#3 - Destiny in Blar / Everyone Hates Emeril

[whatbombsatmidnite]

Destiny in Blar

or

Everybody Hates Emeril

by

TheKillerDynamo, Tisha Misha, SOCOMSoldier017, DaemonSeedlet, Invida, onoringo, RyanShireFolk, PaulOfYou, dajbman22, war heart85, Lord Fly Agaric, sparkswesterfield, and WhatBombsAtMidnight.

The sound of waves crashing did little to fart, at least that's how very *friendly* personvana thought of the sound the crashing water made. She still missed her father, but it paled in comparison to boobs.

Then Jebus said: "Go and find the Holy Grail of KFC so that I may bring your father back. He was misidentified as Alan Thicke, which is number one on the needs to die list. NOW GO AND SAVE YOUR FATHER"

Suddenly there shined a shiny light which brought fourth The greatest band of all time, Tenacious D

"very *friendly* personvana, we've come to help" JB and KG both said

"Thank you!" said very *friendly* personvana "But. My father is locked in the tower of Blar which is surrounded by emo kids weilding staplers."

"Still, we must press on,"said KG and JB

"Not so fast!" said Takashi . "I have an important message for you all. But you all have to give me 5 bucks before i tell you what it is"

" None of us have 5 bucks," said JB and KG "So instead we will throw you into a pit of toothpaste with pits of chopped up sumo wrestler dumped in if you don't trl us your information right now."

"Very well," Takashi said. "The tower in Blar is quite a distance. You trek will not be an easy one. Many have fallen before you: Chester Cheetah, Glenn Greet, Chuck Norris. None were successful. You must seek out the great wizard in Bane, outside Suddville, if you are to overcome the emo kids. If you are to survive, you must always remember to stay true and to carry a lot of dog treats in your pants, for the animals love them."

"What about Michael Moore? Does he not love the meaty aroma of meat, processed and dried or otherwise?" queried Jack.

No, Michael Moore likes the freshly baked aroma of hikor smoked horse butt holes.

"Takashi, you are truely wise." very *friendly* personvana Thicke said. "We are in your debt. Now, we must head for Bane and persuade the Wizard to join us."

Tenacious D shouldered their guitars. "Consider us your minstrels, my lady."

They played an uplifting tune as they skipped into the distance, but from an overlooking cliff, their discussion was overheard, and the pursuit begun...

Then, Suddenly, Al Gore came riding in a electric battery powered coffe cup and bored the group to sleep with his lectures about Global Warming. "Finally!" said Gore "I can make very *friendly* personvana my baby's mama, bcoz i need to make more babies to bore at my lectures!!! MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Then very *friendly* personvana took out an empty bottle of mace and hurled it at the former Vice-President. When it struck his forehead, he simply stated 'Ouchy' and fell into his coffee cup.

"Good throw." JB said.

"My mom taught me. She used to throw things at my dad whenever he would tell stories about me as a child. I think I'll tell it now. When I was about knee high to a butter bean tall. Me and my grandpappy would skip stones by the river. Well one day I fell and scraped my knee on a rock. And you know what my grandpappy said? "Is the rock ok?" An-

All of a sudden, there was a crack of lightning, a peal of thunder, a whiff of brimstone, and from the empty can of mace came Jezzy da Snow Genie. He said. "I was captured from my master the "Wizard" from Bane for trafficing the white. The only way i could escape if i was thrown at someone stupid. Thanks you for saving me. HEYYYYYYYYYYYY CHYA!!! I will grant you three wishes HEEYYYYYYYYYYYY. But there is one catch CHYA!! You must sing me best song in the world, or i'll eat your souls"

they all looked at each other

ANd they each said



'OK'

As the greatest song EVER filled the air around the genie, very *friendly* personvania sat back, thinking "They're really good at this, as if they've done it before..."

As the genie was flabbergasted with the uncanny and righteous song that was played that day, the clouds opened, and light shined down on the road ahead.

"I am at your command...(especially if you have any white.)"

Before JB could ask his wish, very *friendly* personvana interupted. "It may be best to save them for when we're in peril."

"Sure..."

"We must find thee wizard before nightfall."

As they trekked on, an evil force still trailed behind...

"I will get them," said Knightrider" I will destroy them Michael "He said in that annoying voice of his "But How?"

"I've got it!" said Michael "We Use this bean burrito"

"But how will that help us Michael?" asked Knightrider.

Michael laughed and simply said "you fool can't you see....

"...that the only way to defeat Voltar of the Gamma System is to throw greasy, Mexican treats at his crotch!"

Jack then bought a churro for ten dollars at Disneyland and threw it at Voltar's groin, landing it directly into his urethra, causing him to immediately implode.

Just then, Bob Dole arose from a pool of bean dip, chanting, "Bob Dole! Bob Dole! Bob Dole!" Soon after, an entire army of Bob Doles emerged, as well. "Holy hot cakes!!!" yelled JB " What shall we do" Then out of thin air apeared Takashi. She said " i can tell you what to do. But first you all need to give me 10 bucks."

"What the heck are you talking about? I don't have any American money, all I have is change from..."from Wal-Mart, "

"I wish i had 10 bucks!" said very *friendly* personvana.

Then 10 bucks appeared out of nowhere

"Very Well,"said Takashi

"Atleast you don't have any d**n gift vouchers from the evil mega corporation Gamestop". Added very *friendly* personvana.

Then everyone chuckled ane laughed and ended in a lull.

Then all the Bob Doles started chanting, "KILL, KILL, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!"

" OH NO" cried, very *friendly* personvana. " You got your **bleep** ten bucks Takashi, now tell us what to do!!"

"OK", started Takashi. "This is what you must do"

"RUN!"

As the group sprinted for safety, Knight Rider arrived on the scene, hoping to get a shot at Voltar. Being too late, Michael chucks a burrito at the head Bob Dole, Dole himself, hoping that if he takes out their queen they'll all self destruct. the burrito only phases him. the Doles turn their attention to Knight Rider.

"Crap. Now what?"

"Go the other way, Michael."

Using this distraction, the group sneaks away, back onto the trail to Bane.

* * * *

Within hours, they had arrived at the supposed home of the Wizard whom they sought.

"Is this the right place?" asked KG

"I dont know I sure hope so " said very *friendly* personvana

BAM !!! BAM !!! BAM!!!! knocked JB

JB put his ear to the huge wooden rotten door.

He hears scruffling and rum bling.

then with a deep rumbling voice said...

ME!! RYANFROM THE SHIRE!!

except his voice is weak and sissy like and it was him trying to play emo folk music like a fairy. Then, his boyfriend said "SHUT UP RYAN". Then ryan started to cry like a sissy wuss and wrote a song about it.

Everyone hated the song. but he put it on Myspace anyway.

Then MC GANGSTA came and took a dump on his face. He screamed "DA EXPLOOOOOSSSSSIIIIIIOOOOONNNNSSS".

Then Ryan cried again and his boyfriend said "The Wizard no longer lives here. We evicted him. He smelled of cabbage and didn't like the emo music, either. He moved into the fortress atop the mountain - the one that looks like a snake."

"Thank you" very *friendly* personvana said uncomfortably.

"Good day, posers." JB said as he strutted out with KG in tow.

Ryan's boyfriend saw to him as MC GANGSTA continued to defecate.

* * * *

The hike up the mountain was a perilous one. KG almost died of dehydration. JB now walked with a slight limp. very *friendly* personvana had a yeast infection. But at the end of those 2 hours, they had made it to the summit of SnakeMountain... ...Where they found a snowcap stained with blood. Upon on closer inspection, the group also noticed...

that this snake-like mountain was the home to the worst beast in the area besides TROGDOR. This mountain was home to the dreaded Santa, of Claws. A great red ape, previously believed to not only be untameable...but extinct. The Beast-Man saw the group of travelers and jumped into action. JB and KG were about to fight to the death for very *friendly* personvana when a shril voice bellowed 'Enough, Beast Man! These are our guests!'

very *friendly* personvana turned her attention to the robed figure in the entranceway. It was an evil Wizard...Skeletor!

"Must you be in every tale of importance, sorcessor?!"

"Yes! The Merchandise Possibilites are endless! Now, to discuss the dilema of your father..."

"First" said Skeletor. "we must first go to the Maury show to take a paternity test, to make sure your his."

"Are saying my mom was a hoe?" yelled very *friendly* personvana

" Noo, but she did get around. I mean WHOA!!! She wore a skeleton out!!!" laughed Skeletor

"Oh yeah, well yo mama is dumb she gave yo uncle a BJ to help him with his unemployment!!!" said very *friendly* personvana

"Well yo mama...

"Children, enough!" yelled JB. "The mama jokes are beneath us. Skeletor has a point. Only Maury can solve this. You are wise, wizard. And you'd look great on our next album cover!"

"Merchandising, eh?"

* * * *

"Today on Maury: Skeletor...or, a Boy and his Sex Change."

Skeletor sat in the green room, unable to see or hear the laughing audience as the show topic flashed on the screen. When he finally came out to thunderous applause, mixed with gutbusting giggles from the assembled crowd, he realized...

he would have to prove very *friendly* personvana's heritage another way, because these people had to die. He raised his Havoc staff and called down upon the crowd..." YOU ALL MUST DIE OF THE DREADED BIRD FLU!" yelled Skeletor.

BUUCHAPPPAAAAAOW!

and the audience was no more, except for one....

Glenn Greet.

*very *friendly* personvana sighs and shakes her head* "I thought this story was about us, JB."

"It is, my lady. We do not need Skeletor. He's fulfilled his duty as comic relief. let us make haste!"

As very *friendly* personvana and Tenacious D scurried away, Skeletor and Greet locked stares.

"So, we meet again, eh Greet?"

"Emeril still lives, Keldor! Our differences cannot be settles until the baker no longer lives!"

"Agreed. For now, let us wreck havoc upon national airwaves! Beast Man, Mer-Man, bring me Maury. It is time to reveal to the world his secret tidings!"

"Master, won't we be infected with bird flu?"

"Do I look like I care?"

* * * *

very *friendly* personvana and Tenacious D had rejoined their quest to free the man very *friendly* personvana had been told was her true father. But as they cleared the forest they had been traveling, they encountered a disturbing procession of naked cabbage weilding dwarves.

"Well," said JB, "There's something you don't see every day...Let me stop one of them and ask them if they know how to get to Blar "

"Maybe we can ask them we could spend the night bcoz im so tired. " yawned very *friendly* personvana.

"Yeah, i'm hungry too" said KG

"AYE!! AYE YO NAKED DWARF!!" yelled JB

"We are lost, hungry, tired and **bleep**, can you tell us how to get to Blar?

"Oh yes oh yes " said one the naked cabbage wielding dwarfs.

"First you put your left foot in, take your left foot out", "Put your left foot in, and shake it all about", "Then you ritually sacrifice twelve-and-a-half virgins and sleep in a bed made of corn chips", "That's how you get to...whatever place you were talking about", said the dwarves in unison.

"Okay..." JB said picking up an axe. "Where do we find 12 virgins?"

KG pointed to a concert hall conviently in the middle of the clearing ahead. The marqee said: CREED Tonight Only!

"No!" Yelled very *friendly* personvana. "We will kill no one. People should be allowed to enjoy music of their choice."

"I agree completely," JB started "But that's not music! Those poor fools don't know what they're listening to them, virgins or not!"

"Let's go!" KG agreed.

But before they could slay their enemies Creed...... the group heard a fant noise from very *friendly* personvana's pocket "HEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY, CHYEAH!!!

Suddenly,The Genie and A Samurai-Ninja Crossbreed made from The Three Stooges came out of very *friendly* personvana's pocket and said "A Pocket is no place for a mighty warrior"

"Who are you, kind sir?" asked KG.

"I am Fother-san. This is my genie, Eugene Floater. I won him in a barfight with Sean Young. We have been observing your travels in secret, poised to intervene when it became necessary."

"So, you are here to ensure we stay on the path to Blar?" asked very *friendly* personvana.

"Yes, but Creed does need to be destroyed. Milady, you no longer need your minstrels, or anyone else for that matter. Only you can save your father. Eugene here will transport you to Blar. Tenacious D and I have a date at that concert hall!"

"Farewell, milady! We go to war!"

With that, they were gone. And Eugene wiggled his a$$, sending very *friendly* personvana to the tower in Blar, where she found her father chained to a huge lazyboy recliner watching reruns of Texas Walker Ranger.

He looked up and saw his beautiful daughter and... asked "Did you find the Holy Grail of KFC? Without it, I am forever doomed to this prison."

"No, but I do have a blowtorch."

"That should work!"

very *friendly* personvana just gazed on the man who was her real father. He was the spitting image of-

"Vannie, what are you looking at? I'm your father!"

"I know, it's just - so confusin, and-"

"Will you just cut me loose, PLEASE?!?!"

"Oh, right!"

As she began burning the chains, in through the window swooped a few members of the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "I wiggle my privates at your daddy!" shouted one.

very *friendly* personvana replied, "Privates? I thought they were two raisins and vieanna sausage"

Eric Idle looked down. "Oh yeah."

"We thought this a most opportune time to completely sidetrack the dramatic height and tension of this climax." added John Cleese.

"Not like it's been done, before." Michael Palin said under his breath.

"We'll stand guard while you and your dad bugger outta here!" Eric offered.

"Wait," John started "We'll stand guard or they'll stand guard?"

"They will." Michael answered.

"They can't guard themselves, can they?" Eric added.

"But they can't get out except the door we guarding, right?" John suggested.

"Right!" Michael agreed.

"So, we have to guard them from themselves - or do we stop them from leaving?" J

"I don't get it." M

"Well, what's the point of guarding them in an otherwise empty room all the way to the door three feet from them that is the only way out?" J

"Because what if they're attacked by winged critters? Did you think of that?" E

"In the ten seconds it takes to walk over to those stairs you think some winged critters'll fly in and devour them?" J

"I've seen it before!" E

"But the airspeed velocity inherient in such a swooping attack..."

very *friendly* personvana and her father snuck past the trio and went down the spiraling tower staircase.

"We're almost out of here, daddy. Just a little farther-" very *friendly* personvana stopped midsentence when she saw awaiting them in the fortress courtyard Was very *friendly* personvana's Mother.

"Mom, is that you?" whispered very *friendly* personvana

Her father was just starring.

"Mom...could it be...is it...you mommy?" The angelic beauty just stood there smile and looking. very *friendly* personvana ran to her mother to embrace her but it was not her mother, it was a trap.

The Genie then called upon his sidekick monkey Akon to help very *friendly* personvana out of the trap. With a couple of caps busted from akon' nine milli', very *friendly* personvana escaped unscathed...or so she thought.

very *friendly* personvana's mother reduced herself to a pool of silvery liquid and reformed into - Emeril, Iron Grandmaster Chef.

"What are you, the T-1000?!"

"I am everything! All inherit in time and space - The Alpha and the Omega! I will not be denied my destiny!"

Just then, when the monkey prepared to assault Emeril with its own fecal matter,Fother-Sun , Tenacious D, Skeletor, Beast Man, and Gleen Greet crashed through the fortress wall using the Kool Aid man as a battling ram. "No escape this time, Emeril." Greet said.

"I want my vacation and I won't be left alone until you die!" Skeletor declared.

"I've grown more powerful, sorcessor, and your puny powers cannot defeat me!"

"Not his," Fother-Sun began, "but hers can!" The Samurai-Ninja pointed to very *friendly* personvana.

"Me? But I'm just a regular girl."

"No, milady," JB said " You are the Kwizatch Haderach, the one who can be everywhere, see the past and the future! You can change the waters!"

"What waters?" KG asked.

"Kwikee whata?" Beast Man said, confused.

"Well, I have been getting these strange visions of giant worms..."

"My daughter is not a Kwanda Headcase! What are you all talking about?!?!"

"Who cares!?" Skeletor aimed his Havoc Staff at Emeril and blasted him into a pile of metal chunks, which quickly melted into hot liquid.

"Now, milady!" yelled JB.

"Only you can destroy him forever!" Fother-Sun yelled.

very *friendly* personvana took a moment and looked at the bonding puddle ont he floor and reminded her of another extremely long story. Then very *friendly* personvana came to her senses and screamed, "STOP THE MADNESS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"NOW LISTEN TO ME , AND LISTEN GOOD!!!!!" very *friendly* personvana yelled. "AHEM. FACE DOWN AZZ UP DATS THE WAY I LIKE TO FUK!!!!.

Then 2 Live crew started playing and everybody started booty quaking.

Fother-Sun, Tenacious D, Skeletor - all of them were stunned - and Emeril was missing.

"What happened? Where did the party come from?" Beast Man asked.

"Isn't it obvious? very *friendly* personvana wished it away! The crisis has been abated by sheer will!" Fother-Sun assumed.

"I don't see enough booty shaking!" very *friendly* personvana cried.

JB unleashed his moves and begun wooing his lady. KG and Beast Man drank beer. Eugene and Fother-Sun returned into very *friendly* personvanas...pocket. And Skeletor and Greet locked stares. "Now it is time for us to settle our differences!"

Both shook their fists three times and formed shapes with their hands. Greet's was another fist, and so was Skeletor's. "**bleep**!" They shouted in unison. Again they shook their fists three times and both formed scissors with their hands. A third time they did this but both held out their hands falt. Finally, Skeletor slapped Greet and disappeared in a burst of light and a veil of smoke.

"Weiner."

As everybody in not only the fortress, but all of Blar grooved to the tunes of 2 Live Crew, a pteredactyl swooped down and scooped up a pile of metal chunks in its mouth - while being chased by a mosquito that shouted "Hulkamania!"



FINALLY, THE END......?