#1 - Re-emergence at Suddville/Emeril Evil Bakings

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Re-Emergence at Suddville

or

The Evil Bakings of Emeril

by

C-Rod, Invida, the can, SOCOMSoldier017, DaemonSeedlet, Captain Planet, ATHFFan12, GtxJack, Alchemistress, Oman1, RyanfromtheShire, Spawn112233 and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

As the sun set behind the hills of Suddville, an odorous fog crept towards the town from the giant deadly gas factory atop the hill. The entire town perished. Years later, after several failed attempts to turn a profit and convert the town into an ostrich farm, several young hellions spray-painted graphic scenes on the sides of the abandoned bakery, where it was told That five thousand dead (and some living) babies were made into some of the most delicious, sumptous doughnuts by Satan himself, with the help of Bob Marley. These hellions, five in total, had planned to reopen the bakery so as to fall into Satan's good graces, if such a thing existed. They had schooled themselves in the dark arts of baking, even taking Weight Watcher classes for research. It was not long before...

Emeril, their teacher would school them in how to make the ultimate recipe of evil: his signature spice - essence!

The spice-essence, treasure of the universe, had been single-handidly responsible for the lives lost on the beaches of Aruba during the silent war between Angels and Film Producers, and Emeril sought to sow his evil farther, until not even the immortal team of Chuck Norris, Skeletor and Hulk Hogan could withstand this pure evil. Then Emeril would become an immortal himself. Chuck, Hulk, and Skeletor had no chocie but to attempt to stop him. It was a dark and stormy night when they infiltrated his fortress. They ripped off the heads of guards, and the foul beasts which Emeril controlled. Emeril sat in his dark throneroom, looking into the eyes of the skull of Conan the Barbarian. All the sudden, he heard a loud THUD! He looked up, and heard it again. This time, the great oak door to his throneroom shook. He could hear guards screaming in pain. All the sudden, the door burst open. Chuck Norris stood there. Next to him was a blood-covered Hulk Hogan and Skeletor, holding a smoking staff.

"Norris, Hogan, Skeletor," Emeril said, "I have been expecting you..." They all sat down to tea AND THEN... 'I think I pooped my pants." The effects of the tea were varied. Norris lost his vision, Hogan lost control of his bowels, only Skeletor, evil wizard extradinare resisted its power. He raised his staff in defiance at Emeril. "We do not drink tea at SnakeMountain, baker!" From that day on Emeril knew that his goal in life was to outwit the ole bonehead. It was his student bakers, his little hellions, who laid the trap in the abandoned town. "This time, it shall be different. this time..."...I will not allow myself to be distracted with an excursion to WhiteCastle. I will not be wrapped up with some dame who knows every word to 'One Week.' I will destroy Skeletor, and his little dog, too!"

"He doesn't have a dog, sir. He has a panther."

Emeril unleashed the fury of hell at his student and turned his student into a burger.

Meanwhile, the Iron Chef Grandmaster, the leader of the trio of good guys, was concocting a balsamic reduction sauce to use as a potion against a possible invasion of Suddville. More so, Chuck Norris's oracle, the mighty Todd, foretold that the Iron Chef Grandmaster would have to make a sacrifice if good was to triumph. The Grandmaster shuddered at the thought of sacrificing any of his men, but he reserved himself to the task.

Weeks later, the hellions were ready, and the dogs of war were officially unleashed when dawn broke and free donuts were distributed to the masses - which amounted to no more than eight squirrels, a roaming gnome, and two college students. (It's an abandoned town, remember?) The donuts contained a contagious form of the spice, and the infected spread it to the @sses of those who ingested it, true evil was known by the bowels of those to recieve free doughnuts that day, and they swam in a sea of boiling sh*t eternally, the odor bringing back fond memories of the factory on the hill, memories not even a dancing baby could erase. The stench the infection generated was so foul that Mr T sponsered a march against it. They were unsucessful.

It spread throughout Eastern Europe, and eventually hit the Atlantic coast. Top scientists and researchers were baffled. But not the Iron Chef Grandmaster. He knew the endgame had begun.

"We're going in." decreed Chuck Norris.

"We're going in hot, Hulkamaniacs!"

They hopped aboard their armored Clown Mobile and made their way towards the United Kingdom, where the Angry S hites assault team would rendevous with Hogan's heroes.

"We'll be in Suddville at 21:00 hours. Skeletor, remember stick to the plan. No funny stuff."

"What, like the time pushed He-Man into that incestuous love triangle with Teela/myself/and She-Ra?.....

"That's right, brother! No more of that."

With Angry S hites in tow, the forces of freedom neared Suddville, the odors that blanketed the town could be smelt miles away. Skeletor was uneffected.

Major Gesh, commanding officer of the Angry S hites, checked his watch. "8 o'clock. Missing Scottish Idol. Good."

Then, all of a sudden a hundred terminators came over the hill, all riding atop tyrnaosaurous rexes that were guarded by The pizzlyroboterminatrixbear. A cross between a polar, grizzly, and the robotic TJ read along teddy bears, it was the ultimate killing machine. Capapble of making the most formidable foe make Clay Aiken seem like Rambo.The Angry S hites turned and ran back to the beach, leaving Chuck Norris, Hulk Hogan, and Skeletor to face the terminators themselves. Chuck Norris removed his steel-brimmed cowboy hat and threw it into the mass of cybernetic death. The hat acted as a boomerang and decapitated their attackers.

"Good job, Oddjob." commented Skeletor. "But what about them?" The evil wizard pointed to the equal number of T-rexs the terminators had used as beasts of burden, one of which swallowed Skeletor.

"Borther!" Hogan yelled as he ran up to the T-rex and closed lined it. But, before he could further attack it, the T-rex's stomach exploded and Skeletor exited, sceptor smoking.

"That was the worst..."...thing I've ever seen since...""...since that time I caught Whiplash and Merman in the dungeon together."

Both turned their heads to see Norris dispensing swift-kick-ed justice to the legion of T-rexs. They fell like tumbleweeds before him.

"I've got to get that guy's trainer." Skeletor remarked.

The three of them together wiped the floor with the overgrown lizards, but they were not finished yet.



Emeril watched from a far off location, and hatched a devious plan...he went to his kitchen and made some magical cereal puffs...these were carried by his minions to the home of an 8 year old boy, who ate the cereal puffs without a thought...the boy, breakfast finished, went out to commit some mischeif, evil having gotten a hold of him...he snuck up behind skeletor, stuck a firecracker in his back, and snuck off...a moment later, skeletor was blown to smithereens, leaving the hulkster and Chuck Norris on their own.

"Good gravy, is he dead?" Hogan asked.

"He's an evil wizard, who knows?" Norris said. "Either way, we're on our own."

The Pizzlyroboterminatixbear towered above them, laser canons primed and bunny feet slippers fluffed. "Operation: Sing-A-Long Death!"

As it fired its weapons, it opened its mouth and sang his killing tune:

Behold my prey

My happy, jolly, tasty prey

I will chew, chew through their hides

O Mar-vel-ous day!



They quickly frolic away

My happy, jolly, tasty prey

My mother never really loved me

O Mar-vel-ous Day!



Chuck let his ears bleed and he turned to Hogan.

"Quick! Get your guitar and sing your entrance theme!"

Hogan pulled his guitar seemingly out of nowhere and begin to play the tune:



I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!



When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside,

ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide,

Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,

I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!



I feel strong about right and wrong,

And I don't take trouble for very long,

I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free,

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!



Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,

I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,

I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

The large menace let out a growl and all of a sudden tenacious D appeared and the beast asked, play the greatest song in the world...or I 'll eat your soul. And they played The Walker Texas Ranger theme song and Chuck Norris did the lyrics, but moments before the hulkster could strum a chord, his guitar, in an effort to save the universe from hulk Hogan singing, ate the hulkster right there and then Jack Black and his brother laughed out loud so hard that Jack Black's enourmous gearth shook so hard that it tore a hole in space and time and let the hulkster out of the gullet of the guitar. It also let Cowboy curtis and Mr. Rogers through, Cowboy curtis decked out in morpheus shades w/ jerry curls and a semi automatic uzi w/ unlimited ammo, Mr. rogers covered in Marine Corps tatoos and toting a M40A1 Sniper rifle. Mr. Rogers put the barrel of the rifle to the head of Chuck Norris and pulled the trigger. Little did he know that a robobear was appearing behind him...

An air raid siren blared, freezing the tense tune-off between the battling forces. All looked up to the sky in wonder. What method of madness is this? Norris thought. My commrades have fallen and I will follow them soon... unless I'm already dead...

Chuck took advantage of the distraction and leveled every breathing thing to nothing with his ole gattlin gun, 'Painless'. As he surveyed the damage, he saw above him a man like figure with one angel wing coming out of it's shoulder. The thing weilded a ten foot katana and.....

*plop* A bird flies by and plants one on his shoulder. The man weilding the Katana was none other than Lucy Lui's head in a jar atop a manequin's body. Then, a swarm of terminites devour her body, leaving her jarred head alone and afraid.

Norris looked to the swarm of termites to see Skeletor commanding them with his Havoc Staff. "Bring me her head!"

"Skeletor," Norris yelled. "It is good to have you back. We must now focus as to-"

"No. I do not wish to blow up again. I'm taking my very warm head and going home."

[drum shot]

Once again, it was Norris and Hogan, very much alive, versus the Pizzlyroboterminatrixbear.

"No songs this time. This time you die!"

Norris performed a series of roundhouse kicks and Hogan hit his patented Atomic Legdrop on the monster but for some reason the monster would not go down. It kept it's vertical base. What Norris and Hogan needed was a plan or Vasoline which they could rub betwixt themselves and keep from getting grabbed by the monster.

Then all of a sudden the US Coalition forces led none other than by Stephen Colbert came riding throught the battle ravaged scene in Tanks and pickup trucks filled with red necks wielding shotguns and all sporting Walker Texas Ranger memorphelia.

"We're here for ya, Chuck. Every American-lov'n unemployed man accounted for, dangly parts and all."

"Good. Here's what I want you to do. . . Deal with that!" Norris pointed to the Pizzlyroboterminatrixbear as he and Hogan ran towards Suddville.

Colbert turned to his troops. "You heard Walker! Charge!!!"

* * * *

Chuck Norris and Hulk Hogan walked through the silent town of Suddville, on high alert, expecting an attack as they neared the bakery.

Then they noticed the road ahead was blocked by a fallen zepplin.

"Not again!"

"Here," Norris said. "We can use the city sewer system."

"I'm not messing with no turtles, brother!"

Norris ignored Hulk's fear and pressed on, the screams of Colbert's league of unemployed men in the distance fading. He landed in the muck and turned on his flashlight. What he saw in front of him defied everything he ever believed in...

...everything he had ever dreamed of...

...everything he had ever been afraid of...

...everything he had ever paid for...

In front of his naked steamy eyes were a group of skandindly clad young ladies, all sporting nunchuks and roller blades. Each had a tatoo of Ronald McDonald with bat wings on their left arms. And their leader had on a leash a snarling, rabid reindeer. "This is Cleaver territory! Who dares trespass here?"

"I am Chuck Norris and this is-"

"The Hulkster!"

"You are both too old for our tastes. We must humiliate you both in combat."

"Why is that?"

"We are bored. We have read every book down here, cured cancer, sodomized every phalic object, and perfected our coffee making skills. We need recreation. And blood."

Norris and Hogan looked at each other. "There's only one thing to do...

Quickly, Norris and Hogan climbed back up to the street and replaced the manhole cover. "We were never there."

* * * *

When our heroes finally arrived at the bakery, they found it deserted. Pastries and dough lay about, trampled and squashed, creme filling dripping off the walls.

Are we too late? Did someone else beat us to them? Norris thought.

Then Hogan found a piece of paper on the counter. "It's an invoice, brother. For that factory on the hill."

"That must be where Emeril went."

"But how do we get up there?"

Then, Norris and Hogan punched each other's hand. "Wonder Twin powers: activate!"

"Form of a helicopter!" shouted Norris as he metamorphed into an Apache helicopter.

"Form of a mosquito!" Hogan yelled as he transformed into a small annoying bloodsucking insect.

Together, the two of them flew up the hill overlooking Suddville. As they neared the factory on the top, its automated defenses kicked it, unleashing...

a volley of spice-laced donut holes and crossaints. While Copter-Norris easily evaded these attacks, Mosquito Hogan kept getting knocked out of the air.

Norris made it to the gas factory and went in alone. "Emeril! I know you're here. Come out and taste justice!"

Emeril appeared above him, dropping from the evil catwalks with such an evil grace that even evil ballet wasn't quite evil enough. "Tea?"

"Not this time, Emeril."

"Very well."

Emeril snapped his fingers, and, all of a sudden......the factory house lights beemed on and the loading dock doors swung open. And in entered....















nothing.

"What?! Where the Scooby are my hellions?!"

With that, Skeletor rode in on Panthor. "I've had them all re-eductaed. They are now loyal to SnakeMountain and all its wonderous......joys, yeah. That sounds right."

Emeril turned to leave, but felt a pr ick in his but.





Mosquito Hogan transformed back into Hulk Hogan. "I s ucked on that, brother!"

As Emeril fell to the floor crying, Skeletor laid his hand on Norris' shoulder. "You fought well, Chuck Norris. Now, return with me to Eternia so we can conquer it."

"Conquering is wrong, Keldor."

"Have it your way, dweeb." With that, Skeletor and Panthor vanished in a flash of light.

Hogan threw Emeril over his shoulder. "Time to go to the proper authorities, baker-man."

"I'll have my revenge yet! I'll have it and a Turkey club, too!"

As the armored Clown Mobile returned to America, an odorous fog crept towards the town of Suddville...



THE END?