aloud.

"The names Frank Castle…but you can call me, The Punisher." Frank replied blowing smoke away from the barrel of his .45 cal modified colt.

"What are you doing here?" Simon asked

"I’m here to help you, I needed a mission. My family was killed long ago and I punished those responsible. I've made it my life to punish anyone doing wrong and I needed a mission. I heard what was happening in this town so…here I am." Frank replied as he holstered his weapons.

"Well, I came with help, but I don't know where they ar--HEY GUYS!" Simon said as he saw Rukus, Huey and Riley come into view.

Uncle Ruckus smiled and held out a hand to the gun-toting vigilante. "Name's Uncle Ruckus, no relation."

Castle remained silent and turned back to Simon. "What's up with this picture?"

"The corpse on the floor had said he was Vigo."

"Vigo? Sounds like a spaghetti sauce." Ruckus said.

"Funny thing is, I could swear it was staring at me." Simon said.

Castle aimed his Glock at Vigo's painted forehead and fired. The bullet ricocheted off the canvas and struck a bottle of 409.

Simon and Castle stared at each other, then looked back at the invincible painting.

Then, a swarm of koalas pop out of nowhere. Punisher tries to shoot them but he runs out of bullets. Huey's Black power fist is out of juice. Then, out of nowhere, the Scuba Ninja pops out and kills all the koalas in one fell swwop.

"MWAHAHAHA, IT IS I, THE SCUBA NINJA!!! LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS NEED SOME HELP." Scuba Ninja said.

"You showed up just in time, that painting must've done something to our weapons." Simon said.

But, when Simon turned around, the painting was gone. "What the?!"

He looked back to the others. They were gone. His surroundings were no longer an aisle of housewares. It was as if his environment vanished without him...

* * * *

"Hey, where'd the samurai go?"

Castle could not see him. All he saw was the painting of Vigo, staring at him.

"I've heard of you Frank....I can help you with my power." a voice said. It was coming from the painting.

"Thanks but no thanks pal, I don't need your help." Frank replied. "Where the hell am I?"

"We are in our own part of space and time." Vigo said as he stepped out of the painting.

Frank's senses were on edge as the only weapon he had was the butterfly knife in his boot.

"Do not fret Frank, I think I understand your pain, here, give me your hand."

"Hell no." Frank replied as he pulled out his knife and stabbed Vigo in the heart.

Vigo smiled and pulled the knife out grabbing Frank by the throat and holding him on the ground.

"You have no idea what kind of hell I've been through to get here, the sorrows I've had to endure." Vigo said as he delved into Franks mind with his own.

"You have no fuking idea **bleep**." Frank said as he grabbed Vigo by his throat as well.

Vigo went into frank's mind and saw the defining moments of his life. His family being massacred, his alcoholism, his change into the Punisher, the vengeance he enacted on all those who did him wrong. But even more so, the seething hatred and justice intertwined to make great heroism that made Frank the Punisher.

Vigo reeled back and disappeared into nothingness "I can't handle that" he thought. "I can sure as hell get one of the others though. I'll start with Huey Freeman!"

Frank got up slowly and retrieved his knife from the ground. The empty space materialized back into the Wal-Mart store. He ended up in the hunting department.

"just what I need." he thought as he stocked up on ammo.



*****************************************************************
*****

Huey Freeman found himself in empty space...

Vigo appeared before him.

"Huey Freeman, I know of your past, but what if I can promise you something good in return?" Vigo said.

"Like what?" Huey answered.

"Eternal Life, endless strength, you know, the usual."

Huey says something deep about time, death and strength.

"Uh......, I gotta go!"



*****************************************************************
******

The Scuba Ninja finds himself in some kind of vortex. Vigo approaches him.

"Scuba Ninja, what if I could offer you eternal life?" Vigo asked Scuba Ninja.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA YOU P*SSY!" Scuba Ninja retorted.

"Is that a challenge!?" Vigo said with disdain.

Vigo launches at Scuba Ninja. Scuba Ninja dodges Vigo and pulls some ninja wire and ties it around Vigo's neck. Vigo vanishes before any harm can be done.



*****************************************************************
*****

Riley and Uncle Ruckus find themselves in a vortex together.

" How about eternal life for the both of you? Sounds good, Eh?" said Vigo

"SHAZAM!!!!" said a voice of into the darkness,

it was the one and only...

Dave Chapelle!

"What you two n1ggaz doin' here?" Dave said.

"Aw, no way man! It's Dave motha f*ckin' Chapelle. Man n1gga you funny as hell! I got you on DVD!" Riley walked up to Chapelle and said.

"Aw great, another darkie!" Ruckus said.

"Aw crap, I uh gotta go!" Vogo said.

"N1gga you get back here with my money! You can't keep runnin' from me forever!!!!!" Dave chased Vigo as he vanished into the distance.

"What you got with this Vigo dude?" Riley asked Dave.

Well it all started when he tried to cancel my show along time ago. You see, he offered me a business deal and 50 million dollars. Something smelled fishy and it was, and I aint' talkin' about like Uncle Rukus's momma' either."

"Hey darkie watch it!" Rukus said.

"You see, the money was fake and Vigo had a power to take over peoples’ minds and have their lust for power become his slave. Everyone at Comedy Central went mad save for Neil, Charlie Murphy, and Darnell Rawlins.....you know...Ashy larry? Anyway, they sent me to Africa to find a gem that would dispell his power, and I somehow ended up here with yall'."

"**bleep** n1gga that story is tight! We help you!" Riley said smiling

"I guess we gotta, but this don't mean i like darkies, separate but equal I always say, I was happy at da' back of da' bus." Rukus said.

****

Simon was adrift in a sea of nothingness, an abyss with no bottom called to him, beckoning him.

"Let go, Simon. You can not save them, nor yourself. It is time to let go."

"Who are you?!"

"Listen to me. You have traveled the world over many times. You have seen many loved ones come and go, some fall before your very eyes, even some at your very hands. You have earned your rest."

"This is trickery! Who are you?!"

"Am I not familiar? Do I not speak in a tongue you recognize? Do I not speak the truth?"

"No. You do not."

Out of the void, the face of Vigo appeared before Simon. "Enough is enough, samurai. I have been entrapped in this hell long enough. I have peered into all of your hearts. Castle would be ideal if not for his longing for order and belonging. Never an innocent died by his accord. But I have seen into your mind - and your soul. You will be my vessel. Through you I shall live again!"

Vigo became transparent and merged into Simon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Simon yelled as he passed out.

When he awoke he was still him, but something else was inside of him.

"I am in you now Simon, and I can come forth when I please, for now I will just watch and wait."

"Get out of me you fuk-AAHH!" Simon's arm slowly started to turn black. Simon thought about it stopping and it stopped growing.

"You can't fight me forever, each passing moment I will take control of you."Vigo said.

"You'll never win!" Simon yelled.

A portal opened in front of Simon leading him back to the Wal-Mart, he could see Frank gathering weapons in the hunting aisle.

Simon walked through.

Just as he passed through the portal, a woah!-man shot him in the foot.

He didn't even wince.

He was too focused, for we was fighting vigo inside of himself and his body was on auto-pilot.

"You gotta..." said a half eaten man as he died from his Koala related wounds.

"Simon, what the hell's going on here?!" Castle yelled. "This is some Doctor Strange sh1t right here!"

"All is fine, Castle. We must stop the koalas. They're breeding out of a hardware store down the street. Let us make haste."

"What about that painting? How are we going to destroy it?"

"All in good time, my friend. All in good time."

* * * *

Somewhere there could be heard the maniacal chittering of koalas. They had assembled themselves to dance, make merry, and slaughter captive victims. They awaited the presence of their leader...Kelly Clarkson!

"Just when you thought I faded into obscurity you mother fukers!" she yelled as she sent forth the remaining koalas to feast upon human flesh.

Unbeknownst to her however, Riley Freeman and Uncle Ruckus were hiding behind a bookshelf behind her.

"Alright Ruckus, let's do this!" Riley said

"You mean do her...I think I got...the white feva'!!!" Ruckus pounced on Kelly before she could fight back. A scene of such primal savagery unfolded, but it wasn't the koalas feasting. Let's just say Kelly Clarkson was never the same.

Simon sliced and diced his way through the barrage of koalas while Castle felt like he was in a shooting gallery. But once Kelly Clarkson befell her fate, the koalas lost their focus and the threat was over.

"Good job, samurai." Castle said. "The town has been cleansed."

"Not just yet." And with that, Simon beheaded Uncle Ruckus.

"No!!!! Uncle Ruckus!" Riley screamed.

Castle pulled his gun on Simon. "What the f@*k did you just do, Simon?!"

"I am not Simon. I am Vigo, the scourge of Carpathia! These streets will flow with blood, blood of the weak and the innocent!"

Presently, Uncle Ruckus was temporarily resurrected as a talking pickle inside one of Riley's pockets.

"I hates it when this happens, Riley!" Uncle Ruckus squeaked. "You best be thinkin' of a way to un-pickle old Uncle Ruckus here".

Just then a portal opened and out walked Dave Chapplle.

"NO!! NOT YOU!!" Vigo yelled.

"HAH! Gotcha' b1tch!" Dave said. "And with these rocks I found you'll be seperated from Simon."

Dave pulled out what appeared to be white rocks from his pocket. He scratched himself for some reason. "I itch.." he said as he hurled a rock at Simon.

As soon as the rock hit Vigo' form came out of Simon's. Vigo tried to flee. Frank put a bullet in Vigo's kneecap causing him to collapse to the ground.

"NOOO!!! MY PLAN!!!" Vigo screamed.

Simon walked up to Vigo, sword in hand. "As my good friend Jay would always say...SNOOTCH TO THE DOOTCH!!" and with that simon cut Vigo into many pieces.

"That was pretty nice, but I'd a' ripped his spine out his @ss!" Dave Chapelle said.

"What are we gonna do about the pickle?" Frank asked.

A gorgeous red haired lady strutted by, heading for Wal Mart.

From inside Riley's pocket : "I think I'll stay a pickle just a wee bit longa! Follow that tail!"

As they re-entered the Wal Mart, Simon and Castle froze as they saw the painting of Vigo remained.

"How?"

"I believe that we have stopped him from transmuting into flesh, and can do so again, but we do not have the means to destroy him completely. His evil is tied to the painting."

"And our weapons don't make a dent."

Then, a paint can floated across the aisle and hit Riley in the head.

"We need some professional help."

"Who you gonna call?"

We're gonna go call Dr. Phil!

And since Dr Phil’s hotline was a rip off, the people got pissed and sent Jamie Kennedy and Steven Segal on a journey to find the source (Oprah).

As they set out on thier journey they kept thinking to themselves "I'm missin' LOST right now,"

But there was more important events unfolding that soon would lead to the creation

Of the plans to destroy the painting. Back at the Wal-Mart, 5 men walked in all with big back packs.

"Who are you guys?" asked Frank

"We're the ghostbusters."

"Oooh you mean from that show Mythbusters?" Huey asked.

"No, Ghost busters...stand back guys." they aimed thier weapons and....

They shot the box set of TGTTM, as people watched and cried, the police officers say "Good shot!"

Egon grimaced. "I have a suggestion. We should cross the steams."

"Wait, Egon." Venkman said. "I thought you said crossing the streams was bad?"

"I have an idea." Simon said. "Channel your beams into my sword" Simon unsheathed his sword and held it up.

"Well...let's do it!" Venkman said as the Ghostbusters shot their beams at Simon's swod.

"Holy sh1T!" Simon said as he felt the power. His sword ablaze, glowing different colors.

The Painting started to shake.

"Slice it now!" Egon said as everyone ducked for cover.

Simon ran full throttle at the painting and sliced the painting in half. He sheathed his sword and backed up.

The severed painting seemed to be shrinking into a black hole.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" came a voice as the black hole enveloped the painting and then exploded outward into an array of blue sparks then blinding light.

When the dust settled, the painting and the remaining koalas, were gone. Simon, Frank, Riley, Huey, Pickle Rukus, Dave Chappelle, and The Ghostbusters were all left sitting in the middle of the electronics section.

"SHAZAM!!!" Chapelle cheered.

"We came we saw we kicked it's @ss!!!" Venkman yelled.

As the Ghostbusters busted out some brew, Simon left. Castle noticed and chased after him. "You leaving, huh? Job's done, time to move on. I know exactly how you feel."

"I was used by that monster to kill. Not something easily lived with. My greatest fear has always been losing control, and now I have."

"It wasn't your fault."

"That doesn't erase it, though. Take care, Castle."

And with that, Simon was gone, walking the Earth once again.

* * * *

Somewhere, a small man with a Romanian accent began painting a picture of Carpathian. A Carpathian named Vigo.



THE END...?