#18 - Jay & Silent Bob's Last Gleaming/ Re-Hashed

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Jay and Silent Bob's Last Gleaming

or

The Matrix Re-Hashed



By Kameleon333, Rebel Walrus, Sparksunderscore, countfrylock, Mr Thursday Night, Runescapian, PallWall, Invida, Daemon Seedlet, The Killer Dynamo, SOCOMSoldier017 and WhatBombsAtMidnight

"And since we got no place to go - Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!"

A crowbar flew through the sky and demolished the speaker.

"Yo, it's not even Thanksgiving yet and they gotta be blasting that sh1t, Silent Bob." Vampire Jay remarked as his hetero life mate picked up his crowbar. "Silent Bob, you know what I want for Christmas?"

Silent Bob pulled out a life sized blow up doll of Aurora Snow.

"Besides that, tubby. I wanna be human again. No more blood **bleep** and all that."

Before Silent Bob could sympathize, a truck pulled up and unloaded a trailer right in front of Silent Bob and Vampire Jay. Vampire Jay, being curious in nature, approached the trailer's doors. When he opened them he discovered a black hole that s*cked everything in existence into it, yes... even god.

On the flipside, Jay awoke. Nothing seemed different. He checked the vitals: his **bleep**. Intact. His **bleep**. Intact. His **bleep**. Still intact.

"What happed, Silent Bob?"

They both looked up into the sky to see...Big Fat Chickens Flying In The Sky

Seated on the head chicken was none other than Christopher Walken.

The chicken swooped down and Walken plucked the head off of an infant with his powerful grip.

"Sh1t yo! I thought Blade killed that fool! We gotta hide!" Jay said as he and Silent Bob ducked into a carnival across the street.

As Jay and Bob skulked through the carnival, Jay came across a machine with a bust of a gypsy man inside of it. It was mechanical and it read above on a sign "Zanzinni the Great."

Below that it read "Make one wish...it'll come true".

A kid strikingly similar to Tom Hanks was in front of it.

Jay threw the kid across the street.

"I wish I wasn't no vampire no more!" Jay said.

Nothing.

"Fuking things a piece of sh1t it doesn't work!"

Silent Bob turned around and bumped into someone...someone big and red.. and with horns.

"Sorry bout' that man" said a gruffy voice.

Silent Bob stood stunned as he looked up at an eight foot giant of a man...or creature. It's skin was read. It had a samurai'ish hair style top knot and what appeared to be horns except they were filed down. One arm was normal while the other was larger and looked to be made of stone.

"Yo mother fuk-holy god! yo lunchbox it's hellboy!"

And he quickly died from Sean Connery basicly being too superior to him. Jay then decided the best way to remove his vampirism was to whip it out right there right then. After seeing a bearded woman and getting mildly exited they both got a ride to county holding. But an interesting coincidental plot device a cowboy was also in holding. He used his country charm and bafda.ss boots to pay their bail and the three left together. Chewbacca was there too but he was pretty quiet about the whole thing. So after being jailed and the rather painful mandatory **bleep** rape they decided they needed some soup.

So, after a trip to subway and the shocking revelation that subway has bad everything (besides free bread for ducks) they went to Russia. After realizing that jay was a vampire Stalin sent the SPETSNAZ out to get them...*ERROR 404!* flashed in front of Jay's vision again as code streamed downward.

Bob and Hellboy looked at Jay in his stupor curiously. Meanwhile Silent Bob told Hellboy the whole Matrix story Blade had told them.

"So ALL of this ain't real?" Hellboy asked

Silent Bob nodded.

"Yo, man, that matrix stuff is mad glitchin'! What's goin on?!"

*****************************************************************



Morpheus and Neo were in the machine city trying to find the source of the problem. The war was over between the two sides but as with all wars tension was still in the air.

A series of bugs and glitches had been reported by some of the machines and Morpheus and Neo overheard and decided to fix it as a gesture of good will and friendship.

"The source of the problem seems to be an overload in information, almost like there is too much of something in the system..." Morpheus said.

"Agents?" Neo asked

"No, they've been de activated due to no more war. Anyone who finds out and wants to be free can be free." Morpheus replied.

Neo/keannu thought of his adventures with all his different friends throughout the Matrix. The war with Emiril, Mike, Steve, Bentleyville, Chuck Norris.

"I've got it. All the people we met were from different realities...different Matrixes. I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I think all of the universes are overlapping causing a flux in the system." Neo said.

"Well, that begs the question of who's behind it?" Morpheus asked.

"There can be only one person....Walken."

*****************************************************************



Actually...it was Chicken Boo disguised as Christopher Walken.

'He kicks-**bleep**!'-Jay said.

'He's a **bleep** giant chicken!'-Neo said.

'Ah, Chicken Boo. That Big **bleep**in' Chicken'-The BK jingle starts playing.

"It all makes sense!" Jay yelled. "One time me and Silent Bob were on the run, and we thought we were being chased by Dog the bounty hunter, but it was really a big chicken!"

"No, I think it's just a glitch in the Matrix."

"It's a chicken boo, yo!"

Shooting Jay a contrary look, Neo asked with disdain, "Could you BE any stupider? I thought being in the Matrix would have meant you had SOME intelligence."

Just then, the giant chicken let out a squawking growl.

"Whoa," said Neo.

Jay responded, "Wow, really intelligent, fleshwaste. NOW what do we do?!"

Neo replied "WOah."

The chicken ignored them and walked by.

Morpheus turned to Jay. "How did you get here?"

"Hell if I know, bald dude."

"All I care about is getting out of here." Hellboy replied. "I'm not missing Thanksgiving dinner."

"I have a feeling that we need to find a way to permanently delete the matrix."

* * * * *

Skeletor was asleep on his sofa in SnakeMountain, dreaming about The Matrix. He awoke to see Zombie Heyzeus at his feet. "Jezus jumped up- you gotta stop doing that, turtle!"

"Our friends from Slow Earth are in trouble. The Matrix they're trapped in is overlapping."

"Good. Maybe some of them will actually get laid."

"Doubt it," Zombie Heyzeus replied.

"Hey, what ever happened to all those zombies we keep meeting up with?" Said Skeletor.

"Oh yeah, the Robots took care of em' after they killed all of Siberia"

Suddenly, Skeletor jumped from his sofa

"Holy Snacky Cakes, Its Thanksgiving!" He yelled

"So, we don't celebrate that on SnakeMountain, we celebrate Opra Day" said Zombie Heyzeus

"That doesn't matter, if I don't get to the most evil being in the universe's house, there will be heck to pay, heck tell ya'!"

"Who is that?" Zombie Heyzeus said questioning who could cause Skeletor this much fear.

"Nana Skeletor" he replied....

*********************************

"Woah, so you're saying that the machine wars are over?" Silent Bob suddenly asked aloud. Recieving an elbow by Jay.

"Yep, but as with all wars there is still some hostility. We gotta stop Walken. Or both this world and the real world, will be forever gone. He's also causing the space time contium to overlap thus we have Hellboy here and you two as well as all those other people from the lawsuit wars; however they have been returned to their respective worlds."

"Dag man, that sh1t is triflin' we gotta stop that fool Walken!" Jay said.

"Maybe ya'lls need our help niyuca!" said voice.

"Oh snap!" said Neo. "It's the RZA, fo shizza, the ghost faste killa, inspecta' death, the WU TANG KLAN!!!"

"We's here to help yalls mane! We was on tour then all this funky space time sh1t has us trippin' see? We down with stoppin' that ole' bond villain punk!" Ghost face said.

"dudda dudda dudda" said ole dirty b4stard.

"Well with the amounted firepower we might stand a chance, but we'll need even more." Morpheus said.

"Skeletor."

Skeletor was lounging on a beach in Hawaii when...

A burrow knocks over Skeletor...and out comes Bugs Bunny replying 'PismoBeach and all the clams we could eat'!

"What in the hell just happened?" Skeletor asked.

"must be those glitches in the Matrix." said a voice.

"No...it can't be.." Skeltor said.

It was Walken.

"I understand your predicament, Keldor. Born of evil, years spent crusading for conquest, yet pure laziness has softened you, put you off of evil. But the time is ripe for your return. Join me, and the rewards will be limitless."

"Christopher Walken, when you enter SnakeMountain, you better take yer shoes off, because if you don't..."

Walken looked down to see his shoes on and the floor gave way beneath him.

"...I drop yer **bleep** into the abyss."

"He'll be back." Zombie Hayzeus said.

"No sh1t, but anyone who disrupts my HawaiianIsland simulator deserves a roundtrip to nowhere."

Walken was falling down into an abysmal darkness. He had been falling for twenty minutes straight and he had decided to pull out the Wall St. Journal.

"I wonder when I'll hit the bot-" Walken landed not hard, but rather softly on something unseen

"Where am I?" he said as he looked around. His surroundings were similar to that of a train station, however, things were confusingly out of order.

Green code scrolled continuously down one door, sections of wall were missing fading into blackness, things floated in random space: A park bench floated, a broken mirror re broke and corrected itself.

"This must be a crashed sub system within the Matrix..." Walken thought.

Walken thought he heard a train coming. He leaned in to see...

The train pulled up in front of Walken. It was no ordinary train however...the front car was old but the passenger cars were modern and constantly changing, and the insides looked pitch black.

A rather shaggy looking man stepped out. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Hey! You better watch your tone. The way you?re talking to me is all wrong. Talk like that again, and I'll stab you in the face with a sauldering iron!"

"Oh really..." said the shaggy man. Suddenly the man shifted his weight and punched Walken into the wall.

Walken got up unharmed but was shaken.

"I know who you are." said the man. "I am the conductor and if you want to know how to defeat your would be dispatchers you'll listen to me very carefully."

* * * *
Days later...

"Move it, lunch box!" Vampire Jay yelled as he and Silent Bob ran out of the Southerwest Power Plant as it began to explode. They got in a car with Morpheus and peeled out as the entire compound went up in flames.

"Good work, gentlemen."

"So, was that a strike against Walken?"

"No, actually a rather embarrassing news report was to air in five minutes but now the city will not see it."

"Some of the glitches have died down...but I feel something far worse is on the horizon" Morpheus said.

"Like Beatle Borgs?" asked Jay

"No, I haven seen or heard from Walken in a day, he must be up to something."

"Well whatever it is we'll kick his @**bleep**, I mean, your black, Silent bob's an instrument of god, and I just plain rule." Jay said as they sped down the free way.

"We have to find another way to strike against Walken," said Morpheus

"We need some kinda super squad," said Jay

"We need The A Team."

* * * *
"Get those fools in the van!" BA shouted as Face and Murdock herded twelve Ewoks into their black van.

Hannibal was laying down cover fire to hold back the rushing Mimes. "Those mute ba$tards don't stop coming!"

Suddenly, a blast of napalm from above obliterated the mime army. Hannibal looked up to see a Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaking. "Yo, youse the A-Team?!" came a voice over a loudspeaker.

"Yeah. And you are?"

"I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob. We need your help to stop Christopher Walken from taking control of the Matrix and turning all of us into vampires."

Hannibal just stared up at the ship. "You sound like you're on crack, boy."

"No sir they are absolutely right." said Morpheus.

"Holy crap! cowboy curtis! You were my idol as a kid!" hannaibal said.

Suddenly more mimes started pouring in from the streets.

"Get on!" Morpheus yelled.

"Might as well man..said Mr. T."

The A team got on the bird of prey just as the mimes filled the entire area.

"Sit down please." morpheus said. "I'll try to explain everything as simply as possible."

"Christopher Walken is crazy."

"That's as simple as it gets."

Jay followed up Morpheus's explanation. "Walken knows we're coming after him. He may try to change his surroundings to his advantage. Be prepared for anything." Suddenly, the Bird of Prey lost engine control and crashed into what looked like a giant palace. The team was sent flying off, but with Neo's help managed to land safely on a walkway several meters away from the palace's main entrance. Along the way were various machinations, and near the entrance there appeared to be a mutated priest fighting a hodgepodge of unruly citizens. Jay looked around.

"Hey, that weird priest-like dude looks like Walken! Let's get him!"

"Not so fast, Jay. We need a plan." Morpheus sensed that this fight wouldn't operate under the normal laws of physics.

"To hell with a plan. There's Christopher Walken, busy fighting some random guys, and we're here to kick his **bleep**. Let's go already!"

With that, Jay, Silent Bob, Hellboy, and the A-Team charged blindly through the machina standing between them and their target...

They quickly kicked the **bleep**es of the the unruly citizens surrounding Walken.

Jay and Silent Bob then slammed Walken against the wall of the palace.

"What's your deal messin with the Matrix!"

"You don't....Understand" He said

Just as Jay was about to punch him right in the face, Morpheus stopped him

"He might have something to say "

"The whole universe.... is in dire trouble,"

"Yeah we know, that's why we're here to kill you!" Jay said.

"WAIT!!" Morpheus said. "Let him talk, if it smells like BS stories we'll waste him."

"Thank you Morpheus. While I was done fighting you guys in Jersey for the Umbrella Corp, I came into contact with a certain man named the conductor. I fell through a glitch world in the Matrix and met him. He told me that the only way to dispacth my would be dispatchers, you guys, was to side with you in order to stop the real culprit behind it all....the architect."

"My god." Morpheus said. "The very creator of the Matrix."

"The conductor said the architect is causing all these events to happen everything from the beginning of the surge revolt in that town to today's events. All the strange happenings have been because of him. All the characters we've met. He is gonna try and crash the matrix thus rebooting it and restoring it to normal."

"well that's a good thing right?" Jay asked

"No, millions upon billions of people will die, the entire machine city and the human world could be destroyed as well."

"No..." Morpheus said.

"The conductor also sent me a message from the architect. It said he wanted to destroy us...and he wanted our bananna puddin' and doooohhhh!"

"Hey that sounds kinda like Bill Cosby." Jay said with a smile. His smile faded as the group stared at him.

"Well whoever it is we have got to stop him. He's located at the top floor of the Bannana Pudding Corporate building." Walken said.

"All the events that have happened from you two stoners meeting the knights, to the wars with emiril and the surge revolt. It has all come down to his bidding. I feel that this day holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives." Morpheus said. "Let's go."

"Like I've said before you guys, the whole freaking world is against us dude I swear to god." Jay said as they headed toward the end, toward the last battle, toward cosby, and toward the bannana puddin'....dohh...

********************************************************

[whatbombsatmidnite]

[part 2]

SnakeMountain

"What am I doing here, Keldor?" asked Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, Guardian of Lucky Earth.

"Ask him." Skeletor said, pointing down at Zombie Heyzeus, man-eating turtle and Guardian of Quebec .

"Slow Earth is in for a shock." Zombie Heyzeus said. "The Matrix they're submerged in is about to completely crash. Their atmosphere cannot support life as we know it. When they crash the matrix, the pods their bodies are encapsuled in will open and they'll wake up, and then they'll die of suffocation."

"Which is sort of what happened here, but we've gotten by." Skeletor added.

"You plundered from the survivors for a century." Heyzeus said.

"You guard your realm your way, I'll guard my realm my way."

Heyzeus turned his attention back to IronMan. "You reversed the devestation Emeril did to Lucky Earth. Do you have what it takes to save Slow Earth?"

"Maybe. I just might."

Skeletor was fighting with his cable box. "You wouldn't happen to have on demand, either, would you?"

Iron Man responded, tired disbelief heavy in his voice. "No, I don't have On Demand."

Zombie Heyzeus adds, "Skeletor, this is not the time to be concerned with ordering porn! We have a world to save!"

"No no, it's not that at all! Jamiroquai is holding a pay-per-view concert tonight from Tel Aviv, and I'm not going to miss it!"

"JAMIROQUAI? Why didn't you say so?!" Iron Man leapt to the entertainment center, quickly opening and re-wiring the cable box to descramble all incoming signals for free. "That should do the trick!"

"Are you kidding me?" Heyzeus asked incredulously.

"Slow Earth can be remade, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime deal!" Skeletor protested. "Now, it's not on for an hour, so we have time to kill..."

The ferrous one and the skeletal one exchange a glance.

"Porn?"

"Porn."

Heyzeus rolls his eyes. "I claim no knowledge of you two." He begins to crawl towards the door, knowing he is Slow Earth's only hope.

===========

On a distant world light years away, Bo Jackson's head explodes for no apparent reason.

Bo knows Death.

* * * *



Hellboy leaned against the wall. Why the hell do I get stuck waiting at the car? That's when eighteen mace wielding mimes appeared. "Ah, crap."

* * * *

Back on Slow Earth

Jay, Bob, Morpheus, and Walken headed into the lobby of the Banana Pudding factory.

"Well, all we need is an elevator or stairs and we're good to go." Walken said.

"You'll need more than that to get where your going." said a voice

The group turned around to see a small Asian fellow with a rather large ring of keys.

"I am the keymaker, if you are looking for the architect then follow me. I have the keys to where you need to go."

"Yo man..why the hell should we trust you!" Jay yelled.

"Well my friend because I clean this building and I am an exiled program of the architect, let's just say you guys are the way of settling my score with him...snootch to the dootch Jay."

"...yeah he's cool" Jay said. The group headed toward an elevator and boarded. It seemed like forever that they were in it. Kenny G played over the speakers as Silent Bob slowly danced. Jay nudged him with his shoulder. "Don't tell me you like that crap.." Jay said. Suddenly Morse Day and the Time came on. "That's more like it." Jay said.

"You have some strange friends.." the Keymaker said to Morpheus. "Yeah I know...I've been with stranger ones though." Morpheus replied. Suddenly the music over the speaker stopped and Bill Cosby's voice came on the speaker.

"Yous fellows have no way of stoppin' me. I brought you into this world and I can take you out and make another one just like you."

The elevator doors opened and they were in a hallway with doors lining the walls hundreds of them almost a mile long. At the end was the only red door among the green ones.

"All of these doors lead to different universes." The Keymaker said.

"I wonder how all of the other super celebs are doin." Silent Bob thought.

Suddenly all of the doors opened and out came Agent Smith.

"Been here done that" Morpheus thought as they all guarded the Keymaker.

"We have been waiting for you we are the alpha to your omega. The beginning to your end." All of the Smith's said.

"THE MOVIE’S OVER, RETARDS!!" Said a voice. The smiths and the heroes turned to see Saint Bishop emerger from one of the doors. He wielded a huge cross with US Army Artillery engraved on the side in black letters. Behind him came IronMan.

"You!" Smith said.

"D4mn skippy...get down you guys." bishop said.

Jay, Bob, Morpheus, the Key maker and Walken hit the deck.

"Snootch to the dootch mother fukers!" Bishop said as Iron Man used his energy beam to link to Bishop's cannon.

The room went dark as the only light came from Bishop's cannon. An enormous blasts shot out vaporizing everything in the hallway.

When the light receded all of the smith's were gone.

"Thank you Bishop." Morpheus said.

"No problem, just get to that door at the end." Iron man said. With that he and bishop went back into their doors and were gone.

Behind the group in the elevator they heard voices...lots of them.

"Smiths" Morpheus said. "RUN!" The group hauled @ss toward the end of the hallway. The elevator bursts through the hallway as the Smith's had linked swarmed out of the elevator shaft. They simultaneously pointed their firearms at the group. Just as The key maker closed the door the smith's opened fire. Bullets tore through the door and into the Key maker.

"D4mnit...not again..." The keymaker said. "Take this." the keymaker gave Morpheus and the group a single key. "That door over there is where you will find the Architect." and with that the Keymaker breathed his last breath.

"D4mn yo. this is it." Jay said.

"Indeed" Silent Bob said. Jay nudging him. the group unlocked the door and they were consumed by a blinding light.

What the team saw before them was nearly indescribable. Bill Cosby was standing atop a freakish-looking flying behemoth with a multitude of purple eyes, brownish-grey skin, a beaklike mouth, and fins. The behemoth launched living scales from its back to attack the intruders.

Jay shouted in anger, "Get down here and fight us you f---ing coward!"

Cosby made a declaration. "You ain't gonna win with that sour attitude! Well, you ain't gonna win anyway but biddy-ba-doo ya might as well try. C'mon, little fellas, show me what you got!"

Jay was about to snap. "What the hell is this crap? What the hell are you goin' on about? What the hell are you standing on? Why the hell won't you fight us yourself?"

Cosby didn't respond, but instead sunk into the behemoth's body. The scales unfurled into tiny winged creatures ready to attack.

"We called it 'Sin'." A man in his early 30s wearing a red jacket on one arm and carrying a giant sword walked casually from behind the A-team. "Looks like you might need my help."

The stupidity of the situation was too much for Jay. "Who the f--- are you? And what could you possibly do with that **bleep** of a weapon? We f---ing need firepower!" At the same time, BA went for his guns, but Mr. T stopped him. "BA you foo', calm down! This red-coated fool might actually prove useful."

"Quite the temper I see. Before I answer your question, answer mine. Why is BevellePalace a banana-pudding factory?"

Jay shot back, "I don't know! How the hell am I supposed to know? Bill Cosby must be messing with the code in the Matrix or something."

"Hm. And who is this Bill Cosby?"

Morpheus explained the situation to the mysterious man.

"I see. So he must be responsible for the recent surge of fiend activity. I can assume he's also res--look out!" With that, the red-coat smote several living scales that chose that moment to attack Jay. "No time for talking! We attack!"

Jay was impressed. "Well, I'll be d**ned. Red-coat's got skills." Neo agreed, saying "woah".

"The name's Auron. Now shut up, cut the ones that matter, and move in!"



What the team saw before them was nearly indescribable. Bill Cosby was standing atop a freakish-looking flying behemoth with a multitude of purple eyes, brownish-grey skin, a beaklike mouth, and fins. The behemoth launched living scales from its back to attack the intruders.

Jay shouted in anger, "Get down here and fight us you f---ing coward!"

Cosby made a declaration. "You ain't gonna win with that sour attitude! Well, you ain't gonna win anyway but biddy-ba-doo ya might as well try. C'mon, little fellas, show me what you got!"

Jay was about to snap. "What the hell is this crap? What the hell are you goin' on about? What the hell are you standing on? Why the hell won't you fight us yourself?"

Cosby didn't respond, but instead sunk into the behemoth's body. The scales unfurled into tiny winged creatures ready to attack.

"We called it 'Sin'." A man in his early 30s wearing a red jacket on one arm and carrying a giant sword walked casually from behind the A-team. "Looks like you might need my help."

The stupidity of the situation was too much for Jay. "Who the f--- are you? And what could you possibly do with that **bleep** of a weapon? We f---ing need firepower!" At the same time, BA went for his guns, but Mr. T stopped him. "BA you foo', calm down! This red-coated fool might actually prove useful."

"Quite the temper I see. Before I answer your question, answer mine. Why is BevellePalace a banana-pudding factory?"

Jay shot back, "I don't know! How the hell am I supposed to know? Bill Cosby must be messing with the code in the Matrix or something."

"Hm. And who is this Bill Cosby?"

Morpheus explained the situation to the mysterious man.

"I see. So he must be responsible for the recent surge of fiend activity. I can assume he's also res--look out!" With that, the red-coat smote several living scales that chose that moment to attack Jay. "No time for talking! We attack!"

Jay was impressed. "Well, I'll be d**ned. Red-coat's got skills." Neo agreed, saying "woah".

"The name's Auron. Now shut up, cut the ones that matter, and move in!"

Cosby hopped out of the creature's **bleep** and retreated through another door.

Morpheus summoned a katana and loaded a program on how to use it. Him and Auron went to work on the creature. They cut off scales one by one. "You and Bob go after Cosby!" Morpheus yelled chopping scales like Nino brown with his shanking knife of XMAS eve. Jay and Bob ran after Cosby and followed him. As they opened the door they stepped into a white room with TVs surrounding them, all of them playing Cosby re-runs. Bill sat in an arm chair in front of Jay and bob. Another door lay ahead of them.

"Welcome to this here construct. I as you know am Bill Cosby!"

"Yeah we know, and we're here to kick your lilly head in!" Jay yelled.

"Now before you go doin' that hear me out."

Silent Bob looked at Jay and nodded.

"Alright...but you got a minute!"

"All of the events leading up to this very moment have all been planned. Everything from the surge factory and my good ole buddy Emeril to the fight just outside that door. All of this has been planned to involve the two of you. You two are the key to stopping the Matrix from crashing. We figured you two stoner boys into the equation right after I saw you enter the Bird of Prey. "

"Yeah, that thing rocks doesn't it!?" Jay said.

"Let me continue, you two have something special about you. You always manage to witness or be apart of amazing events and come out unharmed or alive for that matter. You two have the gift just as Neo did to bring an end to all of this. Beyond the door behind me will lead to a massive reboot of the matrix. All of the errors will be restored as well as people to their respectable universes. The other door leads to the battle outside and the inevitable death of the people in those pods. You see, the pods are on a planet with no more oxygen left on it. When they wake up...they are all dead. Entire crops will be lost. So the predicament is so adequately narrowed down toward choice. The rebooting of the matrix…or the death of you and your friends as well as innocent people.

"Wait a second." Silent Bob said.

Jay looked in disbelief.

"Can it dumb**bleep**." Silent Bob said to Jay. "Cosby, either way those people are gonna die b/c the matrix will reboot either way all those people and us die...except you. Which leads me to bring to the table another choice, we kill you and your dumb banana pudding eating @ss and fix the problem blunt man and chronic style."

With that Jay and Bob transformed into Bluntman and Chronic.

"'Snootch to the dootch. the sh1t is going down." bob/chronic said.

Jay knocked Cosby in the air with a uppercut. Silent Bob used the force to hold him in mid air.

Jay and Bob walked over to the control center of the TVs. A button read. "Reboot in safe mode."

"That's the only fuking thing that's made sense in a long time." Jay said.

"Snootch to the dootch" Silent bob said as they both pressed the button.

A voice on an intercom said. "Building self destruct will commence in countdown t minus 5 minutes."

"Let's go get the others." Silent bob said.

"What about me?" Cosby said floating in mid air.

"Well your going to end up like your career did. In flames...and banana pudding." Silent Bob said.

"Creme Rule' b1tch!" Jay said as they headed back to Morpheus and the gang.

*****************************************************************


"Morpheus, lets go!" said Jay running out of the architect’s door.

"Did you fix the Matrix!"

"Calm It Down, son! We fixed it, but this building is gonna blow to sh!t, we have to get out now!"

They just made it out when the building exploded.

"You did it! You two stoners fixed the Matrix!"

"No problem,"

"All is not well," said a voice behind them.

It was IronMan.

"Did you guys make sure to hit the "clear errors button first?"

"...uh....yeah?" Jay said.

"Mother fuk!" Morpheus yelled. "Well now it'll reboot, but with the same errors again, you basically just restarted the computer.

"my bad yo." Silent Bob said.

"Wait...I can fix it, dudes and metal people" said a voice. It was Angel Keannu

"Oh great, a tri-factor from hell, three stooges." Iron Man sighted.

"Remember Cosby telling you guys you had the power...well so do I. If we combine them, we can fix all the errors, but with a price."

"Well, what's that? Two blunts and a gatorade?" Jay said.

"Nah man (though that would be sweet.) you have to die." Keannu said.

"Aww weak..well wait..we'll go to heaven right?" Jay asked.

"duhh, even I knew that and I'm Keannu Reeves!"

"Dude, Silent Bob there's all kinds of fiiiine @**bleep** b1tches in heaven!"

Silent Bob nodded excitedly wide eyed.

"And you get to be angels like me and come visit your friends." Keannu said.

"Well...that's kinda g4y...but whatever. What do we do?" Silent Bob asked.

"Just join hands" Keannu said as he Jay and Silent Bob joined hands.

"After we reboot this b1atch there's no turning back, we may never cross path's again." Morpheus said.

"Well…snootch to the dootch my n1gga." Jay said. Silent Bob rolling his eyes as the three were engulfed in light and disappeared.

The whole Matrix world started to unravel revealing code, then raveling again. "Thank you, friend." Morpheus said to Iron Man shaking his hand.

"No problem"

Morpheus stood alone in the street, people walking by, the banana pudding factory however was gone, there stood another structure which made Morpheus laugh.

It was a giant Statue of Jay and Silent Bob. Below it on the base was inscribed: "This monument is dedicated to setting things right with the world. Snootch to the Dootch."

Morpheus laughed out loud as he turned and walked away. The Matrix and everything else was finally set straight...for now.



*****************************************************************


Iron Man hovered over the dead landscape of Slow Earth. Machines flew past him and set down on the ground below. The machines were atmospheric generators and they said 'Stark Enterprises' on the side. They also said 'Drink Pepsi' and 'Just Do It.'



* * * *



Skeletor was watching Royal Rumble when Heyzeus joined him.

"The crisis on Slow Earth has stabilized...for now."

"Yippie."

"It begs the question, though, where is Robert? He was chosen to be the Guardian of Slow Earth, yet during a crisis, he did not appear."

"He's probably watching the Rumble, too. Leave the kid alone. Tri-Clops, fetch me my bunny slippers!"



* * * *



Jay opened his eyes and saw nothing but white clouds and marshmallows. Silent Bob was laying on top of a marshmallow, eating it.

"Yo, lunchbox! We made it, son! We be in heaven now!" That's when it hit Jay. He poked the tip of his inscisor. "I'm not a vampire anymore!"

A large set of gates opened and Tenacious D played some rockin' chords as two young models escorted Jay and Silent Bob to peace.

* * * *

Hellboy stood over the pile of dead mimes, out of breath and bleeding on his favorite jacket. "Next time, Morpheus can watch the car."



THE END